Post-Divorce Dating: Best Advice, and a Ghost

Dating after divorce is one of the things many of my clients fear most, especially because so much has changed in the dating world since before most of them were married – namely, the dreaded dating apps.

First of all, it is of utmost importance to mention that if you just went through or are going through divorce, please do yourself the biggest favor possible and DON’T DATE UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE THE HEALING WORK FOR YOURSELF! I’m sorry for “shouting,” but I cannot tell you how important this last sentence is. If you think you’ll be “fine” dating prior to healing, you have a rude awakening ahead.

The reason you need to heal first is to discover the “new” version of you – who you are now, after divorce, how your new life will look, and especially what you need and want in your next partner. You cannot know these things until you have gone through the healing journey, and that involves many steps. If you “find” someone before healing it will be a someone that the “old” version of you attracts, instead of someone the “new” version of you will attract… and that relationship will not be sustainable as you evolve.

Once you are ready to date there are things to watch out for, as there are many people who do not truly represent their true selves, and many more who do not yet know what that means. When I first started dating I was seeing a few fantastic men. There was a friend of a friend I had been interested in meeting, but when I first reached out to him he was seeing someone. A few months later he contacted me and asked if I was still interested in meeting, and I was. When he messaged me I was sitting in a restaurant waiting for a late friend to arrive and I happened to be texting someone, so when his message popped up I answered…I never heard from him again. 👻

A friend later told me I “answered too quickly.” How silly is that! It was one of the new “rules” of dating – don’t appear too excited, I suppose. But here is the thing: I don’t play by rules. I am simply and unapologetically me, and I am 100% proud to speak and stand in my truth. I knew exactly what type of men I wanted to date, and the first rule was that they had to have worked on themselves and understood what they wanted. This guy quickly put himself in the “NEVER” pile – his loss!

When you do the work on YOU, you become a force – strong, self-confident, happy, sure of who you are, what you want, and what you deserve. These qualities make you a high-value woman or man. What this man did – ghosting – was a game, something I wanted no part of. The men I dated had to love that I didn’t play games, or forget it. My time was not worth wasting. If you want to find an amazing relationship down the road, this is the attitude to adopt.

Doing the work means learning how to value yourself so you make the best choices for you, and by doing so you will eventually find a partner who loves, values and respects you – for you. I knew once I did the work and felt so good about myself that I would find that person when the timing was right.

Love is not found by searching for it. It is found when you heal and exude the energy that attracts the right person, who is also healed and ready. You must first love YOU before you can love another. I promise this is worth the work and the wait.

Do you need help figuring out how to find yourself and become a high-valued person that will attract the right partner? Please reach out to me here. 🦋

Power in the Presence

Do you know that feeling when you are driving and then all of a sudden you arrive at your destination but don’t remember anything about the drive? Similarly, early this morning I was walking my dog and got to the end of my walk and could not remember whether I took a certain street – I was so caught up on my “to-do” list for the week that I was not present. I forgot to enjoy the way the light filtered through the foggy morning and the dew sparkled on the plants and trees.

One thing I learned in the years since my divorce is that being present is vitally important – not only to healing, but also for peace of mind. It is common for humans to get pulled down into “busyness,” and although taking long walks is part of the way I set up my day so I can focus and be the best version of myself as I dive into my work, this morning I did not do that.

The first thing to do when you do what I did is to pause, realize and accept what happened. I stopped and thought, “ok, I just went through most of that walk while I was completely in my head.” I did not berate myself or get upset, but instead made a point that next time I would remind myself to stay present before I walked out the door. Accepting that I did not utilize all my senses to enjoy the morning journey is important, as that awareness will help next time so that I CAN enjoy the moments.

When it comes to healing, staying present is SO important, as it allows us to feel, make the best choices and also to just BE. These are all necessary in order to figure out next steps and set healing in motion. One great way to set this up so you don’t do what I did (remembering that if you do, it is ok!) is to allocate time in blocks – using a calendar is best (you can use your phone). This is especially important because there are so many phases of healing, and different areas to work on. If you don’t work on one to the best of your ability it will affect the rest.

I usually like to spend a few moments on Sunday night to make a list of things I need to do that week. I list them in categories first – personal matters, work matters, exercise, and self-time/self-improvement. Then I fill in my calendar. Once it is in my calendar it is set! Of course things can change, and then I move them around. But I never compromise on the self-time, because that is the backbone of the entire healing journey. I learned how important it is to put me first…and that is how I got through healing and designing my new life post-divorce.

