Have You Made Your List?

Dating after divorce can be daunting, but if you have done the healing work and are ready to jump in, don’t be discouraged. The most important thing is that you are able to attract the kind of people you want to be around, and the best way to do this is to be prepared.

How do you know that you are ready for dating? The answer to that question is that you will just know. I understand that this sounds a bit far-fetched, but once you start feeling really good about your healing you will feel a lightening within your body, mind and spirit. You also might start thinking of dating at this time.

When you are coming to the part in your healing journey where you are starting to feel it might be nice to date, it is time to make your list. This is a list of qualities/attributes you need and would like to see in a future potential partner.

There are 2 things that are important in making this list: 1. Realize that the list will morph as you move forward in your dating journey – you may remove or add things you experience meeting people and spending time with them. 2. There are no rules for this list, other than for you to realize that no one is perfect and no one will fulfill all the qualities on your list.

The idea in making a list is to provide some accountability for yourself. It is easy to meet someone who has a red flag that might be a quality or situation that does not serve the new and improved version of you…but say you feel a strong attraction to that person and move forward with seeing them (or seeing them again). The list is there to hold you accountable – only you know what you DESERVE, what you need, and what will compliment the new person you have become. Most importantly, once you have done the healing work you will value your self-worth – part of the reason for making the list is to remind you of this, so you can put YOU first.

The next word of caution is to be strong about the things on your list for which you will not compromise, as doing so would go against all the hard work you accomplished to heal. For example, if you meet someone who doesn’t treat you the way you know you should be treated, don’t even waste your time. If it sets off a red flag in your mind, trust that…no matter how attractive a person may be.

Also, one of the qualities on everyone’s list should be that the person is “available.” This means they too have done any needed work and are ready for a committed relationship when the time is right or the right person comes along. If someone tells you right off the bat that they are “not ready” for a serious relationship, even if you are just starting to date and want one at some point when the time/person is right, you may want to think twice about dating that person. Unavailability means they have unresolved issues and some healing work to do. The same goes for those who say they are in the process of breaking up with someone…this does not serve you nor all the hard work you put in to get to where you are. It is a self-worth nightmare.

The other great thing about a dating list is that once you do find a great partner down the road (if that’s what you choose), you can look back at your list and see if you followed through and found someone with the important qualities you wrote down. Sometimes we find people with qualities we did not even consider nor know we needed in a partner. Regardless, it is always interesting to look back at the list.

No matter what is on your list, the reason for the exercise is to tell your brain that you expect to date people who value you, respect you, and are truly interested in you. Why? Because if you haven’t figured it out by now, YOU ARE DESERVING OF HAPPINESS! 🦋

Using Music to Heal from Divorce

Music is good for the soul, and it plays a big role in most of our lives. It enables us to be brought back to a time in the past, bring ourselves out of a bad mood, or create a number of feelings within. What you may not realize is that music can actually have a detrimental affect on your divorce healing process.

For many of us, our intuition tells us to turn on the music when we need a pick-me-up, and that is a fantastic thing to do…BUT certain kinds of music can actually bring us down instead of providing the energy boost we needed. The interesting part is that many people have no idea this is happening and could not tell you why they feel worse after listening to music – whether it is immediately or some time later.

According to studies, music stimulates areas of the brain that are linked to reasoning, memory and emotion. It is used in many forms of therapy for patients recovering from illnesses, memory loss, and within the psychological realm. Music has an amazing capacity to heal…but when it comes to divorce healing there is a caveat.

As many songs are about relationships, lost love and break-ups, listening to them can subconsciously cause us to feel down. If we are feeling sad, lonely, fearful, or experiencing other negative emotions related to divorce, listening to music about feeling down does not seem to be a logical solution to help improve mood! We need to stimulate the feel-good hormones and the areas of the brain that will improve mood and emotional capacity.

One great way to do this is to sensor your music temporarily. You can create your own playlist of feel-good songs or you can switch to spiritual music – there are many phenomenally talented spiritual artists out there – Trevor Hall and Satsang helped me get through healing in a big way. Their feel-good sounds and messages allowed me to get lost in the music, dance, and feel better overall. I completely switched over to this type of music for an entire year, but you do you – you are the only one who knows how you feel.

