Building Confidence for Intimacy After Divorce

While it can always be scary to be intimate with a new partner, those who have gone through divorce tend to be more afraid than normal. After all, many came from being in marital relationships for many years, and in those instances there is a comfort level with intimacy (until there isn’t).

In speaking with so many people post-divorce I have learned that the fear of being intimate and getting naked with a new partner is BIG. In fact, it can create dating paralysis in the worst cases. Why is this fear so palpable?

There are many reasons why intimacy can be scary after divorce, comfort levels aside. Sometimes the divorcing couple didn’t have sex for a long time prior to divorce, so there is the question of whether things will “work.” If the person was married a long time and is dating for the first time – in this crazy new dating world to boot – they may feel intimidated. They may be shy with their bodies, which have changed over time since the last time they dated. They may have been shamed by the former spouse, or worse, abused.

No matter the reason or many reasons intimacy is feared after divorce, the good news is that there are ways to overcome the fear, to gain confidence in and acceptance of the body. Changed perspectives about your body will enable and empower you to go out there and embrace intimacy, rather than shun it. It is part of the healing journey, and this is why I strongly feel that it is important to do the self/soul work prior to dating after divorce.

For more details on intimacy post-divorce and how to get ready for it, please tune into my latest podcast series: Sex After Divorce, starting January 3, 2025, with a new episode dropping every Friday in January. These are information-packed episodes, with incredible guests who are top in their fields when it comes to getting ready for intimacy.

You can find The Divorce to Bliss Podcast on YouTube (click here), or on your favorite audio podcast channel. Please do me a favor and like, comment, subscribe and share! I am excited to hear your feedback on this empowering series. 🦋

4 Ways to Thrive During the Holidays After Divorce

It’s that time of year again – the holidays! For many people it is a difficult time, and that tends to be especially true when healing from divorce. A marriage split usually means families are split too, so you may not see anyone from your former spouse’s family – people you may have grown close to over the years of your marriage.

If you are distanced from your inherited marital family and you either have a small family or none yourself, they are located far away, or your don’t have the best relationship with them, this time of year can feel very lonely.

How do you use this time to actually improve your mood and thrive? Here are 4 tips:

1. Focus on YOU. Use the holiday time to take care of yourself. Find a new way to move your body and set a schedule. Walking is always great, and you can go on different ones each time and really explore areas you may not have seen. Getting out in nature on those walks is a huge added bonus for healing and feeling connected to yourself and the earth.

You can also try something you’ve been wanting to try – like Pilates, cycling or yoga. There are lots of good deals during the holidays to sign up for class packs at gyms and studios.

Make sure also to love on yourself with self-care: take baths, play inspiring music and dance, make plans with friends, read, journal, make some new healthy recipes, go outside, get a massage or facial, see a play (too pricey? Go to a high school play – they are usually fantastic), and laugh – a LOT. Taking care of you can be delicious.

2. Make plans with others. While focusing on YOU is great and also needed, don’t spend the majority of your time alone. As human beings we need the company of others in order to feel good – the social component is necessary for a healthy mental/emotional state. So whether you go for a night out with friends or make time for a walk with a neighbor, make sure to incorporate time with others into your holiday schedule.

3. Throw a party. Holiday time is usually beyond chaotic – shopping, cooking, decorating, parties…some people love this and others do not. Either way, you can still make the holidays fun even though they may be different. Invite a few friends over for a potluck, or do an appetizer or dessert and wine party, and have everyone bring a bottle of wine and you can get creative with appetizers or show off your baking skills (or if you don’t drink, like me, you can have a tea party or serve different cocoas or other non-alcoholic fun drinks – or have both).

Another fun adult party is to have everyone over for cookie baking. You supply several kinds of dough and ask each person to bring 1-2 creative additions, like frosting, chocolate chips, sprinkles or other toppings.

To make your party even more fun ask everyone to bring a wrapped gift (provide a spending limit) and find a gift exchange game – there are some great ones out there.

