The Fake Rebound

When I left my marriage I was actually looking forward to being alone. I had no plans to date or try to meet men. I knew I needed time to heal and to be with myself, because as I have said before you cannot love another until you truly love yourself…this does not happen quickly but takes a lot of deep work. Many people think they love themselves, but they truly do not. Once you are completely happy just being with yourself, with no need for another to “make you happy” (which of course if a fallacy, as I have also mentioned before), then you are truly in love with yourself. BUT the caveat is that you have to constantly work at this, just like with any relationship.

So I moved into my new place and quickly made it a home (I am this way – I need things to be comfortable and everything put in its place). For a few months prior to that there was a man who kept popping up on my “people you may want to friend” list on Facebook. I strangely felt some connection, but I did not open his profile or do anything. I was still packing, selling things and getting ready to move, and life was chaotic with my divorce pending.

After I moved I was checking messages one night and he popped up again. I called a friend, who confirmed what I thought – there was a reason for this. So I reached out to him. We chatted a few times and had a lot in common, so we met for dinner – it was not a “date” per se, but I suppose it could have been called that.

You have to understand that at that time I was literally buzzing – I was so high on life and so happy. I just came out of a dark period and I felt insanely blissed out – I felt and looked better than I had in years, my body was strong and I felt feminine and pretty (hadn’t felt that in a long time) – awakening really does that to you. Nothing could get me down, I saw so much beauty in everything and my energy levels were so high, I literally appreciated everything and everyone, nothing made me upset and I didn’t worry about anything. I had let my inner child out after she had been hibernating for years, so I felt lighter and relaxed, ready to have fun. This is how I met this man, and because he too was so spiritual it didn’t seem to bother him, but it would be the ultimate downfall. Most men would have been scared of me in this state!

I call this man my “fake” rebound. I did not want a “rebound” relationship – that is just not for me – and this never progressed to a real relationship, thus the fake status. I don’t need to sleep with someone to feel that I am worthy – I would rather save that for someone I care about because to me intimacy is sacred. There was never anything physical between me and fake rebound guy, although I’m pretty sure the attraction was mutual…but never even a kiss!

For the next month and a half we saw each other quite often, talked on the phone, did all kinds of active and fun things. But I believe this man was intimidated by me and he was definitely not available emotionally. There were many red flags, and I realized he did not respect me in some ways, which led to him lying to me – this is never acceptable, and it means someone does not value my worth.

I am glad I had this experience because it taught me what I want in a partner when I am ready. I took away so many powerful learning lessons. I do not put myself on dating sites (and never will), because I don’t like games. Friends tell me a man won’t come knocking at my door, but I know he will come into my life when the time is right – and I am fine with being with myself until that happens. Love will find me, I know this to be true.

Mostly importantly, my fake rebound guy experience reminded me that I am so worthy – I knew that but I slipped into an old pattern. When I have a life partner again he will value my worth and appreciate me. Although I have several other requirements on my list the most important is that he is emotionally available for a mature and healthy adult relationship; so many people are not…and he must like dogs (and my dog must like him) – this is non-negotiable.

I am excited for that chapter and I know it is coming, but I am also content with being with just myself (and my dog). I like who I am – a strong, independent, smart, fun, beautiful and successful woman. The man who sees this will be a lucky man. We women need to embrace who we are and stand strong in our self-worth, because we are all goddesses. Don’t ever doubt your self worth, and don’t ever change for anyone!

Stop Being a Victim

Victim consciousness is so prevalent in our society and prevents so many people from being happy. I cannot even count how many people I meet or know who see themselves as victims – bad news and bad things always come their way and they are resigned to it (“I never get a break,” “I get all the bad luck,” “He/she/it did this to me!”, etc.)

Victim consciousness is the lowest level of consciousness, and it is where a large majority of people reside. They believe things happen TO them. Until they realize that they have control over their happiness/success/achievements/financial position/etc., they will continue to live in fear and remain victims.

Newsflash: until you get out of victim consciousness you cannot thrive and be happy! Good things will NOT happen to you when you are a constant victim. Many people have NO idea that they alone have control over whether good or bad things happen in their lives, and it all evolves around our energy.

There are other levels of consciousness in between, but the ultimate goal is to be in harmony with who you are, to just be. It takes a LOT of work to get there, and I hope to do so one day in all areas of my life. But the concept is beautiful, especially if you think about what the planet would be like if people lived in this manner!