Try using organizational skills to block out timeframes for all the categories you want to incorporate into your schedule. There may be days you cannot fit it all in, or last minute things that come up. If those events compromise your “me time” then consider sacrificing some time before bed to write in your journal, do a quick meditation, try some yoga poses, or put on some music and dance for 10 minutes. Any of these (or a combination) will reduce stress and assure you go to bed on a positive note – which also benefits your sleep. In addition, you can wake up slightly earlier to give yourself some time in the morning to do something for yourself.

The trick in all this is to make sure you nurture body, mind and spirit every day so that you can be present and be the best version of you. Happy planning!

Lighten Up!

In the first year after my divorce I literally lightened up so much that everything I did, and still do, comes from the love in my heart and is focused on my happiness. I love so much more – people, animals, nature, myself. I am so grateful for my life and my health and my relationships, and so much more. I feel this in my body and my spirit, and I laugh more, dance more, spend more time in nature, celebrate more! It’s a beautiful thing and I am so blessed to experience this. But more importantly, I know this is the only way I will continue to live the rest of my life, and I know that doing so allows me to make a difference, not only in my life but in the lives of others.

Many human beings have lost the ability to be happy. We spend too much time staring at screens, fixated on social media and games, videos, etc. I notice many people don’t even make eye contact any more. When I go into stores and pay in the checkout line I make sure to look the clerks in the eye and smile and say something nice. You can see the surprise in some of their eyes. So many of us no longer take joy in things – so much becomes a chore in the busyness of daily life, and we forget to pause and appreciate the many blessings that make up life.

We need to get back to the way it used to be – face to face meetings and hugs and FUN! I remember growing up and being a teenager. Our form of texting was passing handwritten notes in school, and we had to wait to get home to call our friends on the landline phone. Answering machines were golden. There was no worry about social media. Sure, we still had issues with which to contend. I was bullied by a group of very mean girls in middle and high school, my reputation was soiled by lies and I was treated horribly. But when the same thing happened to my daughter at the same age it was so much worse because of social media. Luckily I had used the lessons I learned to prepare her, from a very young age, for what I assumed would happen to her as well (as she possessed great self confidence, was smart and beautiful, kind and positive – traits that make unconfident and low self-worth young women jealous). The lessons I learned, and passed onto my daughter, are to believe in yourself no matter what others say; those who do not know you and want to hurt you with false words are very lonely, unhappy people; NO ONE can bring shame upon you because they are envious of you and want to bring you down into their victim mentality, despite the initial hurt of the words you are SO MUCH BIGGER than that.

To free yourself and find yourself you must allow happiness and laughter into your life. Put down the electronics and go out with your friends, see your family. Get outside and enjoy nature. Don’t be so serious! I had become so serious before my divorce. I stopped laughing as much, wasn’t interested in food (but wasn’t eating healthy enough), wasn’t having fun and enjoying each new day; instead I was like a robot going through the motions to get things done and get to bed time, then doing it all over again the next day.

After going through the healing process I realized that every moment should be celebrated, even the challenging ones. That is because each moment is not only a gift, but also a lesson. Once you realize this truth and start living life this way you will see some incredible changes within.

People often need help in learning how to lighten up and get reacquainted with their true essence…and that is why there are people who can help. Take advantage of that. If you are healing from divorce and need a roadmap so you can find yourself again and experience joy and light, the first step is easy: reach out to someone. I would love to help you find your highest self so you can live your best life. Please visit my website at http://www.rachelsruby.com/coaching.

Illuminate Your Pathway

Scientists talk about being left brained or right brained, and most people can identify more so with one or the other. Left is the logical side, right the creative one. All my life I thought I was left-brained: academic, logical, a type-A who gets things done yesterday, a problem solver…and I am. That is a huge part of me and I embrace it. But I was always a writer, even as a child. I wrote creative stories, editorials in high school that were controversial and made people think, amazing papers in college, strong briefs as a lawyer, a novel, a self-help book, newspaper articles, short stories and a children’s book. Although I never considered myself as such, I realized at some point that I was also right-brained. I was creative! What an epiphany this was for me.

How does this relate to divorce or self-discovery, you may ask? Understanding who you are is the most critical part in finding yourself, so that you can illuminate the pathway to the rest of your life, and be the very best version of you!

