Parenting after divorce can be challenging for many, because suddenly the parents are not one unit, but instead 2 separate individuals trying to act for the benefit of the children (granted, they do have to still act as a unit, but I digress). But what about grey divorces, where the children are adults – how do parenting skills come into play in such situations, and what if one parent doesn’t keep the adult children’s best interests at heart?

Most people think that if kids are grown up and have become their own adults, there should not be a parenting issue when it comes to divorce. To the contrary, those who have been there know that there is still a fear that the divorce will hurt the children, or sour them when it comes to love relationships. So in essence many grey divorce parents feel they still need to do right by their children to make them feel loved and part of a family unit after a divorce. The difference is that in this older phase of life where one is not tied to custody agreements, sometimes parents can interject a lot of their own angst onto their children.

Personally, both my kids told me they were “fine” with the divorce (my son had told me to get divorced for years), but I still believe that when the actual split occurred it must have been hard for them. I remember a post my daughter made a few years before the divorce, where she was hanging from a tree in front of the family home. She mentioned that she had lived in the house all her life and her family was still together. I thought of that post when my marriage ended, and it made me feel sad for her.

My kids will be the first to tell you that I don’t like the word “fine” as an answer to any question, unless one is describing a work of art, ripely aged wine or cheese, or a porcelain object. It often means the opposite of being “not bad.” I have always discouraged it as an answer to “how are you?” Though I have always felt that the divorce must have hurt them in some way, I know they were old enough to understand that the marriage wasn’t working any more, that we had grown so far apart and despite valid attempts to right it, it could not be so. Still, every now and again I feel sad that their parents divorced (please understand that I do not feel sad that I divorced, only that they became another statistic). Luckily they are both thriving.

What I make a very conscious effort to not do is speak poorly of their father or blame him for the demise of the marriage (of course a marital demise is the result of both parties, no matter the circumstances – barring abuse). My hope always has been that he and I can join together to celebrate our children’s milestones, like marriages, accomplishments, and babies. As parents we should also be able to talk about the children when one of them is going through difficulties and needs our help making a plan to forge ahead. We agreed to that when we split up. To me that is what parents do, whether they are married or divorced – they support their children no matter what. They put their egos aside and stand by their kids even if seeing the other spouse may be painful. They act strong in the face of challenges to set an example, because we are always the teachers of our children, no matter their age.

For those who have been through grey divorce and have adult children, please take some time to think about how you can best support them after the marriage ends. Be respectful to your former spouse, don’t pull a child into the middle of your negative feelings, and be respectful of your children – the other parent is also their parent! They can love both parents, but if you act like a jerk they may one day decide you are not worth being around…and THAT will hurt a lot.

I know that I always want my children in my life, and I always want them to know how much I love them – these are my CHOICES. I live by this desire and know that my children will be stronger because of it – because it is not about me, it is about them…and that’s what a parent does. 🦋