I advise trying this for a short time – perhaps 2 weeks. Notice how you feel and whether your moods seem to improve, and write about it in a journal. It is fascinating to notice this once you are aware. Let me know what you discover! 🦋

The Challenges of “Grey Divorces”

We all know that divorce is challenging for many reasons. But what about for those going through “grey divorce,” otherwise known as midlife divorces, or those that occur after 50? Grey divorce has skyrocketed in the U.S. since the 2020 pandemic, with the most significant increase (tripled!) in divorce rates occurring in the 65+ range over a 30 year period.

It is interesting to note that studies found these higher rates are likely a result of the evolution in societal tolerance of divorce (which in my opinion still has a long way to go), and also on the growing financial and independent status of women (also a long way to go – but that’s a story for a different type of blog).

With these high numbers of older divorcees out there in the world also come different hurdles – let’s take a look at some of them.

1. Financial Independence/Job Market Challenges. Grey divorces can take a toll on finances, and mostly for women who gave up careers to raise families. Many of those women never went back into the workforce, or may have done so part-time or not in the capacity of the former career they may have had. The ability to support oneself can be a stressor when going through divorce, especially if getting back out into the job market and honing skills is involved. But there is a lot of help out there in this arena today, so my advice is to stop being afraid and figure out what you love to do, then find a way to make it happen. Meet with a financial planner first and create a plan so you know what your situation looks like and you are able to sustain while job hunting or going back to school, etc.

2. Being Alone Midlife. This is a very real fear for many grey divorcees, as aging brings fear about health and future challenges. Coming out of a long marriage and being alone makes some people scared – what if they need surgery, become ill? Who will help and take care of them in such situations?

It is important to establish a plan with those in your support network so in case there is an issue you have help. Don’t let the fear keep you from enjoying being alone though, as doing so is a huge part of healing. When you divorce at any age, but specifically as you get older because the dating pool shrinks, it is important to accept that being alone is a possibility – this is part of the healing work.

3. Dating has Evolved! One of the biggest challenges for grey divorcees is, of course, dating 2.0! The last time most grey divorcees dated, there likely were no dating apps or an internet, and these can be overwhelming to anyone, let alone those who are not familiar with what is now the status quo of dating.

The first thing to realize when it comes to dating post-divorce – at any age – is that NO ONE should date so until they have done the healing work. That is because when we heal we become a different version of ourselves. The “me” you were when you were married or first divorced is a completely different version of the “me” you become once you have done the work to heal. When you go into the dating world as the new version of you, you will attract completely different people than you would have as the old version of yourself. Those who want to be with the new you are the ones with whom you have the chance of successful partnership.

Another note on learning to be alone: It is important to learn how to be alone so you can heal properly, before dating. Enjoying alone time will help you heal quicker and better. Personally, when I was going through my healing process I had to accept the possibility of being alone for the rest of my life – this means that I truly love myself, value my self-worth, and know I am the only one in control of my own happiness…it can take time to get to this point but it will position you to attract an amazing partner who will complement and respect the new you – if that is what you desire.

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Life after grey divorce has many of the same challenges others face earlier in life, but also some that are tailored to those who are mature and wiser. Take time to heal and take time to PLAN...this is the best way to make the most of your new life so you can find your bliss. 🦋

Your Biggest Superpower

The divorce healing journey is a great endeavor, and it is not easy. There will be many times in the process that you feel down, hurt, angry, frustrated or even incapacitated. You will spiral down into a victim state – likely many times – before you start feeling noticeably better, however small that feeling may seem. BUT did you know that the biggest superpower you have is actually the one you are most afraid of?

FEAR is by far the most difficult emotion and state of mind to conquer, yet it is also our most significant superpower. A friend with ADHD once told me that the disease was HIS superpower. It presented him with so many challenges in his life, yet today he is one of the most respected and successful businessmen in his field. He took the fear associated with that diagnosis and turned it around to become his fuel…and you can do that too if you are starting the healing journey from divorce.

Here is the most important thing to remember when learning how to conquer fear so you can move forward: you NEED to feel fear so it can push you – it is your test. If you are truly ready to make your life blissful this is a major lesson. Let’s look at how to start this process of moving past the fear.