I married a right-brained man. He was not an academic, nor educated. He was an artist and constantly had wonderful ideas. I enjoyed being in his easy slow-dance, right-brained presence, as the world in which I moved was a high-pressured left-brained tango. The balance between us was a welcoming respite for my brain and body, and it worked.

When I started diving deep into myself to discover what I needed and wanted with the rest of my life I realized that my creativity is a HUGE part of me. It enables me to help others, to spread my love and light and connect with people; it is what I craved…yet it was not being nurtured. My heart was not all in. I had started a few writing projects, but I had no motivation and the words weren’t flowing. So I would ignore them and continue to lead my life without. But in time I started feeling frustrated that I couldn’t write. It took a long time for me to realize it was because I was not fulfilled nor living my best life.

It took years of working on myself to get to the point where I found inspiration to live my dream, and to do good with the abilities with which I am blessed. I realized through all of this that if we are to achieve bliss, there is no time to deny ourselves that which makes us whole…we simply cannot remain stuck in mediocrity.

Each one of us needs to dive deep to discover WHY we are here. It is not to merely live a satisfactory life – we are here to live BLISSFUL lives! We cannot do that if we are stuck in a job, relationship or living situation that is not contributing to us becoming the best and highest version of ourselves. Life is too short for settling.

A great first step in figuring out one’s best and highest purpose is to start journaling and mediating on important questions. Start by making lists about what makes you feel true bliss – it might be traveling, exercising, eating, being with animals, reading, taking care of others, or being in nature. Sit in a quiet place where you are uninterrupted, and just breathe. See yourself doing the things you love. If you love hiking envision an incredible hike, feel what it feels like to be in nature and fresh air, hear the sounds the forest or wherever you may be. Feel your feet on the earth, live it in your mind. Do this often.

Next, you have to look at the way in which you incorporate into your life the thing(s) that bring you joy. Do you do those things already? Do you only do them sometimes or not at all? Do you only dream of them? Start making ways to do experience them more often, and notice how you feel. You should start to feel lighter and happier, perhaps have more energy and be more positive.

Finding yourself is a journey, especially after a trauma like divorce, but it is necessary to do so. Transformation and happiness ARE possible…it’s never too late to live your best life!

Speak Your Truth

One big lesson I learned through the challenging end of my marriage and subsequent divorce was how important it is to use one’s voice to express feelings and be vulnerable. For me this was a surprise because I am not one to shy away from stating my case and using my voice. I have always been vocal, fighting for what I wanted, teaching and mentoring others – always a leader. But somehow during the last years of my marriage I started keeping feelings and emotions inside and not sharing them.

Part of the reason for this was because of the way those expressed feelings were being received and the responses they elicited. I didn’t want to argue and cause anger as I was trying to process my own feelings, so in order to keep things peaceful and keep myself from being retaliated against, I subconsciously chose not to express myself. But this did more damage than I could have imagined.

In hindsight this was obviously not the right thing to do, as our partners cannot guess what we feel. When you keep emotions bottled up inside it can often turn to resentment towards the person from whom you are withholding feelings. I think at a certain point I was trying to protect myself from dealing what needed to be dealt with, but I DID share my feelings when we went to couples therapy, so it wasn’t as if he was clueless.

Being able to speak openly to a loved one without being judged or criticized is so important. But it is hard to do so when your expressions are not met with acceptance (even if the feelings are not reciprocated). This is a point that many couples get to at some time or another, and it requires a lot of work to get back on track but it is possible with willingness and work from both people. For those who continue to withhold rather than express it can have dire affects.

Once I realized that I was doing this I spent a lot of time processing why. We had been together 30 years, and I had to dive deep to figure out when this started, how it changed, IF it changed or was always present but just tolerated or even ignored, and what I wanted. My journey brought me answers, as did reactionary responses and behaviors. I realized much of it had always been that way, and because I was so much more connected with myself at that point then I had been in a long time, my needs had changed. When I tried to express those needs they were met with resistance and accusations, so I started not sharing.

At some point when one is not getting what one needs from a partner, she/he can start to shut down. Feelings of love and the need for intimacy can wane and even disappear. Again the result was not one-sided and I take full responsibility for my role. But the breakdown was too strong to drum up the desire to keep trying. I needed my freedom, I needed to be me and discover me, not just the part I played in the “we.”

