I have had clients tell me that birthdays after divorce, especially the first one, can be difficult..and I agree this is true, especially for those who were married for some time.

It’s common knowledge that celebrating holidays after any break up is hard, and there are many rom-coms about this. Even when you have done the healing work and feel grateful for the new life you have created, there is something about waking up on a birthday morning as an unmarried person that feels melancholy.

First off, this is completely normal. Your brain recalls what usually happened on birthdays – the celebration with the former spouse (whether you went out, had a party, or simply shared a quiet dinner and movie at home). There was always someone there with you, and when there is not it can alert your nervous system and create feelings of despair.

The great news is this is why we do the work! We learn to love ourselves and be grateful for all we have, all we have built, and all that is to come. Of course, that never means we cannot have a good cry or what feels like a little setback – don’t ignore those feelings.

But then, after you’ve come back down to baseline, to the knowing that you are ok, that you love yourself and that love is always enough (one of the key discoveries of healing), you can make a plan to celebrate the day in a way that feels good. In fact, I always suggest making a plan for a fun birthday in advance, so you don’t get stuck in negative feelings when the day comes and you don’t have plans – even if you don’t feel like celebrating.

It’s worse to sit around and do nothing on a day you used to share with a partner, then to get out with a friend(s) and have some fun, or to take a little trip or staycation. Remember that you deserve to be happy, and sometimes we need to work harder to make that a reality.

Happy birthday, whenever it may be! 🦋