We all want to find peace after divorce – sometimes the urge feels so strong that there is almost a sense of desperation, and the journey itself can be emotionally conflicting. Moving on from a marriage involves many layers, so it is important to be aware of them in order to heal.

I knew intuitively that the loss of a partner would not be easy, even though it needed to happen for me, but I didn’t understand the depth of that realization in some ways. After my former spouse moved out and our divorce was pending, the physical absence of him filled me with both grief and freedom, and this can be a confusing set of opposing emotions for many women to get through.

On the one hand, there is a so much grief at the end of a marriage, despite other feelings, and even if the divorce was mutually agreed upon. It is easy to understand that the end of a marriage can feel like a death – we lose so much, not just our partner, but our identity as a married person, our role as a couple, future dreams, plans and goals we created together, and the connection as a family unit.

Most of us also tend to feel like we no longer have an identity when we realize that we don’t really know who we are any longer without the titles that come with marriage/partnership. We have to dive deep to figure this out so we can move forward.

The loss of the old, familiar version of you (as a married woman) can be traumatic, and even something you may not have considered prior to divorcing. But she cannot continue to be the same person any longer without the existence of the defined roles she played in that relationship. So there is grief for who you were at that time in your life. This is normal and will haunt you less as you do the work, until it no longer feels scary.

The wonderful part as you face the future is to focus on the exciting time you have to rediscover yourself, find things you love to do and people you enjoy doing them with, and to always keep your heart open to possibilities. The improved version of you will be well worth the journey.

Grief for the past and for what has ended can also be challenging because it puts us out of our comfort zones. We tend to become so comfortable within a marriage or partnership, and even more so as the years add up, that when it ends we can feel as if we are in a twilight zone episode.

Humans by nature are comfortable with routines because they make us feel safe, and – newsflash: this is why SO MANY people stay married when they are unhappy.

When I divorced I was not overly lost about who I was as an individual, as I had already started working on myself a few years prior to the split, so I think for me it was not such a huge shock when it came to reinventing myself. By the time we actually parted physically I knew a bit about what I wanted in my solo life, at least for starters.

I still had to do some “big girl” things like buy my own house, for example. While these things felt a bit strange they also felt to me like a relief, a feeling of freedom, because I knew I was on my way to finding joy. Making those decisions on one’s own can feel scary, but also freeing because they are steps toward a new life.

Thus we get to the conundrum between feeling grief and feeling free. When we start pulling apart all the emotions and begin to make solo future plans, eventually we experience a feeling of freedom – or we may experience it right away, as I did, in conjunction with episodes of grief. This emotional ambivalence can pull at your heart, and is enough to make one feel guilty and sometimes even a tad crazy…BUT it is normal, so do not be alarmed.

Know that you have the right to feel good about the freedom feelings – I certainly did. It was the catalyst that pushed me toward consuming the healing work; it was a glimpse of what my life would be like once I healed, and for that I was and I am grateful.

If you are experiencing any of these feelings after divorce, you are surely not alone. Sink into yourself, into the healing process, into self-care and self-love. When you have a moment of wonder, a glimmer of hope, love or joy – grab it and pause: close your eyes, breathe, and sit with that feeling for a while – even just a few moments – and recognize it for what it is worth: validation that you are doing the right things to heal and be free.

The main goal in healing is to love yourself, because love allows us to open and soften, become our best version, guides us to the paths that will nourish our lives, fills us with joy, and brings peace. 🦋