4. Give back. Take your stagnant energy and put it into giving back – to charitable organizations or to your community in some way. You can start by looking online for opportunities, or by calling your city or checking their website. Find a friend to take with you and bask in the amazing feeling of making another person’s life shine a little brighter.

Another way to give to others is to go through your closets and donate items you no longer need or use. You can even get others involved and do a combined drop off. I love to donate clothing and other items to help women in shelters get back on their feet – many of them have children too so you can drop off new items, diapers and toys. Check your local listings for locations and see what they need.

*****

No matter which things you choose to do, the idea is that you DO them – sitting around feeling sad is definitely not the way to heal! If you need more ideas feel free to message me. Have a very happy holiday season and know that you can get through it and thrive!

Friendship, Connection and Healing

I know one thing for sure – I could never have gotten through my divorce without my friends. There were a few in particular who were rocks – I could always find them on days when I needed extra encouragement or support. When you go through something challenging there is nothing like a true friend, and you define them when you see who really shows up for you.

I have always told my children how important it is to have friends, to be a member of a “tribe.” That rings true today more than ever, with the infusion of technology into our lives. There is less time spent talking to and being with others. No wonder the rates of mental illness in this country have skyrocketed in the last few decades. We need to get back to the most important thing that keeps each one of us afloat and joyful – connection.

When going through a trauma like divorce it is exponentially more difficult to do on one’s own. While it may feel right to hide away and keep to oneself, it is the connection with people that will actually get you to do things that will help with healing. Some examples of this are getting outside, moving the body, eating healthy, laughing, and finding things to do that are fun. These are all SO much easier to do with someone who loves us or shares our interests, and it is definitely harder to sit at home when others are calling you to join them.

Some people naturally may not have close friends, and some may have shared mutual connections with their former spouse with whom they no longer speak. If you are in this position I suggest joining a group – choose something you either love to do or have always wanted to try, like painting, hiking, learning a new language or sport. Find a group that meets to do the thing you choose, and GO. No online groups – you have to actually go and associate with people while you do this new or favorite thing, and you need to stick to it.

A few things happen once you do this:

1. You connect with others who have a similar interest. It’s not like going to a bar or party and finding things to talk about with strangers. You are each there because you have a similar interest – it is easy to connect with people when they both enjoy what they are doing.

    2. You build your support network. You can’t make many important changes until you are around others. Connecting helps you build or strengthen your support network, which makes you realize that although much healing work involves deep personal dives, we still need connection and human support.

    3. You get out of your comfort zone. Time to take off the sweat pants and stop binge watching Netflix every night…a change of scenery does wonders for healing.

    4. You will likely enjoy yourself. With all the heaviness divorce brings, it is important to lighten up and have fun. Laughter has been proven to lead to feeling better, and it actually stimulates the feel good hormones that we need when we are healing.

    5. You get closer to self-love and build self-worth. When you are around others and you are enjoying yourself, you realize that others actually like to be around you. This not only makes you feel better in many respects, but also brings you closer to falling in love with YOU, and to having higher self-worth.

    All of the above reasons do wonders for your healing journey, and when you feel that you are supported AND have fun being around others, the healing journey is not so lonely. Once you start feeling a bit less alone, you may want to consider asking new or old friends (or both) to book regular fun nights – dinner, movies, bowling, sports games or concerts, etc. Get it in the calendar and find fun things to do.

    Healing from divorce is often challenging, but doing things you like with those who care about you, or making new friends who share a common interest, will ease your process and bring you joy. This is important even if you enjoy being alone (as do I), so make sure to incorporate it into your life.

    How to Unstack

    The last few months have been challenging for me, with so much going on and some difficult things thrown into the mix. I was thinking that the last time I felt like this was when I was going through my divorce healing. The difference then was that most everything was within my control – this is one of the most important lessons I learned and it is what I teach.

    This time, however, many of the things that are going on are not within my control. The way I respond to them is of course within my control, but I do not choose to ignore them because people I love are involved.

