Speak Your Truth

One big lesson I learned through the challenging end of my marriage and subsequent divorce was how important it is to use one’s voice to express feelings and be vulnerable. For me this was a surprise because I am not one to shy away from stating my case and using my voice. I have always been vocal, fighting for what I wanted, teaching and mentoring others – always a leader. But somehow during the last years of my marriage I started keeping feelings and emotions inside and not sharing them.

Part of the reason for this was because of the way those expressed feelings were being received and the responses they elicited. I didn’t want to argue and cause anger as I was trying to process my own feelings, so in order to keep things peaceful and keep myself from being retaliated against, I subconsciously chose not to express myself. But this did more damage than I could have imagined.

In hindsight this was obviously not the right thing to do, as our partners cannot guess what we feel. When you keep emotions bottled up inside it can often turn to resentment towards the person from whom you are withholding feelings. I think at a certain point I was trying to protect myself from dealing what needed to be dealt with, but I DID share my feelings when we went to couples therapy, so it wasn’t as if he was clueless.

Being able to speak openly to a loved one without being judged or criticized is so important. But it is hard to do so when your expressions are not met with acceptance (even if the feelings are not reciprocated). This is a point that many couples get to at some time or another, and it requires a lot of work to get back on track but it is possible with willingness and work from both people. For those who continue to withhold rather than express it can have dire affects.

Once I realized that I was doing this I spent a lot of time processing why. We had been together 30 years, and I had to dive deep to figure out when this started, how it changed, IF it changed or was always present but just tolerated or even ignored, and what I wanted. My journey brought me answers, as did reactionary responses and behaviors. I realized much of it had always been that way, and because I was so much more connected with myself at that point then I had been in a long time, my needs had changed. When I tried to express those needs they were met with resistance and accusations, so I started not sharing.

At some point when one is not getting what one needs from a partner, she/he can start to shut down. Feelings of love and the need for intimacy can wane and even disappear. Again the result was not one-sided and I take full responsibility for my role. But the breakdown was too strong to drum up the desire to keep trying. I needed my freedom, I needed to be me and discover me, not just the part I played in the “we.”

Sometimes it is difficult to figure out when a breakdown in communication actually occurs or how it begun; one just finds oneself in a compromised and unhappy position. Using words to express needs is so important in any relationship. Once a partner gets used to you being easy-going by not expressing yourself, they may assume everything is “fine” within the relationship dynamic. At some point the unhappy person will get unhappier, and eventually both parties can end up that way. Often times at this point the couple may need help getting back on track.

I learned many important lessons about the value of speaking my truth – something I do in all relationships now, especially in my relationship with myself. In my next partnered relationship I am going to lay everything on the table and be vulnerable, and I expect the same from my partner. Life is too short and too precious for unhappiness. ❤️

Reverse Hiccups

Oftentimes a former partner has difficulty with a relationship taking on a new existence, and that can in turn affect us and our own journey (what I call reverse hiccups). My ex-husband and I are coming together to help one of our children, who is facing some medical challenges right now. It is a time to put aside any negativity and focus only on selflessness and love. Regardless, these situations can get tricky so it is important to continue to stand in your truth and set boundaries.

Recognizing that words and feelings can come from victim consciousness, in which blaming, shaming and attempted manipulation can be coping mechanisms, is important when speaking with an ex-partner to not be reactive. Instead, try to listen and process any responses carefully, in the hope that the messages contained therein might trigger some deep thoughts.

I have written in past posts about victim consciousness, and the rut we can fall into if we remain in that dimension. It is not easy to get out – it is perhaps the most challenging journey one can make in life. It also is not a quick process. It involves a lot of deep diving and exploration of self, which many people are too afraid to do. Most people have no idea how to do this either, and although the idea sounds good they cannot get started…so they stay in a spiral and find it gets easier to blame others for their lot in life. But this never makes one feel better or be able to move forward and find true happiness.

I have gone through a LOT of deep work, but I am the first to say that it never ends – this work is a process that is ongoing. We have to open our minds and our hearts if we want to heal, and that means constantly turning the mirror on ourselves. It is human nature to blame when we feel down, so you must accept that. But where we go from there is how we rectify the pain in our lives and turn it into love. Oftentimes people need guidance on this journey, as it is not easy to figure out by oneself, especially if one is not spiritual and/or conscious. Many people have no idea what it means to be conscious, and that is ok.

Here are some great places to start a deep dive (I have mentioned a few before): seek the guidance of an energy healer (make sure s/he is highly skilled – if you live in the San Diego area I am happy to suggest a few names); learn how to meditate (many people do not understand the reality of this and how therapeutic it is) – there are classes in person and online to help; practice breath work – this will require guidance as well if you are not experienced, and there are many resources online and in books; spend time in nature daily, preferably barefooted; learn to let go (the book Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by Dr. David R. Hawkins is a great resource); WRITE your feelings and experiences down in a journal – try to do this daily even it if is a short entry. These suggestions are a great way to start your journey.

Another beautiful way to tune into your levels of consciousness is to take online classes – Mindvalley is my favorite app (it requires membership but it is well worth it), and there are so many great programs like Life Visioning Mastery with Michael Beckwith (this is a fabulous initiation into consciousness), The Silva Ultramind System with Vishen Lakhiani (Vishen is the founder of Mindvalley and has also authored some wonderful books – this program is a bit advanced and may be best after you have made some progress with deep self-discovery) , Rapid Transformational Hypnotherapy with Marisa Peer, A Journey to Infinitheism with Mahatria (LOVE this program), Duality with Jeffrey Allen, and Calling in the One with Katherine Woodward Thomas (learning to love yourself and ultimately find someone to love you).

