In both my own healing journey and when coaching others to heal from divorce, one of the biggest lessons I learned and teach is avoiding the wrath of negativity. Most of us want to do this, but unfortunately in this modern world it can sneak in there when we often fail to catch it, and that can set us back a few steps. No wonder it is often more challenging to heal than we expect!

But do not worry. I am going to share a few things to look out for that will keep you focused on positivity so that you CAN heal and create a beautiful new life for yourself.

1. Social Media. This is the worst culprit, and the one that can trick us into thinking we are helping our hearts to heal, when instead we can end up spiraling down a drain of victim consciousness. I can’t tell you how many people ask me why they are feeling sluggish and having a hard time staying positive, only to discover they are spending too much time on social media.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay off social media. If you can’t get yourself to do this you can create a private account and only follow positive people and those who support you. This does not have to be forever, only temporary until you start feeling happier and healed. I know it sounds scary, but give it a try. You will probably be surprised by how amazing you feel not missing it!

2. Groups/People. (Kind of a subcategory of social media, but can also apply to those that actually meet up). I cannot tell you how many times I see negativity in divorce support groups online. Please, please do not join one unless you have truly vetted the mission and know that there is no negative chatter allowed, no spouse bashing, no diatribes on how someone’s former spouse cheated/lied/hurt them, or how their narcissistic/imbalanced/ psychological tendencies led to a negative feeling or demise of the marriage: blah, blah, blah! All of the blame is enough to make anyone feel down just reading through the posts. Many people in these groups are victims and thrive off of support from other victims. Stay away!

Here is an example: one such group posted something recently asking what a man is called who jumps from woman to woman…you can imagine the plethora of negative responses. The anger and negativity in the comments revealed to me that the majority of responders are not healed! My response word was “unhealed.” I also then pointed out that people are so quick to judge and blame, and that doing so actually stymies healing (that comment was deleted – the creator of the page was on a roll from the negative responses). Don’t buy into this negativity – the former spouse is NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS OR UNHAPPINESS…that is only up to you, so wasting energy on him/her is futile.

Similarly, make sure you are hanging around the right people. You may think someone supports you but they truly might not. For more information, check out my podcast on Support Networks.

3. Mainstream news. Are you seeing a pattern here? Can you guess what sells news stories? Fear, doom, and gloom! People crave that junk. I check headlines on an app every morning, and I have anything breaking sent to me so I am aware of what’s going on in the world (because I think that’s important), but I do NOT watch the news. Again, try this for a few weeks while you are working on you and see how you feel – let me know!

4. Other TV/Apps. Same story here. When you are healing you need to be gentle to yourself – think warm baths, journaling, trying fun things and hanging out with those who truly support you (see my blog and podcast on support networks for the caveats in this arena). If you must watch something try app-based watching instead of main stream media (due to commercials that can be fear based and negative) – watch a funny movie or show on Netflix/Hulu/Starz or other app. In fact, funny entertainment is a must, as it has been proven that laughter helps in healing.

5. Music. When I was healing I turned off any music that was not good for my soul. If you notice, and you will if you are in a victim state or hurting, so many songs are about loss and heartache. While listening to these may (falsely) make you feel less “alone,” they are actually doing damage to your healing by infusing negativity into your psyche. There is a lot of amazing inspirational music out there, and there is always great music to be found in most genres with no words (guitar, jazz, inspirational, etc.). Music is a big part of my life, but I cut a lot out while healing and I still listen to my “new” music most of the time. I promise you can do this. Try it for a few weeks and notice how you feel.

These are some good suggestions to help you in the healing process. Keep in mind that anything you try is temporary – or not, if you choose to stick with a particular practice – you can do what you want as you are the chauffeur of your own journey. Make sure to pay attention to what you need: body, mind and spirit, and trust that you are being guided to do what is right for you. Healing can only work if you are happy and grateful. If you need guidance you can get my book here, or learn about coaching options here. Happy healing! 🦋