    So…in order to get some control back and make sure I am taking care of me, I had to “unstack” myself. I just posted a podcast about this in case you want to check it out. But basically being “stacked” is a term I created for when we have too many things on our plates. If you throw healing into the mix it can get messy, and we can spiral backwards and even into a victim mentality.

    There are a few things to remember when we recognize we are stacked and want to get unstacked, so here are some of them:

    1. Keep the focus on positivity. As I always say, any healing or changes within start with mindset. No matter whether we are stressed at work, have a sick child, need to find a new job, or have too many responsibilities, we MUST seek the positive in every situation.

    For example, if you got laid off and need to find a new job and feel stressed about it, remind yourself that you have time to find a job that truly makes you happy, and take the down time to work on healing and caring for yourself as well. When you incorporate these into finding the new job you will discover that you feel a bit lighter, and that will likely lead you to find the right job.

    On another note, if you are helping a sick child or relative it is a reminder of how precious life is, so express gratitude for your own health. Finding joy in the midst of difficulty, or even tragedy, allows us to come out ahead and not only survive, but thrive.

    2. Pick one issue to deal with first. When you have so much going on the overwhelm can be your biggest enemy, and can actually cause you to come to a screeching halt. This is a perfectly normal response when we have too much going on. Pick one thing to “tackle” first. Make a list of the feelings associated with that issue. For example, if you have a child going through a difficult time who needs you more than usual, you may experience worry, sadness, etc. Write all the feelings down.

    Then, find counter arguments (I know – I sound like a lawyer here) to the feelings, and start to solve problems. This may sound counterintuitive, as feeling sad over a sick child shouldn’t “be” countered, but here’s what I mean: you can simply express gratitude for the ability to find solutions to the problem, such as specialist doctors, natropathic remedies, or different types of therapy.

    Next, take steps toward implementing the strategies you discovered. Do some research on the specialists and talk to them, learn about homeopathic remedies, or look into therapy treatments. Most of all, during the entire process make sure you are helping the child to feel better. Buy some coloring books and sparkly markers and sit together to create some art, or read a book aloud. These things will also help you relax and improve mood and attitude.

    3. Move onto another issue. Once you start to feel better about the first issue and have made some progress with solutions and implementation of them, you can move onto another issue you need to deal with. Tackle that in the same way as you did the first issue – keep your focus positive, write down feelings associated with the issue, find the counter arguments and start taking action.

    *****

    This process can help you create order out of what can feel chaotic, so you can actually move forward instead of being stuck. Using your energy to problem solve and take action is a productive use of energy, which makes it easier to face challenges. Let me know how it goes! 🦋

    It’s About the Vibration, Baby!

    How’s your vibration? If you are just starting a healing journey I bet it is pretty low – and this is completely normal! Divorce can create a lot of fear, negativity, and feelings of helplessness and despair.

    Let me take a step back and ask if you knew what I meant when I asked how your vibration is…many people do not understand vibrations and that too is ok. It is not something that is normally discussed unless you are a very conscious individual (although happily it is becoming more mainstream now).

    A vibration is the energy that radiates within every thing – whether it be human, animal, rock or dirt. Everything is made of energy. For that matter, energy can change, especially in humans since we are often ruled by our feelings and emotions.

    If you are in a slump – feeing down, sad, angry, triggered, stressed, or a host of other negative feelings, then your vibration will be lower. The people you see who seem to always be happy and positive – their vibration is higher. When you work on yourself to heal your vibration will rise.

    You may wonder what happens to someone with a high vibration – and this is a great question. People with high vibrations attract positive things into their lives, from people to things that others may see as good luck or coincidence…except it’s none of these. When our vibration is high others want to be around us, and people pick up on that vibration whether theirs is high, low or somewhere in between.

    Now of course no one is on top all of the time – live ebbs and flows and so do our emotions. BUT a high vibration person usually knows how to get back on track to being high-vibe. I am high-vibration but but went to a low place at the end of my marriage. My vibration rose after I went though my healing journey – I was and am SO grateful and happy with my life. I too deal with challenges just like anyone else, but it’s how I see them and handle them that keeps my vibration high.