1. Acknowledge the Fear. The first step in kicking fear in the butt is to recognize that you are afraid. Say it out loud, embrace it – it is not something to feel badly or shameful about. Every person who has accomplished something great, something bigger than them, has had at least some fear or challenge that seemed unsurmountable. Check out the stories of some of the greatest business minds and you will see this is the truth.

2. Embrace the Fear. You are human, and filled with emotion. Realize that the fear is actually your friend. Not only that, but it is sign for you to acknowledge so you can heal. Embracing it means that we are not simply going to ignore it or let it go right away – the fear may always be there, or can be replaced with another type of fear down the road. This is OK! Accept it and send love to the fear (ok that may sound cheesy, but I am serious – that fear is part of who you are).

3. Write it Out. Jot down (preferably in a journal) why your fear has a grip on you and what exactly you are afraid of. Often with divorce many people are afraid of being alone, parenting without a live-in partner, being financially responsible for yourself without help, and starting a completely new life without a partner. Write down all of your fears surrounding divorce and healing. Include how the fear manifests – does it make you sick? Anti-social? Unable to get out of bed? These are all normal affects of fear and you can control them.

4. Change Self Talk. The things we tell ourselves, whether out loud or in our heads, are what we will experience – I promise this is true. Tell yourself you “can’t,” and your brain thinks that is how you want it, so you won’t. Tell yourself you CAN on the other hand, and your brain wants to give you that. This is not made-up, and there are scientific studies that show that how we perceive ourselves and our capabilities will bring more of the same. Start with using affirmations to tell yourself what you want and how capable you ARE. Catch yourself when you think or say the opposite, take a breath, and change the thought…it won’t happen overnight but keep it up and you will see a difference.

5. Take Action. If you envision a happy new life post-divorce, start taking baby steps to make it happen, one at a time. If you want to seek a new job, start creating an amazing resume, take a class or get a degree or certificate, volunteer in the field somehow so you can learn more. Along with your actions keep up the beliefs and affirmations until you see a result.

6. Celebrate the Results. When you see something shifting within as a result of your work conquering your fears, CELEBRATE it, however small! Be proud that you actually made a difference – no matter how far you feel you need to go the focus should be on the NOW, the difference you have made. Keep at it and find even more ways to push forward until you accomplish your goal.

7. Patience is Your Best Friend. Healing is not a slow process, and since fear is often a big part of healing, you need to accept that it will take time…but time is your friend in this journey. Many people want to heal fast, but that would bypass all the learning lessons and self-discovery. You need to enjoy the process because that is how you will be able to look back one day on where you started and feel immense gratitude.

8. Express Gratitude for your Fear. Remember that fear is there to help you, and once you realize this you will be able to conquer it. Always be grateful for the fear, because there are two choices in the face of fear: fight or flight. Those who choose to fight will succeed as long as they don’t give up.

Divorce can create so much fear within us, but conquering the fear is a superpower – a choice you have to become the best version or yourself in order to lead a beautiful life – so take control of fear and you will be empowered. Happy healing! 🦋

The Best Divorce Healing Tool You Can Buy

If you are a regular reader of my blog, listen to or watch my podcasts, or follow me on social media, you know that I share many tools to help with divorce healing. Many of them are equally important and work in conjunction with each other. But I was recently asked what the best tangible tool was to promote healing, so I thought I would share.

Drum roll….the number one tangible tool to help with healing from divorce is a JOURNAL. You may not understand how, so let me enlighten you. When we are going through a trauma like divorce, knowing that we have to heal but feeling so many emotions, many of them negative, and for most people a LOT of fear, we need a quick outlet.

Journaling does 2 important things: first, it allows us to put our emotions down on paper so we can get them out – even though you may not realize it, it is cathartic to do this because it is akin to a release. During my healing process I would write down what I was feeling in the moment and tell myself that when I closed the journal I was releasing those emotions – I visualized them being locked in the journal and it made me feel just a tad lighter…a feeling that grew stronger as I did this daily.

Next, journaling is a record of what you are going through. When you get to the point where you have done a great deal of healing and feel like a new person, you can look back and see how far you have come, which provides a huge boost of confidence. This makes you feel incredible because it is proof of the work you have put into yourself.

