Divorce is never easy, even in situations where the parties are not battling and remain civil, because the union is suffused with history, feelings, connections with others, and oftentimes a family. Even when a person knows it is the right thing to do in order to be happy there can be moments of self-doubt or missing the relationship, even long after the split.

The first time I had such a “hiccup” was when I had to have a minor surgery. It was a strange feeling to be alone, to come home after the outpatient surgery, not feeling so great, and have to take care of myself. It made me miss having a partner to take care of me. So I had a moment of self-doubt in my decision.

I felt in that moment that I missed having someone to help me and be with me through difficult times (as well as good times, or when I had a hard day or was dealing with everyday challenges). During those times it was so nice to know that my partner could bring home dinner or take care of the kids if I went to bed early or took a relaxing bath.

In the rare times that any such feelings of doubt arise I let them in and allow myself to experience them. It is so important to do this and not to ignore them, because acknowledging the feelings is part of the personal growth work and part of healing. I ask myself how I am feeling and what triggered my feelings so that I can recognize it. Then I ground myself by reminding myself why I made the choices I made, how important my happiness is to me, and how blessed I am to be where I am now. It is ok to feel what we feel – let it in, recognize it, and then let it go.

Being in a relationship is a beautiful experience, and it is ok to mourn the loss long after it is over. Our feelings of loss are also a reminder of our dedication to loving ourselves. Of course every divorce story is different, but even in situations where it is contentious and nasty I imagine there were some happy memories from the marriage, and those will always be there no matter how unhappily it ended.

Recently my son was going through some difficult times, and I was hesitant to call my ex-husband but did make the connection. We agreed to work as a team to help our son and discussed a plan to do so, and that felt really good. It was actually the first talk we had where we were both completely on the same page and I did not feel antagonized; it was not about us or our divorce, but instead was about our mutual love for our child. I feel it strengthened our bond as parents, and also likely helped both our hearts heal a bit as well.

I love the idea of “uncoupling” instead of “divorcing.” Although they both refer to the act of partners splitting up, the concept of “uncoupling” connotes kinder, softer and selfless means of achieving the same end result. One does not think of anger, negativity and arguing when feeling into this concept, as uncoupling requires both parties to be consciously aware of themselves and their partner (and children when they are involved). “Divorce” on the other hand harbors so much negativity and can be fueled by selfishness, resentment, and even the need for revenge.

The way we each approach a divorce says a lot about ourselves and our self love. Forgiving oneself and the ex-partner is the only way toward finding true happiness. Realizing and appreciating the beauty and lessons that came from the relationship – whether it lasted months, years or decades – will make you a stronger person. So don’t be so hard on yourself and let the “hiccups” come when they do, as it will bring you closer to love and happiness.