    I have had some great comments from total strangers about my vibe, but I have also seen others feel threatened by it. You can tell those who have a difficult time by the way they avoid eye contact or make a low-energy or even rude comment – even if you didn’t ask a question. That is because most humans can feel the energy coming off another person, or at least see it from their body language or hear it in their words. Those who feel threatened by high-vibe people need to work on themselves – this is one way to self-check whether you might need to do some exploration into a healing journey.

    The great news is that you can raise your vibration…and once you do you will be amazed at how good things start to happen and how much better you feel – physically and mentally. The best way to describe it is that you feel more clarity, lighter, sharper, happier and free. It’s like someone turned on the light inside you, and it’s a beautiful thing.

    Here are a few ways you can start raising your vibration:

    1. Start noticing negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. You need to retrain yourself to focus on positivity, as you won’t raise your vibration with negative thoughts. For example, if you feel sad, find something that makes you feel happy – this can be the simple fact that you are here, breathing and alive, a beautiful sunset, dogs frolicking, or even looking at past photos of times that made you feel great. Keep noticing thoughts that are not positive and replacing them with positive ones – let’s say it’s raining and you think “darn – now I have to sit inside all day…” Instead, see the positive and replace that with “Great! Now I can finally get _____ finished today!” It takes work when you are down but eventually you will notice that you start thinking more positively.

    2. Surround yourself with positive people. Have you ever known someone who always complains or is quick to judge? Their energy leaks out to you: think about it – if you are speaking with someone like this it is hard to feel positive! So start hanging out with those who ARE positive. You may need to learn more about letting go – at least until you heal and get to a better place. Check out this blog on letting go for more information.

    3. Try something new. Find something to do that you have not tried – maybe you always wanted to paint or learn to play pickleball, or maybe you want to start baking or take a class toward getting a license or degree. DO IT! You will be surrounded by others who are interested in the same subject, and you may make a connection or two.

    4. Take care of your body. Eat healthy, stay away from alcohol, drugs and smoking/vaping. Exercise – you can’t say you don’t like to exercise because there are so many ways to do this, from simply walking to sports to dancing in your living room. The idea is to MOVE the body, as this stimulates endorphins which help you feel better. Start doing this daily.

    5. Get outside. It is important to connect with nature, and there are scientific studies that prove this to be true. Go to the ocean, a lake, stream, field, park, sit under a tree or lay on the ground and watch the clouds pass by. Find ways to enjoy the beauty that surrounds you.

    6. Trust your intuition. You know that little voice that tells you to do or not to do something? Or a sign that points you in a particular direction? LISTEN to it! This is a huge part of healing. If you need more help tuning into your intuition check out this podcast.

    These are a small sampling of things you can do to start raising your vibration, and there are many more.

    It is important to know that if you are in or starting the healing process it can be hard to understand specifically what you need without guidance and accountability…if you would like help please click this link to visit my website and get more information. 🦋

    Being a Good Parent After Divorce Takes Precedence

    Your relationship with your former spouse after divorce says a lot about both you and him/her – how much you each have healed and love yourselves, how much you each value the familial bonds (when there are children involved), and whether you have learned some of the most important lessons in life.

    You may personally be crushing your own healing journey, facing a former spouse who clearly has NOT healed, and who may not even want to talk to you or see you even years after divorce. But if your former spouse’s lack of healing affects your children, you need to learn to be even stronger and move forward without the other spouse’s help when they are not willing to give it.

    When a former spouse refuses to work together with you to help a child the refusal is a nothing short of narcissistic, as they are focusing on only their self and not putting the child first, which often has a detrimental affect on the child – even when the child is an adult.

    Narcissism is not a topic I normally put energy into as a healer because it gives us permission to blame, and I see many divorcées use it as an excuse to not do the healing work. When this happens people tend to hold a lot of negative feelings inside toward the former spouse and this, combined with the act of blaming, takes the focus off our own healing journey and prevents progression. BUT when a child needs help or guidance the narcissism should be put on the back burner to focus on the child.