Both of these benefits make journaling a necessity when going through the divorce healing process. Sometimes clients tell me they don’t know how to get started with journaling, so here is a great tip for your first entry: write down at least 10 things at which you are good/talented. It doesn’t matter how trivial they are – if you are a good cook, runner, organizer, speaker…write those down. If you can paint, sew, sing or fix a car, add those too.

The benefits to your “good at” list are thrice: first, it will make you feel a little better about yourself, and a boost of self-esteem when going through divorce is always a plus. This is a great start to the healing process – recognizing what you do well.

Second, writing down these positive characteristics or talents starts to change your mindset from negative to positive. The more you realize how much you have to offer, and how unique and incredible you are as a human being, the easier the healing process will be.

Third, these positive traits/talents may end up having a big impact on choices you make as you design your new life post-divorce…they did for me and the proof is that I am here writing this blog, hosting a podcast, coaching people on how to heal, and I wrote a book!

I hope this blog entry inspires you to get started journaling, so you can be on your way to feeling better and healing from divorce…because you CAN be happy and you DESERVE to be. Don’t forget that – ever. Once you embrace this mindset (which comes from doing the healing work), you WILL find your bliss. 🦋

Dodging a Bullet

Dating after divorce can be a challenge. I was thinking the other day about a man I met when I first started dating. I knew the type of men I wanted to date, and because I had done so much work I would not compromise the desires, beliefs or expectations I held for myself. Equally important, I was enjoying the process and was not out to “find a husband” (which is the wrong mindset to have when dating). But of course I was tested when I met a particular man. I am proud of how I ended up handling it, and of the fact that I did not fall victim to attraction, because “we” could never have worked.

I was dating a few wonderful high quality men – each very different but they all had one thing in common: they, like me, had been through divorce and had done varying levels of work on themselves. They each had an idea of who they were as men, and most knew what they wanted in a partner. It was truly a special time for me because I had done so much work on me that I was attracting these men – without using any dating sites (I promised myself I never would go down that path).

Along came a beautiful specimen of a man – smart, clever, highly educated, successful and creative – never had been married (a possible red flag), but had long-term relationships. The part that could have thrown most women for a loop was the attraction we had – on a scale of 1-10 the scale would have broken. If you’re waiting for a “but…” here it comes! He was in a “declining relationship,” and told me it was over and that his partner was moving out shortly. HUGE. RED. FLAG.

So we met casually a few times for food/drinks and got to know each other a bit – I truly enjoyed our conversations and his intellect. We shared a lot in common and laughed a lot. I had no expectations at all and kept trying to clarify the girlfriend situation. I was also trying to discover how in tune he was with himself.

There came a point when I realized that he was never going to leave his partner. More importantly, the fact that he was unhappy but could not end it, despite what was coming out of his mouth, was the nail in the coffin. To stick around would have been to compromise all my healing, all the self-discovery and the place to which I had come: the love for myself and my self-worth. Furthermore, I would never get in the way of a relationship. I realized that he had a lot of work to do. So I walked away with my whole self intact.

We did have a nice conversation a few months later, in which I explained a few things from my perspective. I told him I felt we had met for a reason, and that maybe the reason was for me to offer my help so he could find himself and truly be happy (whatever that entailed). We never spoke again but I think about him occasionally and wish him well. I know he reaffirmed an important lesson: always be true to yourself, no matter what someone says, does, or promises. I am proud that I put myself first.

So many people are scared to be alone, and jump at opportunities to be with someone even though they know (or have a slight inclination) that person is not the right person for them. Part of doing the work is learning how to put yourself first. Attraction fades, but a true partner who worships, respects and loves you for who you are, and who has done the work on himself/herself, knows what is important to him/her and is capable of being in a mature adult relationship – that is the partner you deserve. We don’t go through the healing process, emerge as a butterfly and then get stepped on right after take off.

Trust yourself and ask yourself if the person you met can truly be someone who will compliment you, not require you to change to fit a mold, and who will be patient so you can get to know each other to see if she/he compliments you and your goals – not whether that person can be a spouse one day, but whether he or she is worthy of dating you.