Sometimes it is difficult to figure out when a breakdown in communication actually occurs or how it begun; one just finds oneself in a compromised and unhappy position. Using words to express needs is so important in any relationship. Once a partner gets used to you being easy-going by not expressing yourself, they may assume everything is “fine” within the relationship dynamic. At some point the unhappy person will get unhappier, and eventually both parties can end up that way. Often times at this point the couple may need help getting back on track.

I learned many important lessons about the value of speaking my truth – something I do in all relationships now, especially in my relationship with myself. In my next partnered relationship I am going to lay everything on the table and be vulnerable, and I expect the same from my partner. Life is too short and too precious for unhappiness. ❤️

Reverse Hiccups

Oftentimes a former partner has difficulty with a relationship taking on a new existence, and that can in turn affect us and our own journey (what I call reverse hiccups). My ex-husband and I are coming together to help one of our children, who is facing some medical challenges right now. It is a time to put aside any negativity and focus only on selflessness and love. Regardless, these situations can get tricky so it is important to continue to stand in your truth and set boundaries.

Recognizing that words and feelings can come from victim consciousness, in which blaming, shaming and attempted manipulation can be coping mechanisms, is important when speaking with an ex-partner to not be reactive. Instead, try to listen and process any responses carefully, in the hope that the messages contained therein might trigger some deep thoughts.

I have written in past posts about victim consciousness, and the rut we can fall into if we remain in that dimension. It is not easy to get out – it is perhaps the most challenging journey one can make in life. It also is not a quick process. It involves a lot of deep diving and exploration of self, which many people are too afraid to do. Most people have no idea how to do this either, and although the idea sounds good they cannot get started…so they stay in a spiral and find it gets easier to blame others for their lot in life. But this never makes one feel better or be able to move forward and find true happiness.

I have gone through a LOT of deep work, but I am the first to say that it never ends – this work is a process that is ongoing. We have to open our minds and our hearts if we want to heal, and that means constantly turning the mirror on ourselves. It is human nature to blame when we feel down, so you must accept that. But where we go from there is how we rectify the pain in our lives and turn it into love. Oftentimes people need guidance on this journey, as it is not easy to figure out by oneself, especially if one is not spiritual and/or conscious. Many people have no idea what it means to be conscious, and that is ok.

Here are some great places to start a deep dive (I have mentioned a few before): seek the guidance of an energy healer (make sure s/he is highly skilled – if you live in the San Diego area I am happy to suggest a few names); learn how to meditate (many people do not understand the reality of this and how therapeutic it is) – there are classes in person and online to help; practice breath work – this will require guidance as well if you are not experienced, and there are many resources online and in books; spend time in nature daily, preferably barefooted; learn to let go (the book Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by Dr. David R. Hawkins is a great resource); WRITE your feelings and experiences down in a journal – try to do this daily even it if is a short entry. These suggestions are a great way to start your journey.

Another beautiful way to tune into your levels of consciousness is to take online classes – Mindvalley is my favorite app (it requires membership but it is well worth it), and there are so many great programs like Life Visioning Mastery with Michael Beckwith (this is a fabulous initiation into consciousness), The Silva Ultramind System with Vishen Lakhiani (Vishen is the founder of Mindvalley and has also authored some wonderful books – this program is a bit advanced and may be best after you have made some progress with deep self-discovery) , Rapid Transformational Hypnotherapy with Marisa Peer, A Journey to Infinitheism with Mahatria (LOVE this program), Duality with Jeffrey Allen, and Calling in the One with Katherine Woodward Thomas (learning to love yourself and ultimately find someone to love you).

No matter how you begin to dig into your consciousness, your choices and beliefs, making a choice to do so is the key. There is a lot of help out there for anyone seeking to be truly happy…but it must start with desire, belief and expectation that it is possible. Enjoy the journey!

**********

If you are on a journey to your reach your highest level of consciousness, are learning deeply about yourself and seeing changes in your life, please reach out to me. I hope to inspire by sharing my own journey and love to hear what others are discovering about themselves!

Hiccups

Divorce is never easy, even in situations where the parties are not battling and remain civil, because the union is suffused with history, feelings, connections with others, and oftentimes a family. Even when a person knows it is the right thing to do in order to be happy there can be moments of self-doubt or missing the relationship, even long after the split.