Personally I am not a victim vampire (that’s what I call people who are always the victim, as it drains my energy to speak with or be around them – I know you know someone like this), but there were parts of my life which I lived as a victim by accepting circumstances despite the fact that they were neither ideal nor made me happy. So in some respects I was a victim; unless one reaches high levels of consciousness we all do or have/will live some aspects of life as a victim.

For the last few years of my marriage I was not treated as I deserved, and I kept thinking it would get better, or that I could change it by myself. I tried feebly to do so but was shut down and had to go on offense, so I stopped trying. From that point I stopped using my voice to find ways to connect and have meaningful discussions about my concerns. Things got worse and my feelings toward my former husband began to change drastically.

I did not stand up and speak my truth for a long time, and believe me that is so opposite of who I am as a person. I think many of us give up when conversations continually become arguments or situations become too much effort, and I was just tired of the scenario. It brought me down and now when I look back at photos or videos of myself I see such unhappiness in my eyes; I carried so much pain in my physical body and I can see that too now.

After some time I set boundaries and ultimatums – we either went to therapy or it was over; we finally agreed on that and commenced a year of couples and individual therapy (and of course I continued to do much needed work on my spiritual self during that time – learning to accept, to be patient, to put myself first, to connect with my god and to let go of so much). I had to change the way I was wired to some degree, elevate my level of consciousness (this is always a process), and do a lot of soul searching. In time things started becoming more and more clear to me, and my intuition told me what I needed to be happy.

To move into a higher level of consciousness you need to be mindful (really think about your feelings and thoughts), set your intentions and act accordingly…this will help you toward awakening. In my mind this means truly loving yourself, realizing that you are the only one who can make you happy, knowing happiness is always a choice, and living your life this way without comparing yourself to anyone else. You can start with little things, like telling yourself how beautiful/smart/talented/capable/strong you are, and taking baby steps toward something that makes you happy.

I was able to survive my divorce and thrive because of my state of consciousness, because I love myself. In the darkest time of my life things were falling into place for me. Instead of blaming others for where I found myself, I accepted things were that way because they simply were, and I moved through it and found so much joy in myself.

*****

If you are looking for help in jumpstarting your spiritual growth, there are many masters who teach consciousness and how to live a more enlightened life. Michael Beckwith is one of my favorite spiritual teachers on this subject, and I like the way he explains and labels the different levels and guides how to begin your growth work. You can find him and his teachings on the internet.

On Being Alone

I picture myself so clearly, just last Spring, standing in my home the day before moving out. Much of the furniture had been sold, and there were boxes everywhere. It was quiet, late afternoon, the dappled sunlight filtering through the shutters. I looked around at this home I had lived in for over 20 years, and so many memories came flooding back to me as if someone pressed play on a video. I saw my children at various stages in their lives – as babies crawling, as toddlers playing in the middle of the family room with blocks, a bit older with the pretend kitchen set which was right there in the corner, as teenagers running out somewhere to meet friends or heading to work, one lugging suitcases down the stairs to leave for college. Parties and holidays, celebrations. The dogs and cats and other small animals that had graced our home over the years – I could see them all in their favorite spots. I saw my former husband and I dancing and laughing, swinging the kids around, and lounging on the couch watching a movie…the memories kept coming.

I walked around my home followed by my echoed footsteps in the now mostly vacant house, and marveled that such a full life had been lived there and so much love shared, and now everything was going to change. Everywhere I looked was filled with scenes playing out. The yard that used to have a swingset, then a trampoline, and now was a beautiful and peaceful garden with a fountain and mature trees, a place I loved to sit and be still. My home would tell a great story if she could speak.

My heart was full with the memories; I was happy to relive them, and sad to say goodbye to the home and all it provided me and my family for so long, but also excited to start my new life. It was the end to a beautiful story, one in which I was blessed to be a part of, and the beginning of a new story – the rest of my life. I knew that I was heading in the right direction and this was a big step.

Change is what so many people fear when deciding whether to move on after divorce or some other traumatic event (like the death of a loved one). But there is always a choice. I knew that I would rather be happy for the rest of my life than to stay in a relationship and be stagnant – I deserve that because I am worthy. I needed to blossom…so I decided not to be afraid, not to wonder “what If I can’t ____” (be alone, be financially stable, make it on my own, etc.). Instead, I focused on the NOW. It’s the only way to heal and move forward.

