How Blame Stunts Healing

Blame is a monster – it not only stirs negative emotions and thoughts within our own minds and bodies and keeps us from taking responsibility for our actions, but also prevents healing. Divorce is hard enough, and most of us want to heal from it…but if you are skirting responsibility by utilizing the blame crutch, I assure you that healing is NOT going to happen – at least not fully. Surprisingly, many people do not realize this although it is so important to learn and practice.

Divorce is one of those actions that leads to a LOT of blame – I hear it every day, even passing strangers on walks and in stores…people blaming the former spouse for all kinds of things – from being a narcissist to being cruel, to not helping with the children or not acting like an adult. It is just what it is. Divorce is a negative action in society, and thus people tend to feel a lot of negativity surrounding it, which causes anger, frustration, sadness, shame, and a big dollop of fear (to name a few).

We can learn how to overcome these feelings by turning inward. I know this sounds like hippie talk to some, but let me explain in a way that makes sense.

I recently heard something that literally made the light bulb in my head come on as brightly as possible – and I wanted to share it because it is an excellent way to encapsulate what happens to you when you blame others. It goes like this: *** when you blame others for what is happening in YOUR life, when you believe they are the cause of your _________ (insert word(s) here), you transfer the responsibility for your happiness to that other person, and you continue to get more upset/hurt/angry/frustrated, etc. ***

Now, in a way you might feel better temporarily once you put the blame on that former spouse, as it takes the responsibility off of yourself, BUT it will catch up with you because…

Making someone else the culprit for your life not going the way you want it to go means they must change in order for you to feel better!

READ THAT SENTENCE AGAIN. Do you see the flawed logic? You may NEVER heal or be happy at this rate! This explanation makes it so simple to see that you are the ONLY one in control of your own happiness, of the direction your life takes, of whether you heal or not. Giving that power away to another keeps you stuck in quicksand, and after going through divorce I KNOW that is not where you want to be.

So it is time to take the training wheels off and be a grown up, time to grab the responsibility reins and change your own life. The former spouse is no longer important in terms of your life direction. If you still deal with him/her because of child custody issues, then you will need to see that as a business relationship and stick to a very strict regimen – but that is the subject of another blog (check out this podcast).

As you start to accept this truth you will start to take action in the directions you want to see your life evolve. If you are having a difficult time learning how to get started or what to do next in your healing journey, check out my coaching programs. I would love to help you find the bliss that I live every day. 🦋

Embracing Life’s Ups and Downs: How to Stay Positive in Adversity

Last week my mom had surgery. As I sat waiting I thought about how life flows in a series of ups and downs. We have moments of light and moments of darkness. We can gravitate between happiness and helplessness, and all feelings in between. When we are in the negative situations we sometimes feel that we are being victimized or singled out for tragedy and gloom – and this is human nature. We need to feel the feelings that come with those challenges.

In order to put the human emotional state into perspective it is important to remember a few things:

1. The fluctuation in reality is part of life and is completely normal. While it is hard to keep this fact in perspective when we are in the victim state, it is important to remind ourselves of it, because it lets our brain know that the state is temporary (like everything in life). When we tell ourselves that we are in a temporary state and that it will end soon, we calm ourselves down. Of course, these are times to utilize other helpful techniques like breathwork and meditation, which also calm down our systems.

2. You will get back to a better state. Also keep this in mind as it tells your brain that you will move forward. This gives you energy to keep pushing yourself to stay positive. Remind yourself of this constantly.

3. Appreciate the difficult times. I know this may sound crazy, but by being grateful for the challenges you will actually have an easier time moving through them, which or course will enable you to return to the good times. It is incredible how far you can go when you program your mind in positive ways, when you strive to immerse yourself in the right perspective.

While my mom faces some challenges I am choosing to picture her healthy and full of life. I visualize her doing the things she enjoys, smiling and laughing. While I know she faces an unknown road ahead, my mind is focused on a positive outcome. If everyone who loves her thinks this way I believe it will help her feel better emotionally, and when we feel better in that way it can have an impact on our physical state and on healing…so I choose positivity and love.

When I went through divorce there were so many things I had to do at the very start to move forward toward my new life, including packing up and selling the family home of 21 years. It was challenging and physically taxing, but I saw the work as steps toward my future. I chose to take pleasure in all the things I had to accomplish, because completion led to the next chapter, and that is how I got through it.