The first time I had such a “hiccup” was when I had to have a minor surgery. It was a strange feeling to be alone, to come home after the outpatient surgery, not feeling so great, and have to take care of myself. It made me miss having a partner to take care of me. So I had a moment of self-doubt in my decision.

I felt in that moment that I missed having someone to help me and be with me through difficult times (as well as good times, or when I had a hard day or was dealing with everyday challenges). During those times it was so nice to know that my partner could bring home dinner or take care of the kids if I went to bed early or took a relaxing bath.

In the rare times that any such feelings of doubt arise I let them in and allow myself to experience them. It is so important to do this and not to ignore them, because acknowledging the feelings is part of the personal growth work and part of healing. I ask myself how I am feeling and what triggered my feelings so that I can recognize it. Then I ground myself by reminding myself why I made the choices I made, how important my happiness is to me, and how blessed I am to be where I am now. It is ok to feel what we feel – let it in, recognize it, and then let it go.

Being in a relationship is a beautiful experience, and it is ok to mourn the loss long after it is over. Our feelings of loss are also a reminder of our dedication to loving ourselves. Of course every divorce story is different, but even in situations where it is contentious and nasty I imagine there were some happy memories from the marriage, and those will always be there no matter how unhappily it ended.

Recently my son was going through some difficult times, and I was hesitant to call my ex-husband but did make the connection. We agreed to work as a team to help our son and discussed a plan to do so, and that felt really good. It was actually the first talk we had where we were both completely on the same page and I did not feel antagonized; it was not about us or our divorce, but instead was about our mutual love for our child. I feel it strengthened our bond as parents, and also likely helped both our hearts heal a bit as well.

I love the idea of “uncoupling” instead of “divorcing.” Although they both refer to the act of partners splitting up, the concept of “uncoupling” connotes kinder, softer and selfless means of achieving the same end result. One does not think of anger, negativity and arguing when feeling into this concept, as uncoupling requires both parties to be consciously aware of themselves and their partner (and children when they are involved). “Divorce” on the other hand harbors so much negativity and can be fueled by selfishness, resentment, and even the need for revenge.

The way we each approach a divorce says a lot about ourselves and our self love. Forgiving oneself and the ex-partner is the only way toward finding true happiness. Realizing and appreciating the beauty and lessons that came from the relationship – whether it lasted months, years or decades – will make you a stronger person. So don’t be so hard on yourself and let the “hiccups” come when they do, as it will bring you closer to love and happiness.

Embracing Self Trust

Awakening to a blissful life requires a lot of personal growth work, and it is absolutely an incredible journey. But it is also challenging and emotional, as it requires you to step up to be the best version of yourself. In the end though, if you stay true to yourself and trust your instincts, you will come to a place you could not have imagined. That place is the true YOU, the you that deserves light and love and happiness.

Once you get there, once you have jumped off the proverbial cliff with no fear and trusted in yourself and the guidance of the universe, you will feel reborn. It’s like being energized and filled with a beautiful light that spreads throughout your body, cleansing and envigorating. You may start to laugh, smile or cry at times from sheer happiness, your body may experience vibrating or buzzing sensations, and you may start to experience things that are inexplicable – visions, instincts, strange signs, bizarre dreams and heightened intuition, to name a few. It is an amazing experience.

Like any journey, once you come down from the initial awakening high and sink back into your life patterns (work, school, etc.), there will be times you may feel lonely, especially around people who are not awakened and don’t understand what you went through. During such times you may doubt decisions you made and miss your old life or an old relationship – even if you know in your heart that the decisions were soundly made and that you can never go back to an unfulfilling existence where you did not get what you needed. These feelings are perfectly normal. I have experienced them – mostly when I am low like when I don’t feel well or when I am overwhelmed with work. There are many things that can trigger these feelings, and it is important to recognize that they are normal.

I have had these feelings and I am glad they come once in a while, because they are a reminder that I made a commitment to myself to do the things that are right for me, my happiness and peace of mind. Once I recognize such feelings I let them go, because my awakening into self-love taught me to trust my intuition, to put myself first so I can honor my quest for true happiness as long as I am alive.

