2021 was perhaps the most challenging year of my life, but at the same time it was the year I became free, became me again. The symphony of emotions experienced would likely have caused most humans to make a choice other than the one I chose, but when the goal is to be happy oftentimes that means going through sadness, suffering and deep self discovery first. When you are in the dark tunnel and have started things in motion you have to experience every feel...there is no hiding if you want to come out into the light at the other end. That is the only way to wake up.

A year ago I decided to leave a marriage/relationship that spanned 3 decades, saw children born and grown into adults, careers blossom and change, and was filled with both happy and challenging times. Most women in my situation would not have left due to fear of change – a new life that involves self support and being alone, not knowing where to live, how to pick up pieces and start over after so many years of doing things with a partner, especially as a “middle-aged” woman (a term I really don’t like). These all played into my decision of course, and it was not made lightly or quickly.

I had been unhappy for many years. There was no physical abuse or drug use, no addictions. He was not perfect and neither am I – none of us are! There were many good times, but there was a big part of myself that became buried – I was not understood. There is no blame, no judgment. The past is over and we are only here now, in this moment. I knew I did not need to waste energy on what went wrong or how things “should/could/would have” been IF…

I needed to find me again because she was lost so long ago. She was wife, mother/primary caretaker of children, then hard worker bee (while still taking care of children, the house, finances, and managing the family in every way). Don’t get me wrong, I loved these roles and signed up for them, but my spirituality went dormant and my inner child into hiding.

The funny thing is that I didn’t realize for quite some time the state I was in. I was caught up in daily life. Then at some point years back I realized I needed to do something. My marriage was suffering and I was not truly happy. I thought of course I could fix it, because I am a fixer, a caretaker. But years went by and I literally ignored my feelings and developed pains in my physical body, not stopping to ask why they were there. Until 2018. That was the magic year I started to find my spirituality again.

A wise woman told me it was as if I was constantly picking up broken sticks and trying to put them back together. But there were too many broken sticks and I finally realized I was wasting my energy trying to do it myself. I knew I needed to work together with my husband to see if we could get our relationship on track and each be truly happy together, and I started thinking about how to go about it.

The following year I took the trip of a lifetime with my daughter to Southeast Asia, which was an epiphany. The first thing I felt were ALL the pains I had in my physical body disappear when I got there – literally. They were absent during the entire trip, only to return the day before I was to fly home. There had been many signs by that point but this was the jolt to my spirit and the sign I needed to make changes. I knew I had to fall in love with myself again and release my heart from its chains in order to be happy. I knew it would not be an easy road but I was finally ready, and so my journey started…