The bottom line is that you are the creator of your life – but it will not always go according to your desires. Things happen that are beyond our control, so accept that you cannot and never will be able to control everything. This frees the mind to stay more focused on the big picture instead of being stuck in each negative state.

Everything we experience is temporary, so look for the lesson when life veers off path, and focus on that. It will help you to move forward. 🦋

Parenting Adult Children After Divorce

Parenting after divorce can be challenging for many, because suddenly the parents are not one unit, but instead 2 separate individuals trying to act for the benefit of the children (granted, they do have to still act as a unit, but I digress). But what about grey divorces, where the children are adults – how do parenting skills come into play in such situations, and what if one parent doesn’t keep the adult children’s best interests at heart?

Most people think that if kids are grown up and have become their own adults, there should not be a parenting issue when it comes to divorce. To the contrary, those who have been there know that there is still a fear that the divorce will hurt the children, or sour them when it comes to love relationships. So in essence many grey divorce parents feel they still need to do right by their children to make them feel loved and part of a family unit after a divorce. The difference is that in this older phase of life where one is not tied to custody agreements, sometimes parents can interject a lot of their own angst onto their children.

Personally, both my kids told me they were “fine” with the divorce (my son had told me to get divorced for years), but I still believe that when the actual split occurred it must have been hard for them. I remember a post my daughter made a few years before the divorce, where she was hanging from a tree in front of the family home. She mentioned that she had lived in the house all her life and her family was still together. I thought of that post when my marriage ended, and it made me feel sad for her.

My kids will be the first to tell you that I don’t like the word “fine” as an answer to any question, unless one is describing a work of art, ripely aged wine or cheese, or a porcelain object. It often means the opposite of being “not bad.” I have always discouraged it as an answer to “how are you?” Though I have always felt that the divorce must have hurt them in some way, I know they were old enough to understand that the marriage wasn’t working any more, that we had grown so far apart and despite valid attempts to right it, it could not be so. Still, every now and again I feel sad that their parents divorced (please understand that I do not feel sad that I divorced, only that they became another statistic). Luckily they are both thriving.

What I make a very conscious effort to not do is speak poorly of their father or blame him for the demise of the marriage (of course a marital demise is the result of both parties, no matter the circumstances – barring abuse). My hope always has been that he and I can join together to celebrate our children’s milestones, like marriages, accomplishments, and babies. As parents we should also be able to talk about the children when one of them is going through difficulties and needs our help making a plan to forge ahead. We agreed to that when we split up. To me that is what parents do, whether they are married or divorced – they support their children no matter what. They put their egos aside and stand by their kids even if seeing the other spouse may be painful. They act strong in the face of challenges to set an example, because we are always the teachers of our children, no matter their age.

For those who have been through grey divorce and have adult children, please take some time to think about how you can best support them after the marriage ends. Be respectful to your former spouse, don’t pull a child into the middle of your negative feelings, and be respectful of your children – the other parent is also their parent! They can love both parents, but if you act like a jerk they may one day decide you are not worth being around…and THAT will hurt a lot.

I know that I always want my children in my life, and I always want them to know how much I love them – these are my CHOICES. I live by this desire and know that my children will be stronger because of it – because it is not about me, it is about them…and that’s what a parent does. 🦋

Cry Baby, Cry!

When people go through divorce there tends to be a LOT of negativity and fear, and there are 3 typical reactions to these feelings: one is to fall apart completely and slip into a negative state for a while – or indefinitely fall into a victim state. If there is no release for your feelings it can be difficult or even impossible to begin or continue a healing journey.

The second reaction is to hold it all inside and keep the emotions bottled up. Sure, you might talk to a friend about your feelings, but the floodgates never truly open. Men are notorious for falling into this category, as previous generations of men have been taught to hold it all in and not show emotion (although that is changing and there are a lot of men who are perfectly able to express emotions). In fact, I see so many men go right from the family home when they first split, into a mad dating spree so fast there is barely time to blink. If you are a regular reader, have read my book, watch/listen to my podcast or have seen me on TV or elsewhere, you KNOW how I feel about this behavior. One MUST heal before dating, hands down.