I tell all my clients to make a list of qualities in a partner that are important, including deal-breakers; a person does not have to meet all your criteria in order to date that person, but it is good to know what you need and want. All relationships involve compromise, but if you go into it fully aware of your desires, beliefs and expectations, that is an amazing start. Most importantly, listen to your gut and any red flags you see/feel. That is the best resource and you should trust it.

Patience and trust in oneself will ultimately, when the timing is right, lead to the right partner. Enjoy the dating experience as you get to know different people – and have fun! Although you may have to dodge some bullets in your dating life, dating the right people is beyond worthwhile, because it will eventually (when you are ready) lead to a connection with a partner who can give you his/her heart. 🦋

Guided by Presence

I am a big believer that there are always signs from the universe that help guide us. I know that when I do not stay present – which can happen to all of us when we get busy, distracted or stuck in life – signs can be missed. So I try every day to really focus on being present, and I ask for guidance every day to accomplish this.

This morning I was awakened by seagulls flying by my home. Before I opened my eyes I expressed gratitude for this, because living close to the sea is so important to me. It keeps me grounded and revives me when my energy wanes. When I did open my eyes I saw slivers of pink light creeping through the shutters. I got out of bed and looked out to the most incredible display of light. The sunrise was lighting up the cumulus clouds with shades of pink, orange and yellow. The world was quiet and still slightly dark, and there was just ethereal light.

I stood and watched and it felt as if I was the only one who was experiencing this, like the sun was playing a movie for me. I felt to the core of my being that I was experiencing this beauty as a reminder that there always IS beauty…you just have to open your mind and your heart to it… and you have to be able to see and feel it.

This reminder message today was exactly what I needed. It jump-started my day and made me feel good. The fun part is that there are always messages like this, only many of us don’t see them as messages, nor do we always take the time to simply be present in the moment to enjoy them.

A new year, a new day, a new chapter…all of these are opportunities to make choices that will help you grow, feel love and seek joy in your life. Sometimes the task of making changes is daunting, but it’s ok to take baby steps. So tomorrow when you awaken, simply express your gratitude for the day, for the chance to start over. Life is not perfect…but if you have a good day that is the beginning of change for the better, and that good feeling will most likely direct you to make better choices.

When we grow emotionally and spiritually we expand our hearts and minds and let in more love and light. It’s a slow break from chains that bind us to the unhappiness, dissatisfaction, or victim mentality we can easily slide into. One chain link at a time is all you need to focus on. So start tomorrow when you rise: express your gratitude for what IS and make a promise to yourself to notice beauty and joy. When you do, pause for a moment and feel how it feels to witness that moment. Then take it with you in your heart as you go through the day. If you encounter a road block you can close your eyes and come back to the blissful moment before moving forward.

Let me know what transpires for you! 🦋

Beware the Negativity!

In both my own healing journey and when coaching others to heal from divorce, one of the biggest lessons I learned and teach is avoiding the wrath of negativity. Most of us want to do this, but unfortunately in this modern world it can sneak in there when we often fail to catch it, and that can set us back a few steps. No wonder it is often more challenging to heal than we expect!

But do not worry. I am going to share a few things to look out for that will keep you focused on positivity so that you CAN heal and create a beautiful new life for yourself.

1. Social Media. This is the worst culprit, and the one that can trick us into thinking we are helping our hearts to heal, when instead we can end up spiraling down a drain of victim consciousness. I can’t tell you how many people ask me why they are feeling sluggish and having a hard time staying positive, only to discover they are spending too much time on social media.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay off social media. If you can’t get yourself to do this you can create a private account and only follow positive people and those who support you. This does not have to be forever, only temporary until you start feeling happier and healed. I know it sounds scary, but give it a try. You will probably be surprised by how amazing you feel not missing it!

2. Groups/People. (Kind of a subcategory of social media, but can also apply to those that actually meet up). I cannot tell you how many times I see negativity in divorce support groups online. Please, please do not join one unless you have truly vetted the mission and know that there is no negative chatter allowed, no spouse bashing, no diatribes on how someone’s former spouse cheated/lied/hurt them, or how their narcissistic/imbalanced/ psychological tendencies led to a negative feeling or demise of the marriage: blah, blah, blah! All of the blame is enough to make anyone feel down just reading through the posts. Many people in these groups are victims and thrive off of support from other victims. Stay away!