Now that I have been in my new home for some time I feel beyond blessed. I delight in the way the light fills the space, the small garden I planted, the hummingbirds that visit, the trees that surround me and the ocean I can see in the distance. It is serene and it is MY home, and I look forward to returning to it each time I leave. I am grounded and happy, and most of all I love being with myself.

As a busy mom and businesswoman I used to barely take time for me. My new life is so different. I enjoy the solitude and the peace. I enjoy discovering me, who I am as a person. I notice I have let my inner child out – she was trapped for a long time (this took a lot of deep work). I am free to hike or walk, meditate, read and write, do yoga or go to classes I like when I like, and of course I have my work. I am finding it is more rewarding than ever, because my heart is happy and I am relaxed and more appreciative that I get to work.

It is said that you do not truly understand life until you are comfortable being alone (I am not sure to whom to credit this sentiment), and I believe this is 100% true. Many people are afraid to be alone. They go from relationship to relationship. Men in particular tend to jump right into relationships after breakups. But there is something wonderful in being solo, for a time at least, to process and contemplate who you are, what you want.

It is also important to remember that in order to love another person you need to truly love yourself first – the best way to do this is to spend time by yourself. I have no one to take care of (except the dog, but that is a pleasure), no one to please (except said dog, but this is not difficult as she has no expectations, never judges me and loves me unconditionally), nothing I have to do, no one who demands my attention. It is truly bliss! I can go out with friends or stay home and read or watch a movie. I can cook or order in food…no one else needs to chime in on my choices!

Now I will admit there are times that can be lonely – I have a big heart and love to give. It will be nice to have a partner again one day to sit with and laugh, share, cook, cuddle, travel. I know this will happen when the time is right, so I am not looking for it because I will attract the right person in divine time. You don’t find love by looking for it. Love will find you when you are ready, and that means loving yourself and being ok with being alone. I am taking a slow get-to-know-myself-again break after a long relationship, enjoying my own company, and falling in love with me again. This will make me a better partner AND will help me find a partner who is aligned with my spirit, which is SO IMPORTANT.

Coming to the decision to leave my marriage involved a lot of emotional hard work. Not only did I have to be sure it was what I needed to be happy, but I also had to plan my next steps. I didn’t know where I was going to live after I sold my home, but I had to place my trust in the universe and know that I would find it. I pictured my new place and how happy I would be there. I manifested it and I found the place I wanted exactly where I wanted. I know it is because I was trusting and calm and only focused on the present, and did not let fear take over.

If you are at a point in your life where you will be leaving a relationship here is my advice: Do not fear being alone, because you are stronger than you know. Remember that if it were easy people would not be afraid to do it, but you are capable and brave, and you know there is bliss at the end of the road. Trust yourself and learn to love yourself.

Letting Go

If I had to choose one lesson I’ve learned over the last few years in my journey to loving myself and finding happiness, letting go would be at the top of my list. Many people understand the concept and even like the idea of letting go of things, ideas or people that do not serve them, but in actuality they never do it. Some reasons people don’t follow through are fear of rejecting others, not being understood, changing a lifestyle, giving up a pattern, disappointing people, and not knowing how to let go, but to truly find happiness it is a necessary step.


What it Means to Let Go
The concept of letting go does not just mean “dropping” people from your life; letting go means delving deep into what makes you unable to be your highest self, and deciding whether your connection with something or someone is prohibiting you from achieving it. (** Notice I didn’t say that another person is causing you to not achieve – the only one who can make or cause you to succeed or fail is YOU – but more on that in another blog). It can refer to behaviors, perceptions, judgments or relationships.

I went through a dark tunnel before and during the time of my uncoupling. I had to let go of a LOT – beliefs, fear of change, fear of loneliness and the unknown, and particular patterns and behaviors that did not serve me. Figuring out how to do this and what one needs to let go of can be tricky and takes a lot of work. A good place to start, which I have recommended to many people, is the book Letting Go by David Hawkins.

Letting Go Of People
I have had to say goodbye to a few people who brought me down and infused negative energy into my life. As an empath it is hard for me to have a relationship with someone, no matter how much I love them, who is negative or who lives in a state of victim consciousness (more about this in another blog). No matter what great advice I give or how much I cheer them on to rise above it, it never materializes. I cannot waste my energy trying to help someone if they do not want to change – it’s like trying to convince an addict to quit an addiction. They have to want to help themselves first before any changes can take place.