The third way people react to the whirlwind of emotions that engulf us when we get divorced is the best way, although many people do not let themselves go there: it is to treat ourselves with gentle, loving care and let it all out through our tears and other forms of expression. Crying releases feelings of grief over the loss of a marriage, and can enable us to let go and to forgive. It usually brings a lot of clarity.

If you are like me, I did a lot of crying in the beginning, after the initial split when my former spouse moved out and I had to pack up the house and get it ready for sale. I chose to see my tears as an opening of the gates in which I was releasing all the gunk that had built up inside, the hurt and fear. My heart had hardened after so much time feeling unseen and unappreciated, nor getting what I needed to thrive. Much of that was my own fault for not diving deep into my unhappiness sooner, but no matter – I finally let it all out. I imagined that the tears washed it all away and left me with a clean slate – tabula resa – and I was free to do what I wanted with my life. “Purge and cleanse” was my mantra.

There is scientific evidence that crying releases endorphins, our “feel-good” hormones. This usually manifests in feeling calm after crying. Tears also can remove stress hormones and toxins from our blood, release tension within the body, help with digestion, induce the body to rest, and keep us emotionally balanced. So despite puffy eyes and a runny nose, there are many benefits to a good cry.

On the flip side, another thing to consider is that holding in emotions can create stress, which can lead to anxiety, depression, elevated blood pressure and heart rate, headaches, stomachaches and digestive problems, lethargy, exhaustion, lack of energy, and many other negative feelings that can wreak havoc on us physically and mentally.

The moral of this post is that it is beneficial to let out the emotions you experience as you go through divorce, or any trauma or time of difficulty. Remember to journal about your feelings before and after you have a cry, and notice what feels different, if anything. 🦋

The Next Love Relationship: No Comparison

I remember when I was merely contemplating my unhappiness within my marriage, and starting to think about scratching the surface to look deep inside in order to find some answers. It was a difficult time and I had no idea how things would go or how to get started, so I was spending a lot of time meditating, walking and journaling – this was the beginning of my healing journey even though I was still married.

Around this time I spoke with the wife of a former business colleague. I had run into him and heard they divorced, and I reached out to her. She said something to me at that time that I always remembered: she told me that the love one finds with another after divorce and healing is the most precious love possible. She was so happy and grounded, and I was happy for her.

I forgot about the conversation until I was years out of divorce and healing, and had started dating. As I’ve mentioned in other posts I was not looking for a relationship when I started dating – and I think this is a NECESSARY mindset for dating post-divorce; it is only possible once you have done the healing work. I wanted to experience meeting different men and connecting with them. I knew exactly the qualities I would not compromise in a partner, but I was not yet ready for that and had no expectations of the men I met.

The clarity I had in being in this position was powerful – I was so proud of myself for all the difficult healing work I had accomplished, and especially for having learned who I am, what I needed and wanted in my new life and in a future partnership, when the timing was right. I knew that the timing would be right when it WAS, so I lived in the moment and had fun.

At some point down the road the right time unexpectedly came, and the connection I had with him was unlike any other in my lifetime. I remembered what the woman told me years before on the phone about the love relationship after divorce and healing being remarkably different than any other…and she was right. My partner literally checks all the boxes on my list – which is mind-blowing. Have you made a list yet? Check out this blog for more information.

The reason I had been able to connect with this man (I never used online dating) was because we had both done a lot of healing work, we both knew what we wanted in a partner, and although neither of us was “on the hunt” for one (those who are never find one, or never find the “right” one), our energies attracted us to each other. The love we share is beautiful – we stay present, appreciative, communicative, and we laugh a lot.

If you are going through divorce or are divorced and need to start healing but don’t know how, please check out my healing programs here. It really makes a difference to have someone help you make a plan and hold you accountable so you can heal. You will be amazed at how things will start to fall into place for you once you do. The work is worth it, and all the riches that come will enable you to live as the best and highest version of you. 🦋

What’s Your Feel-Good Place?

