There are some people who seem to live their lives with this mantra in their heads – they may be called narcissists, go-getters, high achievers, successful, or a myriad of other names, and it depends on their agenda. But for most of us, although the idea of being self-centric seems delightful we don’t realistically live our lives that way. This is because we take care of others, have responsibilities, we’re taught to “do the right thing” and put others first, etc.

I have learned many lessons in my journey to happiness, and this is a big one. Here is the key about this “me first” lifestyle – it is the ONLY way to love yourself completely and find true happiness. Putting yourself first should not be detrimental to yourself or others. It does not mean you need to stop caring for your children or your spouse, forgo paying your mortgage, or take off for tropical ports leaving your responsibilities behind. It means finding a balance so you feel fulfilled. That is hard to do because for many of us it means altering routines, and change is tough and often feared. But it does not have to be that way. Awakening to your highest self means putting you first so you are better at giving to others. I promise it is possible.

** I am not a therapist so if you are in or considering therapy please by all means discuss this with a professional. Everyone’s pathway to self love and happiness will be different.

To contemplate how to accomplish this critical step to self love I like to start with a simple question: “where am I?” The answer is simple – I am HERE, right now. Our brains are mostly focused on the future (I have to pick up the kids, start dinner, do laundry, finish that presentation, book reservations), or the past (I should have shared my viewpoint on that conference call, why didn’t I wear the red suit today, the kids should have been given raincoats when I dropped them off…) The only way to become truly happy is to focus on the present. Your brain will naturally drift, so you will need to right it many times, and that is ok. Focusing on mistakes and regrets from the past is a waste of energy, because it cannot be altered; focusing on the future also wastes energy because it takes you away from the present. [** I am not advocating ceasing to think of the past and the future, but rather focusing on living in the present; it is a dance that needs to be perfected constantly.]

Putting me first and focusing on the present were perhaps the biggest challenges for me, but it was not until I did that I was able to move forward toward happiness. As the prospect of changing how one does things can be overwhelming, the best way to start is to stop before making decisions and ask if it is in your best interests. For example, I used to never say no – I had a hard time not helping, even when I was too busy to effectively do so. But NOW I know that the most important thing for me is to be happy and to use my energy toward that goal. I know the things that make me happy (it took some time to truly discover this), and so now I stop and take inventory before making decisions. I have no regrets because the things on which I do focus my energy should make me feel good, not taxed. Try this in your own life and let me know how it goes. I think you will be surprised.

I have always been a very private person, yet after my divorce I shared my situation and feelings very publicly on social media. The response was incredible – messages and calls received from other people, mostly women, who had gone through similar situations, all thanking me for my candor and for sharing. I made the decision to do so because there are SO many people going through hard situations, and oftentimes it makes us feel so lonely. That can lead to mental health issues, including depression. When we know others are going through difficult times and are surviving and focusing on thriving, it can be therapeutic and at the least, comforting.

One friend, a man, reached out and was quite surprised I shared my feelings. he told me he and his wife had also separated but that he never shared his situation publicly…he wondered why I did so. I told him I did it for ME, because sharing my truth helped me to heal; the double bonus was that my words might help others to feel less lonely, and that was also a very good feeling when it materialized.

So, I started my journey to enlightenment with small steps, focusing on what is best for me, what makes me happy, and ignoring that little voice that says I shouldn’t share private feelings and experiences (especially on social media!). My voice gives me purpose, makes me stronger, AND helps others…all because I put me first.

Sat nam.