Letting Go of Behaviors and Beliefs
Similarly, I have let go of patterns of behavior and beliefs. For example, for many years I thought I could fix the problems in my marriage by myself. Instead of focusing on how I was feeling by not being loved the way I needed to be loved (by both my partner and MYSELF), and continuing with things the way they were, I could no longer grow and become my best self. I am not sure whether I saw this or refused to see it, but likely the latter. After all, I had a good life – a beautiful family, nice home, good job…part of me thought maybe it was just me (a sentiment that was suggested multiple times by my partner). At one point it got so bad that I realized I was being manipulated to feel I was failing at the relationship (I am not blaming – this could have been done unintentionally). That is when a light bulb went off and I realized I needed to focus on how I felt and what I wanted, to see if the partnership could be salvaged so that I (and he of course) was truly happy, appreciated and respected.


Without happiness, appreciation and respect there is no relationship.


When I made the decision to leave my marriage it was not done quickly or lightly. We spent a year going to therapy and trying to make changes that would allow us to be happy as a couple. It was a lot of work – couples therapy, individual therapy, lifestyle changes and a TON of inner work on my part (I had already been doing this for a few years prior to our year of trying to make it work, and continued with it).


I let go of concepts and ideas that were ingrained in me by society and religion, like how it was “wrong” to leave a marriage. I even had a neighbor tell me that the Lord would shun me and bring illness upon me for doing so (I let go of her advice and her – my intuition tells me god wants me to be the best person I can be, and to be happy so I can spread my love and be of service to others).


In the end I knew I had to trust my heart. All the therapy and trying to fix things did not change how I felt, nor did it change the fact that my partner did not provide what I needed (to be fair I likely was not providing what he needed, because I did not truly love myself). He did try to make changes, and to his credit he did make some positive headway, but I felt in my heart that much of what was there for a long time that made me unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship was still present. I knew what I had to do to be happy, but actually doing it was very hard work.


** It is important to say that I am not advocating divorce – that is a very personal decision and no two situations will be identical. Letting go can involve ideas and concepts and behaviors that will allow you to stay with your partner and be very happy together.


Letting go is a difficult thing to do. It should not be done without much inner work and self-study. Energy healers are wonderful people who can also help you clear your negative energy and focus on you, your feelings and your needs – I have and continue to do lots of energy work, and also have a wonderful person who helps me clear a lot of stuck energy when needed, so that I am clear headed and able to focus on what I need to be happy. Traditional therapists can also help if that serves you. Trusting your instincts is the ONLY way to be happy; listen to yourself and realize when people/behaviors are not serving you, and learn to let go.

Me, Me, Me

There are some people who seem to live their lives with this mantra in their heads – they may be called narcissists, go-getters, high achievers, successful, or a myriad of other names, and it depends on their agenda. But for most of us, although the idea of being self-centric seems delightful we don’t realistically live our lives that way. This is because we take care of others, have responsibilities, we’re taught to “do the right thing” and put others first, etc.

I have learned many lessons in my journey to happiness, and this is a big one. Here is the key about this “me first” lifestyle – it is the ONLY way to love yourself completely and find true happiness. Putting yourself first should not be detrimental to yourself or others. It does not mean you need to stop caring for your children or your spouse, forgo paying your mortgage, or take off for tropical ports leaving your responsibilities behind. It means finding a balance so you feel fulfilled. That is hard to do because for many of us it means altering routines, and change is tough and often feared. But it does not have to be that way. Awakening to your highest self means putting you first so you are better at giving to others. I promise it is possible.

** I am not a therapist so if you are in or considering therapy please by all means discuss this with a professional. Everyone’s pathway to self love and happiness will be different.

To contemplate how to accomplish this critical step to self love I like to start with a simple question: “where am I?” The answer is simple – I am HERE, right now. Our brains are mostly focused on the future (I have to pick up the kids, start dinner, do laundry, finish that presentation, book reservations), or the past (I should have shared my viewpoint on that conference call, why didn’t I wear the red suit today, the kids should have been given raincoats when I dropped them off…) The only way to become truly happy is to focus on the present. Your brain will naturally drift, so you will need to right it many times, and that is ok. Focusing on mistakes and regrets from the past is a waste of energy, because it cannot be altered; focusing on the future also wastes energy because it takes you away from the present. [** I am not advocating ceasing to think of the past and the future, but rather focusing on living in the present; it is a dance that needs to be perfected constantly.]