Here is an example: one such group posted something recently asking what a man is called who jumps from woman to woman…you can imagine the plethora of negative responses. The anger and negativity in the comments revealed to me that the majority of responders are not healed! My response word was “unhealed.” I also then pointed out that people are so quick to judge and blame, and that doing so actually stymies healing (that comment was deleted – the creator of the page was on a roll from the negative responses). Don’t buy into this negativity – the former spouse is NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS OR UNHAPPINESS…that is only up to you, so wasting energy on him/her is futile.

Similarly, make sure you are hanging around the right people. You may think someone supports you but they truly might not. For more information, check out my podcast on Support Networks.

3. Mainstream news. Are you seeing a pattern here? Can you guess what sells news stories? Fear, doom, and gloom! People crave that junk. I check headlines on an app every morning, and I have anything breaking sent to me so I am aware of what’s going on in the world (because I think that’s important), but I do NOT watch the news. Again, try this for a few weeks while you are working on you and see how you feel – let me know!

4. Other TV/Apps. Same story here. When you are healing you need to be gentle to yourself – think warm baths, journaling, trying fun things and hanging out with those who truly support you (see my blog and podcast on support networks for the caveats in this arena). If you must watch something try app-based watching instead of main stream media (due to commercials that can be fear based and negative) – watch a funny movie or show on Netflix/Hulu/Starz or other app. In fact, funny entertainment is a must, as it has been proven that laughter helps in healing.

5. Music. When I was healing I turned off any music that was not good for my soul. If you notice, and you will if you are in a victim state or hurting, so many songs are about loss and heartache. While listening to these may (falsely) make you feel less “alone,” they are actually doing damage to your healing by infusing negativity into your psyche. There is a lot of amazing inspirational music out there, and there is always great music to be found in most genres with no words (guitar, jazz, inspirational, etc.). Music is a big part of my life, but I cut a lot out while healing and I still listen to my “new” music most of the time. I promise you can do this. Try it for a few weeks and notice how you feel.

These are some good suggestions to help you in the healing process. Keep in mind that anything you try is temporary – or not, if you choose to stick with a particular practice – you can do what you want as you are the chauffeur of your own journey. Make sure to pay attention to what you need: body, mind and spirit, and trust that you are being guided to do what is right for you. Healing can only work if you are happy and grateful. If you need guidance you can get my book here, or learn about coaching options here. Happy healing! 🦋

Why It’s Not Hard to Say “I’m Sorry”

I noticed a particularly interesting thing when I got divorced: every time someone asked if I was married or something about my husband, and I replied that I was divorced, the first thing out of most people’s mouths was “I’m sorry!” Now, don’t worry, I was not sorry and I replied to that effect, telling them that I was happier than ever, and to please not feel sorry for me.

Divorce has always been seen as a stigma in society – many cultures, religion and familial values portray it this way – and most of us have been taught consciously or subconsciously our entire lives that marriage is forever and that divorce is “wrong” or “bad,” or ideas to that effect. Despite the fact that a divorce happens every 36 seconds in this country, that half of all marriages end this way, and that we have come so far in establishing that it is ok to move on from a marriage in many cases, it is still looked at in a negative light, and especially for women.

Furthermore, there are no rules or coping skills taught for going through divorce – most people want to heal but have NO idea how to do it. In many families and societies it is still something that is not discussed much, and some families and cultures push the divorcee to find another spouse right away. No wonder healing from divorce can be tricky.

Most importantly, when it comes to divorce all of these societal/cultural/familial “rules” and reactions from others do the one thing that we must try to avoid when healing: bring us down! They create negative emotions and often time a lot of confusion within, and those do nothing for us when we are trying to heal, which is conversely all about positivity. In fact, many people get stuck there and simply cannot find their way out.

I learned right away to stand in my truth and let people know that there is no need to feel sorry for me. It is interesting how people react when you say this to them – some are very surprised, others simply smile and said they are happy you are in a good place. If you want to truly heal and create your new life, you too need to speak up in this way. Let people know that while you appreciate their concern, it is not needed because you are on your way to creating a beautiful new life. Instead of feeling sorry they can send you blessings.