    When the children are young and there is a divorce, there is usually a parenting plan put in place by lawyers – whether you use a litigator or mediator. The plans define the responsibilities of the parents and can be enforced when one parent is not fulfilling obligations. But what about when the children are older? They still need both parents to cooperate when help is needed.

    What to do when a former spouse will not speak with you regarding the children:

    1. Contact your attorney and ask about enforcing the co-parenting plan, if one is in place. If there is no plan or the children are older, move on to #2.

    2. Set expectations in writing and suggest ways to help the child – Send an email to your former spouse, cc’ing yourself, about why you want to collaborate to help the child, and invite them to do so. I find it is best to give a choice rather than leave it open ended – for example, “can you meet Monday or Wednesday at 5 via Zoom, or would you prefer a 3 way call?”

    3. If the former spouse is unwilling to help the child together, or wants to turn the situation around to blame YOU for their circumstances/ unhappiness/etc., send a written response that you will be helping the child as their parent, and give one more chance to join by stating the chosen time and place for the discussion. You may choose to mention that you will always both be parents, and that the child will benefit from your collaboration.

    4. If no help is forthcoming from the former spouse by this point, move forward to help the child on your own. You can engage the assistance of another person who may be important in the child’s life, like a grandparent or aunt/uncle.

    The failure to help adult children by standing together as a parental unit for that purpose can alter the relationship between the non-cooperative parent and the child. This is sad beyond comprehension, and can have effects on the child for years to come.

    If you are a parent who has been through divorce, put your adult children’s needs above your own and bypass any blame for the former spouse in order to focus on the child and his/her needs. It is a significant time to teach them the importance of parenting, family, love, a strong support network, and self-confidence.

    How Blame Stunts Healing

    Blame is a monster – it not only stirs negative emotions and thoughts within our own minds and bodies and keeps us from taking responsibility for our actions, but also prevents healing. Divorce is hard enough, and most of us want to heal from it…but if you are skirting responsibility by utilizing the blame crutch, I assure you that healing is NOT going to happen – at least not fully. Surprisingly, many people do not realize this although it is so important to learn and practice.

    Divorce is one of those actions that leads to a LOT of blame – I hear it every day, even passing strangers on walks and in stores…people blaming the former spouse for all kinds of things – from being a narcissist to being cruel, to not helping with the children or not acting like an adult. It is just what it is. Divorce is a negative action in society, and thus people tend to feel a lot of negativity surrounding it, which causes anger, frustration, sadness, shame, and a big dollop of fear (to name a few).

    We can learn how to overcome these feelings by turning inward. I know this sounds like hippie talk to some, but let me explain in a way that makes sense.

    I recently heard something that literally made the light bulb in my head come on as brightly as possible – and I wanted to share it because it is an excellent way to encapsulate what happens to you when you blame others. It goes like this: *** when you blame others for what is happening in YOUR life, when you believe they are the cause of your _________ (insert word(s) here), you transfer the responsibility for your happiness to that other person, and you continue to get more upset/hurt/angry/frustrated, etc. ***

    Now, in a way you might feel better temporarily once you put the blame on that former spouse, as it takes the responsibility off of yourself, BUT it will catch up with you because…

    Making someone else the culprit for your life not going the way you want it to go means they must change in order for you to feel better!

    READ THAT SENTENCE AGAIN. Do you see the flawed logic? You may NEVER heal or be happy at this rate! This explanation makes it so simple to see that you are the ONLY one in control of your own happiness, of the direction your life takes, of whether you heal or not. Giving that power away to another keeps you stuck in quicksand, and after going through divorce I KNOW that is not where you want to be.

    So it is time to take the training wheels off and be a grown up, time to grab the responsibility reins and change your own life. The former spouse is no longer important in terms of your life direction. If you still deal with him/her because of child custody issues, then you will need to see that as a business relationship and stick to a very strict regimen – but that is the subject of another blog (check out this podcast).