One thing that always helps me, especially during the low times, is to write down the things about myself for which I am grateful. Conversely, it helps to write down the things I need to let go. I did a lot of this over the course of the last few years, but it always makes me feel better to revisit this writing practice, and I can tailor the letting go part to my specific feelings. For example, if I am missing having a partner with whom to share my life I will express my gratitude for being brave enough to leave an unhappy marriage, so that I can pursue true happiness within myself (knowing this step must happen first) before I find a partner with whom I can grow and create a meaningful relationship. I release any doubts I have that cause me to question my intuition, knowing that there was so much thought behind my decision and that I listened to my heart. I list all the doubts I am feeling and then let them go. This exercise allows me to be open so that I am available (emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally) when the right partner comes my way.

There is something cathartic about expressing ourselves through writing, even if we never share it with anyone. It is a tool I have used all my life to keep myself grounded and get through difficult times. I sometimes write letters to people I let go, but never send or give them to those people. It is my way of expressing myself as if I am talking to them, of getting closure and securing that promise to myself to love myself and put me first in my pursuit of happiness.

Trusting yourself self means embracing your essence, your truth, and allows you to be your highest self. The more you continue to listen to that inner voice and your heart, the more beauty you will experience.

Recognizing Patterns

“Finding patterns is the essence of wisdom” – Dennis Prager

One of the hardest things for any human being to do is to really dive deep inside oneself and look at patterns of behavior that cause us to be unhappy, stuck, unfulfilled, or to experience a myriad of negative feelings. This is especially true in relationships.

In my personal growth work I have focused on loving myself and breaking down barriers within myself to put me first, to give myself permission to let go of notions that I had to take care of everyone and then find time for me. But coming out of a 30 year partnership I didn’t think about my patterns.

I was listening to a relationship expert discuss people who attract the “wrong” people time and again, oftentimes emotionally unavailable people. [**It is important to note here that I do not think people are “wrong,” in that each person comes into our field to teach us lessons about ourselves, even though they may not be a person with whom we can/should become intimate]. She talked about doing the deep work to love yourself first, which I have done and continue to do, and examining the patterns that put people in these situations. I thought none of what she was saying applied to me because I have done so much work on myself, but then I thought some more and realized that I needed to look at my own patterns, because one day I would like to find a partner with whom to share my life, and there are certain things I know I will need from him; I expect he will need things from me as well, and I want to be ready to reciprocate. Lesson learned: we can ALWAYS grow!

In thinking of my patterns when it comes to relationships, I realized that I had been the same way in my long marriage as I was with the other relationships I had prior to that. In every instance I was with a person who could not give me something important that I needed, but I stayed the course and took care of them and gave my heart to them. In one relationship I loved someone so deeply, and in a way he must have loved me, but he was emotionally unavailable, unable to commit; still I savored any time I could get with him. I never spoke up and expressed what I needed, until the very end when he was moving away. I was afraid of losing what we had, but the reality is we had nothing, as he was not emotionally available. By staying in that “relationship” I lowered my self-worth by allowing that to be ok, when I deserve so much more (we all do).

In my marriage I needed to be heard and appreciated and listened to, not told what was wrong with my thought processes, or how I could do things “better.” For a long time in the final years I ignored my own needs and let resentment build up. When I finally expressed myself it all came out; my husband wanted to make the relationship work and wanted to “change,” so we tried for a year to rekindle things and make positive changes. But during that time I realized he was not capable of giving me what I needed because of the things he needed to deal with first. In turn I was not capable of giving him what he needed because I had worked hard to understand what I needed to be happy, and being in that relationship no longer served me.

All of these relationships, plus other minor ones with emotionally unavailable men, make me realize now that I do have a pattern with putting others first, ignoring my own needs, and being with partners who do not understand me nor listen to and respect me. I was also overly independent in relationships and took charge – of everything. Looking back that means the men I attracted were men who liked me being the main driver (taking care of the house, children, bills, repairs, planning investments and vacations, etc.). The new version of me wants and needs a vastly different relationship dynamic and now that I know that I know I will find it.

Coming out of victim consciousness (see my previous post on this topic for more on this) is the first step to deciphering patterns that keep us going in circles, the first step in healing ourselves so we can find the right partner. It is so easy to blame others, blame the world, circumstances, your job, the pandemic…the list is endless. But in the big picture blame is just a waste of energy and keeps you running in circles. It also can lead to anxiety or depression, or just plain nastiness.

Once we stop blaming and stop focusing on the past as a learning experience, we can truly focus on the future and the new version of ourselves – the version we can manifest once we understand who we are and what we need. When we are grounded and know what we want and what makes us happy, when we can let go of past ideas, people and patterns that stand in the way of what we want for ourselves, and when we embrace being by ourselves because we truly love ourselves, it is easy to manifest what the future holds.