The more negativity we surround ourselves with, and the more we let in, the lower the chance we will be able to heal. So start by noticing what others may say to you about your divorce and how it makes you feel. If in any way these things make you feel negative, learn to express yourself so the person understands that you are healing and want to be happy.

We become so empowered when we express our positive intentions and excitement for what is to come. Don’t ever walk away from a comment that leaves you feeling down; instead, stand in and speak your truth. Once people understand that leaving your marriage was a positive choice for you, hopefully this idea will spread and in time society will not attach so much stigma to divorce. 🦋

Holiday Time = Healing Time

I always get inquiries about healing over the holidays, and whether it can be done. My answer is a definite YES; in fact, the holidays can be an amazing time to work on healing because of the extra time many of us have on our plates.

Holidays are usually THE most difficult time for many people post-divorce. This is especially true due to the former spouse’s family; even if you do stay in touch with them holidays can be tricky. The same goes for mutual friends or couple friends that you and your former spouse shared.

The first thing to do is to acknowledge that the holidays are challenging – explore how that makes you feel and realize that it simply is. Write down your feelings in a journal. Then it’s time to get to work!

There are 3 things to strive for during the holidays that will jumpstart your healing process and make you feel better so you can start the New Year as the new you:

1. Learn to relish being alone. Being alone is one of the most difficult things most people going through divorce will face. Unfortunately it can lead to doing the wrong things, which will only prolong the healing period. One example is jumping into a relationship prior to healing (check out my podcast – The Divorce to Bliss Podcast – to learn more).

Despite fear of being alone you can train yourself to really enjoy it. Make an appointment with yourself every day – put it in your calendar. It can be for 30 minutes or more, depending on your availability. But make it a priority, and don’t tell yourself you don’t have time – we all do, no matter how busy we are. What we give attention to is a choice, and if you want to heal you’ll make time.

Take a bubble bath with candles and music, dance, go on a nature walk, make yourself an amazing meal and set the table beautifully for one. Go to a beautiful place (beach, lake, park) and write in your journal about what you envision your new life to look like. Meditate. Take a yoga class. Read a book. Take yourself shopping and buy something that the new you will enjoy – especially something that makes you feel good or sexy. Have fun with this, but commit the time. You will notice after about a week or two you will look forward to this alone time, so keep it up.

2. Spend time with others. Yes, you need to definitely do this too, especially during the holidays. It is imperative to surround yourself with friends and family – those who truly care for you. Keep in mind that if any of them try to tell you what they think you should/shouldn’t do, that’s a red flag to your healing (explore my Podcast on Letting Go). Try to make the time you have with others light and fun, not heavy where you sit around and talk about only the difficulties. Sharing feelings is great and helpful, but also strive to have fun.

Spending time with others includes your children, if you are a parent. Make that time as fun and creative as possible; there are many ways to do this depending on their ages. Remember that you need to be with your children and also with adult friends/family. Luckily the holidays often provide extra time off so this is possible. If not, you will have to get creative, but don’t not do it.

3. Take care of yourself. This is a big order, but it is one of the most necessary things to do when healing. Taking care of the self means care for the body, mind and spirit. This includes eating healthy, exercising and nurturing the soul or spirit. A walk or run out in nature covers all 3, and produces endorphins to keep you feeling good. Avoiding sugar, alcohol and unhealthy fats fuels the body and makes it easier to get out and burn calories…yes I know you want to eat all the holiday goodies, but you will feel SO much better if you avoid them. You can let yourself occasionally splurge in moderation when you are celebrating, but pay attention to how eating unhealthy foods make you feel.

If you are not thrilled with the idea of exercise, first you need to realize that it is a necessity when healing to move the body and you don’t have to go to a gym or class to do it. Exercise allows all the stuck energy to leave and frees the spirit and mind so that you can work through the healing and create the new life you desire. It is important to alter the mindset to view it as a lifestyle choice (positive) and not something you have to do (negative). For more tips on this please see or listen to The Divorce to Bliss Podcast – check your favorite search engine for where to do so.

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The holidays will never be “easy” for one going through or coming out of divorce, but by committing to healing you can make it your time to start or continue along with your personal journey. You can do it, and I support you!