    As you start to accept this truth you will start to take action in the directions you want to see your life evolve. If you are having a difficult time learning how to get started or what to do next in your healing journey, check out my coaching programs. I would love to help you find the bliss that I live every day. 🦋

    Embracing Life’s Ups and Downs: How to Stay Positive in Adversity

    Last week my mom had surgery. As I sat waiting I thought about how life flows in a series of ups and downs. We have moments of light and moments of darkness. We can gravitate between happiness and helplessness, and all feelings in between. When we are in the negative situations we sometimes feel that we are being victimized or singled out for tragedy and gloom – and this is human nature. We need to feel the feelings that come with those challenges.

    In order to put the human emotional state into perspective it is important to remember a few things:

    1. The fluctuation in reality is part of life and is completely normal. While it is hard to keep this fact in perspective when we are in the victim state, it is important to remind ourselves of it, because it lets our brain know that the state is temporary (like everything in life). When we tell ourselves that we are in a temporary state and that it will end soon, we calm ourselves down. Of course, these are times to utilize other helpful techniques like breathwork and meditation, which also calm down our systems.

    2. You will get back to a better state. Also keep this in mind as it tells your brain that you will move forward. This gives you energy to keep pushing yourself to stay positive. Remind yourself of this constantly.

    3. Appreciate the difficult times. I know this may sound crazy, but by being grateful for the challenges you will actually have an easier time moving through them, which or course will enable you to return to the good times. It is incredible how far you can go when you program your mind in positive ways, when you strive to immerse yourself in the right perspective.

    While my mom faces some challenges I am choosing to picture her healthy and full of life. I visualize her doing the things she enjoys, smiling and laughing. While I know she faces an unknown road ahead, my mind is focused on a positive outcome. If everyone who loves her thinks this way I believe it will help her feel better emotionally, and when we feel better in that way it can have an impact on our physical state and on healing…so I choose positivity and love.

    When I went through divorce there were so many things I had to do at the very start to move forward toward my new life, including packing up and selling the family home of 21 years. It was challenging and physically taxing, but I saw the work as steps toward my future. I chose to take pleasure in all the things I had to accomplish, because completion led to the next chapter, and that is how I got through it.

    The bottom line is that you are the creator of your life – but it will not always go according to your desires. Things happen that are beyond our control, so accept that you cannot and never will be able to control everything. This frees the mind to stay more focused on the big picture instead of being stuck in each negative state.

    Everything we experience is temporary, so look for the lesson when life veers off path, and focus on that. It will help you to move forward. 🦋

    Parenting Adult Children After Divorce

    Parenting after divorce can be challenging for many, because suddenly the parents are not one unit, but instead 2 separate individuals trying to act for the benefit of the children (granted, they do have to still act as a unit, but I digress). But what about grey divorces, where the children are adults – how do parenting skills come into play in such situations, and what if one parent doesn’t keep the adult children’s best interests at heart?

    Most people think that if kids are grown up and have become their own adults, there should not be a parenting issue when it comes to divorce. To the contrary, those who have been there know that there is still a fear that the divorce will hurt the children, or sour them when it comes to love relationships. So in essence many grey divorce parents feel they still need to do right by their children to make them feel loved and part of a family unit after a divorce. The difference is that in this older phase of life where one is not tied to custody agreements, sometimes parents can interject a lot of their own angst onto their children.

    Personally, both my kids told me they were “fine” with the divorce (my son had told me to get divorced for years), but I still believe that when the actual split occurred it must have been hard for them. I remember a post my daughter made a few years before the divorce, where she was hanging from a tree in front of the family home. She mentioned that she had lived in the house all her life and her family was still together. I thought of that post when my marriage ended, and it made me feel sad for her.

    My kids will be the first to tell you that I don’t like the word “fine” as an answer to any question, unless one is describing a work of art, ripely aged wine or cheese, or a porcelain object. It often means the opposite of being “not bad.” I have always discouraged it as an answer to “how are you?” Though I have always felt that the divorce must have hurt them in some way, I know they were old enough to understand that the marriage wasn’t working any more, that we had grown so far apart and despite valid attempts to right it, it could not be so. Still, every now and again I feel sad that their parents divorced (please understand that I do not feel sad that I divorced, only that they became another statistic). Luckily they are both thriving.

