Dating after divorce can be a challenge. I was thinking the other day about a man I met when I first started dating. I knew the type of men I wanted to date, and because I had done so much work I would not compromise the desires, beliefs or expectations I held for myself. Equally important, I was enjoying the process and was not out to “find a husband” (which is the wrong mindset to have when dating). But of course I was tested when I met a particular man. I am proud of how I ended up handling it, and of the fact that I did not fall victim to attraction, because “we” could never have worked.

I was dating a few wonderful high quality men – each very different but they all had one thing in common: they, like me, had been through divorce and had done varying levels of work on themselves. They each had an idea of who they were as men, and most knew what they wanted in a partner. It was truly a special time for me because I had done so much work on me that I was attracting these men – without using any dating sites (I promised myself I never would go down that path).

Along came a beautiful specimen of a man – smart, clever, highly educated, successful and creative – never had been married (a possible red flag), but had long-term relationships. The part that could have thrown most women for a loop was the attraction we had – on a scale of 1-10 the scale would have broken. If you’re waiting for a “but…” here it comes! He was in a “declining relationship,” and told me it was over and that his partner was moving out shortly. HUGE. RED. FLAG.

So we met casually a few times for food/drinks and got to know each other a bit – I truly enjoyed our conversations and his intellect. We shared a lot in common and laughed a lot. I had no expectations at all and kept trying to clarify the girlfriend situation. I was also trying to discover how in tune he was with himself.

There came a point when I realized that he was never going to leave his partner. More importantly, the fact that he was unhappy but could not end it, despite what was coming out of his mouth, was the nail in the coffin. To stick around would have been to compromise all my healing, all the self-discovery and the place to which I had come: the love for myself and my self-worth. Furthermore, I would never get in the way of a relationship. I realized that he had a lot of work to do. So I walked away with my whole self intact.

We did have a nice conversation a few months later, in which I explained a few things from my perspective. I told him I felt we had met for a reason, and that maybe the reason was for me to offer my help so he could find himself and truly be happy (whatever that entailed). We never spoke again but I think about him occasionally and wish him well. I know he reaffirmed an important lesson: always be true to yourself, no matter what someone says, does, or promises. I am proud that I put myself first.

So many people are scared to be alone, and jump at opportunities to be with someone even though they know (or have a slight inclination) that person is not the right person for them. Part of doing the work is learning how to put yourself first. Attraction fades, but a true partner who worships, respects and loves you for who you are, and who has done the work on himself/herself, knows what is important to him/her and is capable of being in a mature adult relationship – that is the partner you deserve. We don’t go through the healing process, emerge as a butterfly and then get stepped on right after take off.

Trust yourself and ask yourself if the person you met can truly be someone who will compliment you, not require you to change to fit a mold, and who will be patient so you can get to know each other to see if she/he compliments you and your goals – not whether that person can be a spouse one day, but whether he or she is worthy of dating you.

I tell all my clients to make a list of qualities in a partner that are important, including deal-breakers; a person does not have to meet all your criteria in order to date that person, but it is good to know what you need and want. All relationships involve compromise, but if you go into it fully aware of your desires, beliefs and expectations, that is an amazing start. Most importantly, listen to your gut and any red flags you see/feel. That is the best resource and you should trust it.

Patience and trust in oneself will ultimately, when the timing is right, lead to the right partner. Enjoy the dating experience as you get to know different people – and have fun! Although you may have to dodge some bullets in your dating life, dating the right people is beyond worthwhile, because it will eventually (when you are ready) lead to a connection with a partner who can give you his/her heart. 🦋