If I had to choose one lesson I’ve learned over the last few years in my journey to loving myself and finding happiness, letting go would be at the top of my list. Many people understand the concept and even like the idea of letting go of things, ideas or people that do not serve them, but in actuality they never do it. Some reasons people don’t follow through are fear of rejecting others, not being understood, changing a lifestyle, giving up a pattern, disappointing people, and not knowing how to let go, but to truly find happiness it is a necessary step.

What it Means to Let Go
The concept of letting go does not just mean “dropping” people from your life; letting go means delving deep into what makes you unable to be your highest self, and deciding whether your connection with something or someone is prohibiting you from achieving it. (** Notice I didn’t say that another person is causing you to not achieve – the only one who can make or cause you to succeed or fail is YOU – but more on that in another blog). It can refer to behaviors, perceptions, judgments or relationships.

I went through a dark tunnel before and during the time of my uncoupling. I had to let go of a LOT – beliefs, fear of change, fear of loneliness and the unknown, and particular patterns and behaviors that did not serve me. Figuring out how to do this and what one needs to let go of can be tricky and takes a lot of work. A good place to start, which I have recommended to many people, is the book Letting Go by David Hawkins.

Letting Go Of People
I have had to say goodbye to a few people who brought me down and infused negative energy into my life. As an empath it is hard for me to have a relationship with someone, no matter how much I love them, who is negative or who lives in a state of victim consciousness (more about this in another blog). No matter what great advice I give or how much I cheer them on to rise above it, it never materializes. I cannot waste my energy trying to help someone if they do not want to change – it’s like trying to convince an addict to quit an addiction. They have to want to help themselves first before any changes can take place.

Letting Go of Behaviors and Beliefs
Similarly, I have let go of patterns of behavior and beliefs. For example, for many years I thought I could fix the problems in my marriage by myself. Instead of focusing on how I was feeling by not being loved the way I needed to be loved (by both my partner and MYSELF), and continuing with things the way they were, I could no longer grow and become my best self. I am not sure whether I saw this or refused to see it, but likely the latter. After all, I had a good life – a beautiful family, nice home, good job…part of me thought maybe it was just me (a sentiment that was suggested multiple times by my partner). At one point it got so bad that I realized I was being manipulated to feel I was failing at the relationship (I am not blaming – this could have been done unintentionally). That is when a light bulb went off and I realized I needed to focus on how I felt and what I wanted, to see if the partnership could be salvaged so that I (and he of course) was truly happy, appreciated and respected.

Without happiness, appreciation and respect there is no relationship.

When I made the decision to leave my marriage it was not done quickly or lightly. We spent a year going to therapy and trying to make changes that would allow us to be happy as a couple. It was a lot of work – couples therapy, individual therapy, lifestyle changes and a TON of inner work on my part (I had already been doing this for a few years prior to our year of trying to make it work, and continued with it).

I let go of concepts and ideas that were ingrained in me by society and religion, like how it was “wrong” to leave a marriage. I even had a neighbor tell me that the Lord would shun me and bring illness upon me for doing so (I let go of her advice and her – my intuition tells me god wants me to be the best person I can be, and to be happy so I can spread my love and be of service to others).

In the end I knew I had to trust my heart. All the therapy and trying to fix things did not change how I felt, nor did it change the fact that my partner did not provide what I needed (to be fair I likely was not providing what he needed, because I did not truly love myself). He did try to make changes, and to his credit he did make some positive headway, but I felt in my heart that much of what was there for a long time that made me unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship was still present. I knew what I had to do to be happy, but actually doing it was very hard work.

** It is important to say that I am not advocating divorce – that is a very personal decision and no two situations will be identical. Letting go can involve ideas and concepts and behaviors that will allow you to stay with your partner and be very happy together.

Letting go is a difficult thing to do. It should not be done without much inner work and self-study. Energy healers are wonderful people who can also help you clear your negative energy and focus on you, your feelings and your needs – I have and continue to do lots of energy work, and also have a wonderful person who helps me clear a lot of stuck energy when needed, so that I am clear headed and able to focus on what I need to be happy. Traditional therapists can also help if that serves you. Trusting your instincts is the ONLY way to be happy; listen to yourself and realize when people/behaviors are not serving you, and learn to let go.