When people go through divorce there tends to be a LOT of negativity and fear, and there are 3 typical reactions to these feelings: one is to fall apart completely and slip into a negative state for a while – or indefinitely fall into a victim state. If there is no release for your feelings it can be difficult or even impossible to begin or continue a healing journey.

The second reaction is to hold it all inside and keep the emotions bottled up. Sure, you might talk to a friend about your feelings, but the floodgates never truly open. Men are notorious for falling into this category, as previous generations of men have been taught to hold it all in and not show emotion (although that is changing and there are a lot of men who are perfectly able to express emotions). In fact, I see so many men go right from the family home when they first split, into a mad dating spree so fast there is barely time to blink. If you are a regular reader, have read my book, watch/listen to my podcast or have seen me on TV or elsewhere, you KNOW how I feel about this behavior. One MUST heal before dating, hands down.

The third way people react to the whirlwind of emotions that engulf us when we get divorced is the best way, although many people do not let themselves go there: it is to treat ourselves with gentle, loving care and let it all out through our tears and other forms of expression. Crying releases feelings of grief over the loss of a marriage, and can enable us to let go and to forgive. It usually brings a lot of clarity.

If you are like me, I did a lot of crying in the beginning, after the initial split when my former spouse moved out and I had to pack up the house and get it ready for sale. I chose to see my tears as an opening of the gates in which I was releasing all the gunk that had built up inside, the hurt and fear. My heart had hardened after so much time feeling unseen and unappreciated, nor getting what I needed to thrive. Much of that was my own fault for not diving deep into my unhappiness sooner, but no matter – I finally let it all out. I imagined that the tears washed it all away and left me with a clean slate – tabula resa – and I was free to do what I wanted with my life. “Purge and cleanse” was my mantra.

There is scientific evidence that crying releases endorphins, our “feel-good” hormones. This usually manifests in feeling calm after crying. Tears also can remove stress hormones and toxins from our blood, release tension within the body, help with digestion, induce the body to rest, and keep us emotionally balanced. So despite puffy eyes and a runny nose, there are many benefits to a good cry.

On the flip side, another thing to consider is that holding in emotions can create stress, which can lead to anxiety, depression, elevated blood pressure and heart rate, headaches, stomachaches and digestive problems, lethargy, exhaustion, lack of energy, and many other negative feelings that can wreak havoc on us physically and mentally.

The moral of this post is that it is beneficial to let out the emotions you experience as you go through divorce, or any trauma or time of difficulty. Remember to journal about your feelings before and after you have a cry, and notice what feels different, if anything. 🦋