Putting me first and focusing on the present were perhaps the biggest challenges for me, but it was not until I did that I was able to move forward toward happiness. As the prospect of changing how one does things can be overwhelming, the best way to start is to stop before making decisions and ask if it is in your best interests. For example, I used to never say no – I had a hard time not helping, even when I was too busy to effectively do so. But NOW I know that the most important thing for me is to be happy and to use my energy toward that goal. I know the things that make me happy (it took some time to truly discover this), and so now I stop and take inventory before making decisions. I have no regrets because the things on which I do focus my energy should make me feel good, not taxed. Try this in your own life and let me know how it goes. I think you will be surprised.

I have always been a very private person, yet after my divorce I shared my situation and feelings very publicly on social media. The response was incredible – messages and calls received from other people, mostly women, who had gone through similar situations, all thanking me for my candor and for sharing. I made the decision to do so because there are SO many people going through hard situations, and oftentimes it makes us feel so lonely. That can lead to mental health issues, including depression. When we know others are going through difficult times and are surviving and focusing on thriving, it can be therapeutic and at the least, comforting.

One friend, a man, reached out and was quite surprised I shared my feelings. he told me he and his wife had also separated but that he never shared his situation publicly…he wondered why I did so. I told him I did it for ME, because sharing my truth helped me to heal; the double bonus was that my words might help others to feel less lonely, and that was also a very good feeling when it materialized.

So, I started my journey to enlightenment with small steps, focusing on what is best for me, what makes me happy, and ignoring that little voice that says I shouldn’t share private feelings and experiences (especially on social media!). My voice gives me purpose, makes me stronger, AND helps others…all because I put me first.

Sat nam.

Into the Light

2021 was perhaps the most challenging year of my life, but at the same time it was the year I became free, became me again. The symphony of emotions experienced would likely have caused most humans to make a choice other than the one I chose, but when the goal is to be happy oftentimes that means going through sadness, suffering and deep self discovery first. When you are in the dark tunnel and have started things in motion you have to experience every feel...there is no hiding if you want to come out into the light at the other end. That is the only way to wake up.

A year ago I decided to leave a marriage/relationship that spanned 3 decades, saw children born and grown into adults, careers blossom and change, and was filled with both happy and challenging times. Most women in my situation would not have left due to fear of change – a new life that involves self support and being alone, not knowing where to live, how to pick up pieces and start over after so many years of doing things with a partner, especially as a “middle-aged” woman (a term I really don’t like). These all played into my decision of course, and it was not made lightly or quickly.

I had been unhappy for many years. There was no physical abuse or drug use, no addictions. He was not perfect and neither am I – none of us are! There were many good times, but there was a big part of myself that became buried – I was not understood. There is no blame, no judgment. The past is over and we are only here now, in this moment. I knew I did not need to waste energy on what went wrong or how things “should/could/would have” been IF…

I needed to find me again because she was lost so long ago. She was wife, mother/primary caretaker of children, then hard worker bee (while still taking care of children, the house, finances, and managing the family in every way). Don’t get me wrong, I loved these roles and signed up for them, but my spirituality went dormant and my inner child into hiding.

The funny thing is that I didn’t realize for quite some time the state I was in. I was caught up in daily life. Then at some point years back I realized I needed to do something. My marriage was suffering and I was not truly happy. I thought of course I could fix it, because I am a fixer, a caretaker. But years went by and I literally ignored my feelings and developed pains in my physical body, not stopping to ask why they were there. Until 2018. That was the magic year I started to find my spirituality again.

A wise woman told me it was as if I was constantly picking up broken sticks and trying to put them back together. But there were too many broken sticks and I finally realized I was wasting my energy trying to do it myself. I knew I needed to work together with my husband to see if we could get our relationship on track and each be truly happy together, and I started thinking about how to go about it.

The following year I took the trip of a lifetime with my daughter to Southeast Asia, which was an epiphany. The first thing I felt were ALL the pains I had in my physical body disappear when I got there – literally. They were absent during the entire trip, only to return the day before I was to fly home. There had been many signs by that point but this was the jolt to my spirit and the sign I needed to make changes. I knew I had to fall in love with myself again and release my heart from its chains in order to be happy. I knew it would not be an easy road but I was finally ready, and so my journey started…