Blame is a monster – it not only stirs negative emotions and thoughts within our own minds and bodies and keeps us from taking responsibility for our actions, but also prevents healing. Divorce is hard enough, and most of us want to heal from it…but if you are skirting responsibility by utilizing the blame crutch, I assure you that healing is NOT going to happen – at least not fully. Surprisingly, many people do not realize this although it is so important to learn and practice.

Divorce is one of those actions that leads to a LOT of blame – I hear it every day, even passing strangers on walks and in stores…people blaming the former spouse for all kinds of things – from being a narcissist to being cruel, to not helping with the children or not acting like an adult. It is just what it is. Divorce is a negative action in society, and thus people tend to feel a lot of negativity surrounding it, which causes anger, frustration, sadness, shame, and a big dollop of fear (to name a few).

We can learn how to overcome these feelings by turning inward. I know this sounds like hippie talk to some, but let me explain in a way that makes sense.

I recently heard something that literally made the light bulb in my head come on as brightly as possible – and I wanted to share it because it is an excellent way to encapsulate what happens to you when you blame others. It goes like this: *** when you blame others for what is happening in YOUR life, when you believe they are the cause of your _________ (insert word(s) here), you transfer the responsibility for your happiness to that other person, and you continue to get more upset/hurt/angry/frustrated, etc. ***

Now, in a way you might feel better temporarily once you put the blame on that former spouse, as it takes the responsibility off of yourself, BUT it will catch up with you because…

Making someone else the culprit for your life not going the way you want it to go means they must change in order for you to feel better!

READ THAT SENTENCE AGAIN. Do you see the flawed logic? You may NEVER heal or be happy at this rate! This explanation makes it so simple to see that you are the ONLY one in control of your own happiness, of the direction your life takes, of whether you heal or not. Giving that power away to another keeps you stuck in quicksand, and after going through divorce I KNOW that is not where you want to be.

So it is time to take the training wheels off and be a grown up, time to grab the responsibility reins and change your own life. The former spouse is no longer important in terms of your life direction. If you still deal with him/her because of child custody issues, then you will need to see that as a business relationship and stick to a very strict regimen – but that is the subject of another blog (check out this podcast).

As you start to accept this truth you will start to take action in the directions you want to see your life evolve. If you are having a difficult time learning how to get started or what to do next in your healing journey, check out my coaching programs. I would love to help you find the bliss that I live every day. 🦋