“Finding patterns is the essence of wisdom” – Dennis Prager

One of the hardest things for any human being to do is to really dive deep inside oneself and look at patterns of behavior that cause us to be unhappy, stuck, unfulfilled, or to experience a myriad of negative feelings. This is especially true in relationships.

In my personal growth work I have focused on loving myself and breaking down barriers within myself to put me first, to give myself permission to let go of notions that I had to take care of everyone and then find time for me. But coming out of a 30 year partnership I didn’t think about my patterns.

I was listening to a relationship expert discuss people who attract the “wrong” people time and again, oftentimes emotionally unavailable people. [**It is important to note here that I do not think people are “wrong,” in that each person comes into our field to teach us lessons about ourselves, even though they may not be a person with whom we can/should become intimate]. She talked about doing the deep work to love yourself first, which I have done and continue to do, and examining the patterns that put people in these situations. I thought none of what she was saying applied to me because I have done so much work on myself, but then I thought some more and realized that I needed to look at my own patterns, because one day I would like to find a partner with whom to share my life, and there are certain things I know I will need from him; I expect he will need things from me as well, and I want to be ready to reciprocate. Lesson learned: we can ALWAYS grow!

In thinking of my patterns when it comes to relationships, I realized that I had been the same way in my long marriage as I was with the other relationships I had prior to that. In every instance I was with a person who could not give me something important that I needed, but I stayed the course and took care of them and gave my heart to them. In one relationship I loved someone so deeply, and in a way he must have loved me, but he was emotionally unavailable, unable to commit; still I savored any time I could get with him. I never spoke up and expressed what I needed, until the very end when he was moving away. I was afraid of losing what we had, but the reality is we had nothing, as he was not emotionally available. By staying in that “relationship” I lowered my self-worth by allowing that to be ok, when I deserve so much more (we all do).

In my marriage I needed to be heard and appreciated and listened to, not told what was wrong with my thought processes, or how I could do things “better.” For a long time in the final years I ignored my own needs and let resentment build up. When I finally expressed myself it all came out; my husband wanted to make the relationship work and wanted to “change,” so we tried for a year to rekindle things and make positive changes. But during that time I realized he was not capable of giving me what I needed because of the things he needed to deal with first. In turn I was not capable of giving him what he needed because I had worked hard to understand what I needed to be happy, and being in that relationship no longer served me.

All of these relationships, plus other minor ones with emotionally unavailable men, make me realize now that I do have a pattern with putting others first, ignoring my own needs, and being with partners who do not understand me nor listen to and respect me. I was also overly independent in relationships and took charge – of everything. Looking back that means the men I attracted were men who liked me being the main driver (taking care of the house, children, bills, repairs, planning investments and vacations, etc.). The new version of me wants and needs a vastly different relationship dynamic and now that I know that I know I will find it.

Coming out of victim consciousness (see my previous post on this topic for more on this) is the first step to deciphering patterns that keep us going in circles, the first step in healing ourselves so we can find the right partner. It is so easy to blame others, blame the world, circumstances, your job, the pandemic…the list is endless. But in the big picture blame is just a waste of energy and keeps you running in circles. It also can lead to anxiety or depression, or just plain nastiness.

Once we stop blaming and stop focusing on the past as a learning experience, we can truly focus on the future and the new version of ourselves – the version we can manifest once we understand who we are and what we need. When we are grounded and know what we want and what makes us happy, when we can let go of past ideas, people and patterns that stand in the way of what we want for ourselves, and when we embrace being by ourselves because we truly love ourselves, it is easy to manifest what the future holds.