Today I took a long walk on the beach with my dog, as I often do on Sunday mornings. The beach is “my place” – it truly makes me feel good. I don’t go as often as I’d like, but when I do it’s like pushing a reset button. I feel so wonderful for the remainder of the day. It’s the sound of the waves crashing, the color of the ocean – which always changes, the smells of salt water and seaweed, and the cries of the gulls – the connection with nature. There is such magic there for me every time, and even if I don’t make it as often as I’d like to walk the sand, I see it every day (because I live close) and walk trails that have views of the ocean, and it makes me feel happy.

I realized during my journey through divorce healing that I needed to find these calming places even more. I started walking and hiking with my dog every day – I would do 5-6 miles daily (split into early morning and late afternoon), and nature became a necessity – like my black tea in the morning. I craved her presence and silence and beauty, and she in turn helped me heal and find presence within her beauty.

If you are journeying from divorce to find your bliss, it is imperative to find those places that make you feel good – and find a way to visit them as often as possible. It could be a majestic tree in your neighborhood, a lake or trail, or a place you can simply sit and look at a view that inspires you. When we are entangled in sorting out a mass of emotions and trying to learn who we are outside of partnership, these experiences not only calm us and bring joy, but they also bring strength — the knowing that we CAN – because they enable us to be present and quiet.

Here are some guidelines once you find your place to help you heal and reap the true benefits:

1. Turn off all electronics and avoid distractions (like bringing coffee, food, friends, or going somewhere that is loud or full of people, etc.)

2. Sit quietly and use all your senses – smell the air, notice all the colors and how the light plays in your space, listen to the sounds (even if it is silent – especially if this is the case!), and simply breathe.

3. After your experience make sure to journal about it – how you felt, what you experienced.

4. Visit this space at least once a week, more if possible. Notice how you feel after a few weeks.

I’d love to hear about the place where you feel good when you visit, and your own experience healing and visiting this place(s). It’s so good to talk about it, because you may not have even recognized how you feel when you go there, and doing so will help you heal. 🦋

Change Your Routine to Heal

I’ve spoken with people who have a hard time getting out of the daily rut so they can incorporate healing modalities into their daily routines. Many of us get into these patterns of daily behaviors that can become mundane and almost hypnotic – we do what we need to do to get through the day – whether at work or home or within our role as parent or caretaker. It can sometimes feel like when we are driving and all of a sudden we get to our destination, but don’t remember the drive.

Healing is also made more challenging by the way we feel – many of us are sad, lost, frustrated or even experience negative emotions like anger. These feelings can dictate whether or not we will have good days or challenging ones, and how we feel in general.

This combination of routine and difficult feelings can make starting and sticking to a healing journey taxing. So how do we get past this? Here are some things you can try to break up the monotony and feel happier:

1. Change your morning routine. If you are used to getting up at a certain time each morning and going through the same routine to get ready for the day, try getting up half an hour earlier and meditating, stretching, or writing in a journal about how grateful you feel. You can try a different thing each day and see how you feel as you go about your day. I find that expressing gratitude and meditating in the morning upon waking sets a positive mood for my entire day.

2. Alter your commute experience. If you commute to work change things up during your drive. If you normally listen to music pick a completely different type of music, or listen to an inspiring podcast while you drive (try The Divorce to Bliss Podcast – wink). Stay away from listening to the news, as negative stories can actually bring you down and affect your mood…not a good start to the day.

3. Modify the lunch hour. If you usually eat at the same time/place or the same food each day, try instead to go outside and get some fresh air. You can bring an easy to eat lunch with you and find somewhere pretty to sit – even under a tree or in a park. The fresh air and nature will truly make you feel better.

4. Switch up the after-work routine. Whether you go straight home or pick up kids after work, try to incorporate small changes to your routine. Pick up the kids and stop by a park or get a healthy snack, or if you don’t have kids sign up for a class after work (art, exercise, or just a meet-up with friends). Even if you do this once a week the schedule change will be fun and get you out of the expected, so you are not simply arriving home and not remembering the drive. Plus, when we have something to look forward to all day we tend to be a bit happier.

Once you start incorporating small changes to your schedule, note how you feel and write it in your journal. If one or a few things feel good, keep them up. But also change them around after some time so you keep up the sense of experiencing differences in your routine, which defies expectation and gets you excited. At this point you can start working on an aspect of healing and setting time aside every day for it – such as every morning or every evening after dinner.

