Your relationship with your former spouse after divorce says a lot about both you and him/her – how much you each have healed and love yourselves, how much you each value the familial bonds (when there are children involved), and whether you have learned some of the most important lessons in life.

You may personally be crushing your own healing journey, facing a former spouse who clearly has NOT healed, and who may not even want to talk to you or see you even years after divorce. But if your former spouse’s lack of healing affects your children, you need to learn to be even stronger and move forward without the other spouse’s help when they are not willing to give it.

When a former spouse refuses to work together with you to help a child the refusal is a nothing short of narcissistic, as they are focusing on only their self and not putting the child first, which often has a detrimental affect on the child – even when the child is an adult.

Narcissism is not a topic I normally put energy into as a healer because it gives us permission to blame, and I see many divorcées use it as an excuse to not do the healing work. When this happens people tend to hold a lot of negative feelings inside toward the former spouse and this, combined with the act of blaming, takes the focus off our own healing journey and prevents progression. BUT when a child needs help or guidance the narcissism should be put on the back burner to focus on the child.

When the children are young and there is a divorce, there is usually a parenting plan put in place by lawyers – whether you use a litigator or mediator. The plans define the responsibilities of the parents and can be enforced when one parent is not fulfilling obligations. But what about when the children are older? They still need both parents to cooperate when help is needed.

What to do when a former spouse will not speak with you regarding the children:

1. Contact your attorney and ask about enforcing the co-parenting plan, if one is in place. If there is no plan or the children are older, move on to #2.

2. Set expectations in writing and suggest ways to help the child – Send an email to your former spouse, cc’ing yourself, about why you want to collaborate to help the child, and invite them to do so. I find it is best to give a choice rather than leave it open ended – for example, “can you meet Monday or Wednesday at 5 via Zoom, or would you prefer a 3 way call?”

3. If the former spouse is unwilling to help the child together, or wants to turn the situation around to blame YOU for their circumstances/ unhappiness/etc., send a written response that you will be helping the child as their parent, and give one more chance to join by stating the chosen time and place for the discussion. You may choose to mention that you will always both be parents, and that the child will benefit from your collaboration.

4. If no help is forthcoming from the former spouse by this point, move forward to help the child on your own. You can engage the assistance of another person who may be important in the child’s life, like a grandparent or aunt/uncle.

The failure to help adult children by standing together as a parental unit for that purpose can alter the relationship between the non-cooperative parent and the child. This is sad beyond comprehension, and can have effects on the child for years to come.

If you are a parent who has been through divorce, put your adult children’s needs above your own and bypass any blame for the former spouse in order to focus on the child and his/her needs. It is a significant time to teach them the importance of parenting, family, love, a strong support network, and self-confidence.