    What I make a very conscious effort to not do is speak poorly of their father or blame him for the demise of the marriage (of course a marital demise is the result of both parties, no matter the circumstances – barring abuse). My hope always has been that he and I can join together to celebrate our children’s milestones, like marriages, accomplishments, and babies. As parents we should also be able to talk about the children when one of them is going through difficulties and needs our help making a plan to forge ahead. We agreed to that when we split up. To me that is what parents do, whether they are married or divorced – they support their children no matter what. They put their egos aside and stand by their kids even if seeing the other spouse may be painful. They act strong in the face of challenges to set an example, because we are always the teachers of our children, no matter their age.

    For those who have been through grey divorce and have adult children, please take some time to think about how you can best support them after the marriage ends. Be respectful to your former spouse, don’t pull a child into the middle of your negative feelings, and be respectful of your children – the other parent is also their parent! They can love both parents, but if you act like a jerk they may one day decide you are not worth being around…and THAT will hurt a lot.

    I know that I always want my children in my life, and I always want them to know how much I love them – these are my CHOICES. I live by this desire and know that my children will be stronger because of it – because it is not about me, it is about them…and that’s what a parent does. 🦋

    Cry Baby, Cry!

    When people go through divorce there tends to be a LOT of negativity and fear, and there are 3 typical reactions to these feelings: one is to fall apart completely and slip into a negative state for a while – or indefinitely fall into a victim state. If there is no release for your feelings it can be difficult or even impossible to begin or continue a healing journey.

    The second reaction is to hold it all inside and keep the emotions bottled up. Sure, you might talk to a friend about your feelings, but the floodgates never truly open. Men are notorious for falling into this category, as previous generations of men have been taught to hold it all in and not show emotion (although that is changing and there are a lot of men who are perfectly able to express emotions). In fact, I see so many men go right from the family home when they first split, into a mad dating spree so fast there is barely time to blink. If you are a regular reader, have read my book, watch/listen to my podcast or have seen me on TV or elsewhere, you KNOW how I feel about this behavior. One MUST heal before dating, hands down.

    The third way people react to the whirlwind of emotions that engulf us when we get divorced is the best way, although many people do not let themselves go there: it is to treat ourselves with gentle, loving care and let it all out through our tears and other forms of expression. Crying releases feelings of grief over the loss of a marriage, and can enable us to let go and to forgive. It usually brings a lot of clarity.

    If you are like me, I did a lot of crying in the beginning, after the initial split when my former spouse moved out and I had to pack up the house and get it ready for sale. I chose to see my tears as an opening of the gates in which I was releasing all the gunk that had built up inside, the hurt and fear. My heart had hardened after so much time feeling unseen and unappreciated, nor getting what I needed to thrive. Much of that was my own fault for not diving deep into my unhappiness sooner, but no matter – I finally let it all out. I imagined that the tears washed it all away and left me with a clean slate – tabula resa – and I was free to do what I wanted with my life. “Purge and cleanse” was my mantra.

    There is scientific evidence that crying releases endorphins, our “feel-good” hormones. This usually manifests in feeling calm after crying. Tears also can remove stress hormones and toxins from our blood, release tension within the body, help with digestion, induce the body to rest, and keep us emotionally balanced. So despite puffy eyes and a runny nose, there are many benefits to a good cry.

    On the flip side, another thing to consider is that holding in emotions can create stress, which can lead to anxiety, depression, elevated blood pressure and heart rate, headaches, stomachaches and digestive problems, lethargy, exhaustion, lack of energy, and many other negative feelings that can wreak havoc on us physically and mentally.

    The moral of this post is that it is beneficial to let out the emotions you experience as you go through divorce, or any trauma or time of difficulty. Remember to journal about your feelings before and after you have a cry, and notice what feels different, if anything. 🦋