If you need help creating a healing plan please feel free to reach out to me. Sometimes there is so much work to address that it can seem overwhelming, so it is important to focus on baby steps and on one type of healing at a time. But starting with routine change is a great way to rev up your body, mind and spirit so you can do the work and grow into the new and best version of you. 🦋

How Dance Helped Me Heal from My Divorce

If you are a follower or have read my book, you likely know that I extoll the virtues of dance and movement when it comes to healing. If you have not tried it, what are you waiting for? You do not have to be a dancer or even coordinated to use dance as therapy, and the benefits are positively incredible, and can usually be felt pretty quickly.

We all have been touched by music at some point in our lives, and different songs bring back memories or cause us to feel happiness, pain, and many other emotions. Movement to music is organic and has been practiced by humans since the dawn of time – in religious or cultural ceremony, preparation for big events (from hunting/gathering to test preparation to healing). Dance is the body’s way of expressing and letting go of negativity or stagnant energy that is stored within, often things we may not even realize are holding us back from healing and progressing forward.

The best way to start using dance in healing is simply to turn on music and let your body move organically. Use music with a beat that calls to you – it can be rock, tribal music, or any other type of music. My one suggestion is NOT to use music that is negative or uses lyrics about relationship or lost love. You want positive music that makes not only your body, but also your spirit, feel good and want to move. You can close your eyes and feel the beat for a bit, then just let your body take over.

When dancing do not think about whether you are doing it “right” or “well,” because with dance there is no right way to move when it comes to healing – your body will guide you to move organically in ways that feel good. The way you move to the music one time may have nothing to do with the way you do the next…and that is perfect.

Dance helped me heal from divorce in a BIG way – it was such a physical and emotional release that after a session I would often start laughing from pure joy. I still incorporate it in my life often. There is pure joy in the movement and release…try it and let me know how it feels for you!

Why Your Former Spouse Blames You

When I divorced years ago I was already deeply enmeshed in my healing journey. I had started working on me slightly over a year before the actual separation, because I had been unhappy for years and had been ignoring it. I had some pretty big signs from the universe that it was time I stop beating around the bush and figure out why my life was not fulfilling and what I needed and wanted to make it so.

My former spouse and I spent a full year trying to work out our issues. We went to individual and couples counseling, and of course I continued with my own healing work. Anyway, the therapy did nothing for me personally, other than confirm my own conclusions. I was getting into MUCH deeper work than what the therapist provided, but still I made an effort because we had each promised to do so.

At some point months after the separation my former spouse started sending texts asking me to get back together, which started out nice, but with a slightly manipulative tone. Then the messages started to get angry and blaming. He was in a victim state. I wanted so badly to help him learn how to get out of there so he could be happy (I truly want that for him), but of course I cannot teach him that – read on.

Many people with whom I speak have similar issues, and some even get pulled down into that blame – and feel awful. First we need to understand that when someone in a victim state is putting the onus for their unhappiness on someone else, it clearly means the victim has not healed. Someone who is unhappy and does not know how, nor want to heal (or both) actually feels better, temporarily, if she or he can put the blame on another. Blaming means we do not take responsibility, and is a coping mechanism.

Here is one of the golden rules when it comes to being human: NO ONE is in control of how your life turns out BUT YOU. No one can “make” you happy or otherwise. It is the job of each individual to create his or her own happiness. Until this is realized, victims will remain victims and stay unhappy.

If you are a person who continues to blame someone else for the state of your unhappiness, you need to wake up and learn how to help yourself heal. Until you do this you will remain stuck in a well of negativity. I know this is true because I help people climb out of that well, and I see the results. Doing the work changed my own life – I met the true me, learned what I needed and wanted in my new life that I was creating, found an incredible amount of joy in EVERY SINGLE DAY (and continue to do so), and accomplished all the goals I had set for myself while I was going through my healing journey.

The moral of this post is to get out of your own way and start doing the work. If you are doing it and someone is trying to bring you down, you need to learn the tools to set boundaries, lay down the law (for yourself and the person trying to break you), let go and stop looking back – for starters. Doing these things requires a lot of inner work, and some of it is very hard and scary. Many people need help with formulating a healing plan, and that is more than ok.