My Body, My Temple

Being healthy is one of the most important and necessary ingredients to finding true happiness and living an abundant life. If you want to be happy and you are loading up on sugar and caffeine, meat, fried and junk foods and alcohol, you will not be your sharpest or leanest, nor will you be functioning at your highest level of mental fitness. I personally believe that diet can prevent all kinds of illness, and that it is also a way to escape illness (with the right direction from an expert, or course, and in partnership with your doctor).

Personally I view my body as my temple – I only put the best ingredients in it because I cherish it and my life. I eat a very clean diet – vegetarian (mostly vegan), with the occasional piece of fish (but no other meat), no fried foods, no GMOs or anything processed, no sugar (this is so important, and most people ingest way too much), no alcohol, all organic ingredients when possible, and no junk/fast food. I take many supplements as well. I read all ingredients and know which product brands are the cleanest – I only shop at natural markets so that makes it easier to find these brands. The bottom line is that I feel great – when there is an issue within my body I know it right away because I am so in tune with myself.

I know a lot of people don’t want to hear this, and don’t want to change the way they eat. I am pointing it out because there is a HUGE difference in the way your body feels when you do eat clean. Try it for 2 weeks and see how you feel. There are plenty of great protein sources out there other than meat. I am not a licensed nutritionist so my advice would be to find a good one, perhaps online if you like. Notice how you feel physically and mentally after doing this for a bit (that’s why I suggest 2 weeks minimum, but many nutritionists suggest a month). Let me know – many friends have tried it and cannot believe how they feel. It is important to not think of changing eating habits as a “diet” or a sacrifice, because that could be a recipe for failure. Rather, it is a way of life.

I know that eating healthy played a huge part in healing from my divorce. By keeping my body clean I was able to stay clear headed and process everything emotionally and mentally. My physical well being did not suffer. You may remember how I described in an earlier post about how I had pains in my body for years prior to deciding to leave my marriage, and how when I was away from it all my pains disappeared. It was a huge aha moment for me when I took a trip to Thailand with my daughter and every pain left my body (I am referring to chronic pain, not occasional muscle pains common to over-exercising or sitting/standing too long). That’s when I knew that I needed to leave my marriage (it had been a long process of decision making), and I am happy to say that I live pain free.

There are a few people whom I love very much and have been trying to help for years. I have sent books and articles and links to sites of nutrition experts and people who have cured themselves of dis-ease with food and energy healing. But no matter what I do my loved ones do not make an effort to explore further. Granted it is their prerogative, but it is so frustrating to me, because I love them and want them to be well. I know that if I had an illness or ailment I would do whatever I could to get better. There is so much out there besides western medicine philosophy. I am not saying western medicine is not important – I believe in good doctors and established medical treatments. But sometimes they may not work, and if you and your doctor think it is a good idea to interject some eastern philosophies into your healing please try it. I know of people who have cured themselves of ailments doctors told them they would die from…they did it with diet or diet plus energy medicine. Today there are also more western doctors who are embracing eastern treatments in conjunction with western, which is fantastic.

If this is a new concept to you I encourage you to start researching it. There are many great resources online and in book format. If you are going through a divorce or something else that can be traumatizing it is so important to stay healthy. This is because when you are stressed or traumatized your body goes into fight or flight mode, you produce heightened levels of the stress hormone cortisol – which increases sugar in your blood. This can lead to osteoporosis, weight gain, high blood pressure, and more. When your body is stressed illness can easily take over. Getting a divorce is stressful, even if it is amicable, and you need to take care of yourself. I know people who were so stressed when they divorced that the gained a lot of weight and developed illnesses. Now of course I cannot be certain that the weight gain and illness were caused by the stress from the divorce BUT I feel pretty confident that was the case.

I made sure that I was very healthy going into my divorce, and I maintained that health physically, mentally and spiritually. It is how I stayed sane and on my path to healing. I cried, I grieved, I had my moments…but my health is one of the major ingredients that got me through it. I am now in the best shape I have been in many years, and combined with all my spiritual work I am in a very good, happy place. It IS possible to come out of stress and trauma and be in a better place as a whole, but you have to make the choice to get there and that starts with your body, your mind and your spirit.