When I divorced years ago I was already deeply enmeshed in my healing journey. I had started working on me slightly over a year before the actual separation, because I had been unhappy for years and had been ignoring it. I had some pretty big signs from the universe that it was time I stop beating around the bush and figure out why my life was not fulfilling and what I needed and wanted to make it so.

My former spouse and I spent a full year trying to work out our issues. We went to individual and couples counseling, and of course I continued with my own healing work. Anyway, the therapy did nothing for me personally, other than confirm my own conclusions. I was getting into MUCH deeper work than what the therapist provided, but still I made an effort because we had each promised to do so.

At some point months after the separation my former spouse started sending texts asking me to get back together, which started out nice, but with a slightly manipulative tone. Then the messages started to get angry and blaming. He was in a victim state. I wanted so badly to help him learn how to get out of there so he could be happy (I truly want that for him), but of course I cannot teach him that – read on.

Many people with whom I speak have similar issues, and some even get pulled down into that blame – and feel awful. First we need to understand that when someone in a victim state is putting the onus for their unhappiness on someone else, it clearly means the victim has not healed. Someone who is unhappy and does not know how, nor want to heal (or both) actually feels better, temporarily, if she or he can put the blame on another. Blaming means we do not take responsibility, and is a coping mechanism.

Here is one of the golden rules when it comes to being human: NO ONE is in control of how your life turns out BUT YOU. No one can “make” you happy or otherwise. It is the job of each individual to create his or her own happiness. Until this is realized, victims will remain victims and stay unhappy.

If you are a person who continues to blame someone else for the state of your unhappiness, you need to wake up and learn how to help yourself heal. Until you do this you will remain stuck in a well of negativity. I know this is true because I help people climb out of that well, and I see the results. Doing the work changed my own life – I met the true me, learned what I needed and wanted in my new life that I was creating, found an incredible amount of joy in EVERY SINGLE DAY (and continue to do so), and accomplished all the goals I had set for myself while I was going through my healing journey.

The moral of this post is to get out of your own way and start doing the work. If you are doing it and someone is trying to bring you down, you need to learn the tools to set boundaries, lay down the law (for yourself and the person trying to break you), let go and stop looking back – for starters. Doing these things requires a lot of inner work, and some of it is very hard and scary. Many people need help with formulating a healing plan, and that is more than ok.

Know this: when you get through that dark tunnel, when you come into the light and feel it shining on you, I promise that the journey will have been worth it. 🦋