Know this: when you get through that dark tunnel, when you come into the light and feel it shining on you, I promise that the journey will have been worth it. 🦋

You Have All You Need to Heal and Succeed

So many of my clients and people with whom I speak tell me they “can’t heal,” for various reasons they perceive to be true. Some feel they don’t have the energy to do so, others think they are not strong enough or possess so much fear that they literally remain glued to their circumstances and feelings.

The interesting thing is that once we start deconstructing the limiting beliefs in our own minds, it becomes possible for ANYONE to heal! Healing is a journey, and for many people it is hard to know where to start and what the next steps are once we have accomplished one small step. That is why it is so important to work with someone (like a healing coach) who can help you plan a route through healing and also be there when a pivot is needed, and to support and hold you accountable.

Here are a few ways to start the healing process with what you already have within.

1. Notice feelings, statements and thoughts. This is a great way to start the healing process, because all it requires you to do is to be aware. Once you start doing this it can feel overwhelming to see how much negativity is within…but keep at it. Every time you have a negative thought, feeling or make a negative statement: stop yourself, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Then replace the thought/feeling/statement with something positive.

For example, if you have a negative thought about your former spouse or make a mean statement about him/her: stop, close your eyes and take a deep breath, then replace it with a positive one (such as “he/she helped me bring 2 beautiful children into this world,” or “s/he supported me when I started a business,” or “we used to laugh a lot together”).

2. Stare fears down. If you are feeling fear about something, address it. Recognize if for what it is and realize that it is perfectly normal to be afraid of change and of the unknown. Don’t chastise yourself for being afraid, as it simply IS. But realize that as you heal your fears will dissipate and you will become more confident. Remind yourself that you ARE confident and worthy, and that you can move past the fears. As you journey though the healing process you will learn to let the fears go and no longer control you.

3. Change negative energy into positive energy. One of the most common reasons people trying to heal on their own get stuck is because of negative energy within. It is important to learn how to replace the negative energy with positive energy. A big reason we need to do this is not only because the negative energy will keep you stuck and unable to succeed at healing, but also because it can manifest itself within your body, such as through disease, pain and mental blocks. This can happen physically, emotionally and spiritually and keeps us from moving forward after divorce or any trauma.

In order to substitute the negative with positive energy, we need to really pay attention to the signs our bodies and minds provide. For example, if you have a pain within the body, start realizing when it appears, and if you get out of that situation does it go away? I realized this at the end of my marriage and it was one of the biggest epiphanies – my pain literally LEFT my body when I was away from the source of stress. Once you discover this, pay attention to it and evaluate it. As you realize the source of the pain/feeling you can learn to control it and start diving into the “why” and the fear surrounding it.

4. Keep record. I tell all my clients to write down their feelings and successes in a journal, however small they may seem. Each baby step means you are making your way through the healing journey, and every step should be celebrated. Writing them all down gives us a huge boost of confidence when we look back to see how far we have come. Once you are healed and living the new life you have created for yourself you will be so proud of yourself when you look back through the healing journey you have documented.

5. Stay active and move the body. Energy needs to be moved through us, and to get the negative energy out and invite positive energy IN, we need to move every day. Walk, dance, exercise, play sports…whatever feels good to your mind and body. Doing these things also releases endorphins, which make us feel better…and when we feel better we tend to be more positive – win win!

6. Eat healthy. This is also a MUST when healing. If your car had to be driven on a long trip you would fill it with gas, put air in the tires and make sure it had oil, right? Those things give you the highest chance in succeeding to get to your destination. Our bodies are similar, with the exception that we MUST use the best and cleanest nutrients in order to succeed. Stay away from sugar, fatty foods, fried foods, fast food, GMOs, alcohol, mind altering substances, and non-organic produce. Stop eating so much meat, and if you must eat it make sure it is sourced from a reputable farmer and does not contain antibiotics or other substances that can harm your body. If you need help, see a nutritionist.

7. Get help. Often the healing journey can be overwhelming, and it is hard to know which steps to take first and what steps one may even need to take. Furthermore, once you do start making headway, it is hard to know where to go next…AND holding oneself accountable can often be the demise of the healing journey. Find a healing coach who can tailor a specific program that fits your needs and helps you tackle your own challenges, so that you can heal and create a beautiful new life after divorce. 🦋