I was speaking with someone recently who told me that although she is still married on paper, she is truly divorced. She and her husband live together but are basically roommates, and that is all. There is no love and no connection, only a history.

As I listened to this story – one I have heard many times – I could see in her face that although she said she felt “free,” she really was trapped. Trapped from discovering who she could be – the highest version of herself. Now this does not mean that divorce is necessary, just that if the discovery process of what she wants the rest of her life to look like is not completed, she and her life will remain in limbo.

Here are the questions to ask to help yourself when in this situation:

1. To Whom are You Committed? You need to either commit to the marital relationship, and this will likely take hard work and help from a third party, or decide whether it cannot move forward so that you can commit to YOU. Being committed to an “us” is different from committing to “me,” but both involve a healing journey and hard work.

Note: you may not know the answer and that is ok, but please get some help so you can figure it out and move forward, no matter the choice.

2. Are You Growing? If you are in a situation that is compromising (i.e. you are unhappy, you cringe when the garage door opens, you don’t like to go home/go to bed/be in the house with the spouse, etc.) you prevent yourself from growing and becoming your highest self. I know this because it happened to me. It took an effect on my body, my emotions and my spirit, and I spiraled deeper into unhappiness until I realized there was no way I could grow unless I made changes.

3. Are You Putting YOU First? No matter whether you decide to stay married or leave, you will need to put you first to make the right decision – every situation is different and the answer is subjective, based on many factors that only you (and your spouse) can decide.

If you decide to stay married you will need to learn how to put your marriage first in a whole new way, which requires a lot of work and probably won’t be successful without the help of an experienced coach or therapist. I don’t suggest trying to do this yourself because you need to really dive into the relationship to determine the issues that got you to this point in the first place – this is the only way you can prevent falling back into the same patterns.

If you decide to end the marriage you will need to learn how to put yourself first so you can grow and morph into the best version of you, because once you understand what you need in order to do this, amazing things will come your way.

Consequences…

Staying in a situation that is not bringing joy can cause unhappiness, illness and/or disease, emotional distress, and more. All of these feelings and the reality of the situation can push one into a victim state, from where getting out becomes even more difficult, if not impossible. This does not mean you need to leave your marriage – only that you need to address the elephants in the room and figure out what you need in order to move on and be happy.

Both choices come with hard work, so if you are staying in the marriage in order to avoid the hard work of healing yourself, you will be unhappy, fail to thrive and grow, and have no commitment to your partner or yourself.

On the flip side, if you leave the marriage so as not to have to deal with working to heal it, you may have a very hard time healing yourself so you can move on and create a solo life. It all comes down to this: you need to do the work either way because you only live this life once, so make it the best it can be. 🦋