There are 2 types of forgiveness when it comes to healing, especially after a trauma like divorce, and although one is often overlooked it is imperative to understand and master both in order to heal properly and move on to create a new life. 

1. Forgiving Others

Normally when we think of forgiveness in relation to divorce, we think of forgiving the former spouse. While it is necessary to feel the feelings you have after a difficult situation — including anger, blame and others — at some point in the healing journey you need to forgive the spouse, or at least let go of negative emotions associated with that person. This is because focusing on the negative prevents moving forward into the positive. Our minds want to give us what we want, and if we stew in negative emotions our mind believes that is what we want, and we will get more of the same — this is classic law of attraction theory. 

Do you remember the cartoons from long ago (I may be dating myself here) where a character had an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other? Both were whispering into the ear of the character, telling him or her what to do in a particular situation. 

In this case you can look at blame as the devil and forgiveness as the angel. Blaming is common when it comes to divorce. It makes us feel better temporarily because it takes the burden off the self to correct and move forward. But the reality is that blaming puts us in a victim mindset, creates resentment and more negative feelings toward the former spouse, and from there we cannot heal.

It may sound difficult to “let go” of the negativity associated with a former spouse, but holding onto the negative feelings only drowns you in pain and sorrow until you stop resisting and learn to live in the present. From there you can start to forgive and focus on the good parts of the marriage  —  the happy times, raising the children (if that applies), and other memories that are not painful. This helps shift to a positive mindset and allows you to move forward to building a joyous life. Creating this mindset is accomplished by taking baby steps.

Another consideration when contemplating forgiveness is energy, and you need to keep your energy high and positive to heal. Living in negativity greatly affects energy, and it can lead to illness, injuries and pain, both physical and emotional. Remember that another person, including the former spouse, can’t “do something to you” (abuse is a complicated exception); rather, we let them do so. Once we take responsibility and realize the control we have of our own emotions and feelings, we can move on.

It is important to acknowledge a special circumstance when it comes to forgiveness of a former spouse, and that is in the case of abuse — physical, verbal, emotional, or a combination. These cases can be extremely challenging when it comes to healing, but there are ways to eliminate the negativity surrounding them and what happened, and the empowerment you gain through your exit from the relationship will push you toward your new life and joy. Professional help from those who specialize in severe trauma recovery is usually required.

2. Forgiving the Self

Forgiveness does not only mean forgiving the former spouse. It also means forgiving ONESELF. This type of forgiveness can be even more difficult than forgiving others. We tend to be our own worst critics, and oftentimes in situations like divorce we question our own decisions and actions — “What did I do wrong?” “Why didn’t I “fix” it?” “Why did I stay in an unhappy relationship for so long?”

The secrets to learning to forgive the self include being kind and gentle to yourself, accepting what is — recognizing that you cannot change the past (stop with the “should have, could have, would have” outlook), feeling your feelings and acknowledging them, stop resisting living the peaceful life you want to live by letting negativity consume you, putting healthy food into your body and moving, catching and correcting yourself when you blame yourself, stop blaming your former spouse, and continue taking small steps like this every day. Most of all, love yourself. You are a work in progress — we all are! 

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Holding onto anger, blame and resentment toward oneself and/or the former spouse after divorce not only stagnates the healing process, but can also cause illness and pain within the physical and mental/emotional body. Recognizing that we are not bad, evil, wrong, etc. for the demise of a relationship or a marriage, that suffering is temporary, and that situations like divorce are a means of finding purpose in life so we can be our highest and best selves, is the key to happiness. It is only at this point that we can heal our spirits and make a difference in the world. 

It is also important to acknowledge that trauma like divorce does not prevent us from achieving future happiness. In fact the truth is quite to the contrary — the wisdom we gained throughout the relationship, the trauma, and throughout our lives provide us with a skillset to accomplish anything! 🦋