The divorce healing journey is a great endeavor, and it is not easy. There will be many times in the process that you feel down, hurt, angry, frustrated or even incapacitated. You will spiral down into a victim state – likely many times – before you start feeling noticeably better, however small that feeling may seem. BUT did you know that the biggest superpower you have is actually the one you are most afraid of?

FEAR is by far the most difficult emotion and state of mind to conquer, yet it is also our most significant superpower. A friend with ADHD once told me that the disease was HIS superpower. It presented him with so many challenges in his life, yet today he is one of the most respected and successful businessmen in his field. He took the fear associated with that diagnosis and turned it around to become his fuel…and you can do that too if you are starting the healing journey from divorce.

Here is the most important thing to remember when learning how to conquer fear so you can move forward: you NEED to feel fear so it can push you – it is your test. If you are truly ready to make your life blissful this is a major lesson. Let’s look at how to start this process of moving past the fear.

1. Acknowledge the Fear. The first step in kicking fear in the butt is to recognize that you are afraid. Say it out loud, embrace it – it is not something to feel badly or shameful about. Every person who has accomplished something great, something bigger than them, has had at least some fear or challenge that seemed unsurmountable. Check out the stories of some of the greatest business minds and you will see this is the truth.

2. Embrace the Fear. You are human, and filled with emotion. Realize that the fear is actually your friend. Not only that, but it is sign for you to acknowledge so you can heal. Embracing it means that we are not simply going to ignore it or let it go right away – the fear may always be there, or can be replaced with another type of fear down the road. This is OK! Accept it and send love to the fear (ok that may sound cheesy, but I am serious – that fear is part of who you are).

3. Write it Out. Jot down (preferably in a journal) why your fear has a grip on you and what exactly you are afraid of. Often with divorce many people are afraid of being alone, parenting without a live-in partner, being financially responsible for yourself without help, and starting a completely new life without a partner. Write down all of your fears surrounding divorce and healing. Include how the fear manifests – does it make you sick? Anti-social? Unable to get out of bed? These are all normal affects of fear and you can control them.

4. Change Self Talk. The things we tell ourselves, whether out loud or in our heads, are what we will experience – I promise this is true. Tell yourself you “can’t,” and your brain thinks that is how you want it, so you won’t. Tell yourself you CAN on the other hand, and your brain wants to give you that. This is not made-up, and there are scientific studies that show that how we perceive ourselves and our capabilities will bring more of the same. Start with using affirmations to tell yourself what you want and how capable you ARE. Catch yourself when you think or say the opposite, take a breath, and change the thought…it won’t happen overnight but keep it up and you will see a difference.

5. Take Action. If you envision a happy new life post-divorce, start taking baby steps to make it happen, one at a time. If you want to seek a new job, start creating an amazing resume, take a class or get a degree or certificate, volunteer in the field somehow so you can learn more. Along with your actions keep up the beliefs and affirmations until you see a result.

6. Celebrate the Results. When you see something shifting within as a result of your work conquering your fears, CELEBRATE it, however small! Be proud that you actually made a difference – no matter how far you feel you need to go the focus should be on the NOW, the difference you have made. Keep at it and find even more ways to push forward until you accomplish your goal.

7. Patience is Your Best Friend. Healing is not a slow process, and since fear is often a big part of healing, you need to accept that it will take time…but time is your friend in this journey. Many people want to heal fast, but that would bypass all the learning lessons and self-discovery. You need to enjoy the process because that is how you will be able to look back one day on where you started and feel immense gratitude.

8. Express Gratitude for your Fear. Remember that fear is there to help you, and once you realize this you will be able to conquer it. Always be grateful for the fear, because there are two choices in the face of fear: fight or flight. Those who choose to fight will succeed as long as they don’t give up.

Divorce can create so much fear within us, but conquering the fear is a superpower – a choice you have to become the best version or yourself in order to lead a beautiful life – so take control of fear and you will be empowered. Happy healing! 🦋