No matter how you begin to dig into your consciousness, your choices and beliefs, making a choice to do so is the key. There is a lot of help out there for anyone seeking to be truly happy…but it must start with desire, belief and expectation that it is possible. Enjoy the journey!

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If you are on a journey to your reach your highest level of consciousness, are learning deeply about yourself and seeing changes in your life, please reach out to me. I hope to inspire by sharing my own journey and love to hear what others are discovering about themselves!

Hiccups

Divorce is never easy, even in situations where the parties are not battling and remain civil, because the union is suffused with history, feelings, connections with others, and oftentimes a family. Even when a person knows it is the right thing to do in order to be happy there can be moments of self-doubt or missing the relationship, even long after the split.

The first time I had such a “hiccup” was when I had to have a minor surgery. It was a strange feeling to be alone, to come home after the outpatient surgery, not feeling so great, and have to take care of myself. It made me miss having a partner to take care of me. So I had a moment of self-doubt in my decision.

I felt in that moment that I missed having someone to help me and be with me through difficult times (as well as good times, or when I had a hard day or was dealing with everyday challenges). During those times it was so nice to know that my partner could bring home dinner or take care of the kids if I went to bed early or took a relaxing bath.

In the rare times that any such feelings of doubt arise I let them in and allow myself to experience them. It is so important to do this and not to ignore them, because acknowledging the feelings is part of the personal growth work and part of healing. I ask myself how I am feeling and what triggered my feelings so that I can recognize it. Then I ground myself by reminding myself why I made the choices I made, how important my happiness is to me, and how blessed I am to be where I am now. It is ok to feel what we feel – let it in, recognize it, and then let it go.

Being in a relationship is a beautiful experience, and it is ok to mourn the loss long after it is over. Our feelings of loss are also a reminder of our dedication to loving ourselves. Of course every divorce story is different, but even in situations where it is contentious and nasty I imagine there were some happy memories from the marriage, and those will always be there no matter how unhappily it ended.

Recently my son was going through some difficult times, and I was hesitant to call my ex-husband but did make the connection. We agreed to work as a team to help our son and discussed a plan to do so, and that felt really good. It was actually the first talk we had where we were both completely on the same page and I did not feel antagonized; it was not about us or our divorce, but instead was about our mutual love for our child. I feel it strengthened our bond as parents, and also likely helped both our hearts heal a bit as well.

I love the idea of “uncoupling” instead of “divorcing.” Although they both refer to the act of partners splitting up, the concept of “uncoupling” connotes kinder, softer and selfless means of achieving the same end result. One does not think of anger, negativity and arguing when feeling into this concept, as uncoupling requires both parties to be consciously aware of themselves and their partner (and children when they are involved). “Divorce” on the other hand harbors so much negativity and can be fueled by selfishness, resentment, and even the need for revenge.

The way we each approach a divorce says a lot about ourselves and our self love. Forgiving oneself and the ex-partner is the only way toward finding true happiness. Realizing and appreciating the beauty and lessons that came from the relationship – whether it lasted months, years or decades – will make you a stronger person. So don’t be so hard on yourself and let the “hiccups” come when they do, as it will bring you closer to love and happiness.

Embracing Self Trust

Awakening to a blissful life requires a lot of personal growth work, and it is absolutely an incredible journey. But it is also challenging and emotional, as it requires you to step up to be the best version of yourself. In the end though, if you stay true to yourself and trust your instincts, you will come to a place you could not have imagined. That place is the true YOU, the you that deserves light and love and happiness.

Once you get there, once you have jumped off the proverbial cliff with no fear and trusted in yourself and the guidance of the universe, you will feel reborn. It’s like being energized and filled with a beautiful light that spreads throughout your body, cleansing and envigorating. You may start to laugh, smile or cry at times from sheer happiness, your body may experience vibrating or buzzing sensations, and you may start to experience things that are inexplicable – visions, instincts, strange signs, bizarre dreams and heightened intuition, to name a few. It is an amazing experience.

Like any journey, once you come down from the initial awakening high and sink back into your life patterns (work, school, etc.), there will be times you may feel lonely, especially around people who are not awakened and don’t understand what you went through. During such times you may doubt decisions you made and miss your old life or an old relationship – even if you know in your heart that the decisions were soundly made and that you can never go back to an unfulfilling existence where you did not get what you needed. These feelings are perfectly normal. I have experienced them – mostly when I am low like when I don’t feel well or when I am overwhelmed with work. There are many things that can trigger these feelings, and it is important to recognize that they are normal.

I have had these feelings and I am glad they come once in a while, because they are a reminder that I made a commitment to myself to do the things that are right for me, my happiness and peace of mind. Once I recognize such feelings I let them go, because my awakening into self-love taught me to trust my intuition, to put myself first so I can honor my quest for true happiness as long as I am alive.

One thing that always helps me, especially during the low times, is to write down the things about myself for which I am grateful. Conversely, it helps to write down the things I need to let go. I did a lot of this over the course of the last few years, but it always makes me feel better to revisit this writing practice, and I can tailor the letting go part to my specific feelings. For example, if I am missing having a partner with whom to share my life I will express my gratitude for being brave enough to leave an unhappy marriage, so that I can pursue true happiness within myself (knowing this step must happen first) before I find a partner with whom I can grow and create a meaningful relationship. I release any doubts I have that cause me to question my intuition, knowing that there was so much thought behind my decision and that I listened to my heart. I list all the doubts I am feeling and then let them go. This exercise allows me to be open so that I am available (emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally) when the right partner comes my way.

There is something cathartic about expressing ourselves through writing, even if we never share it with anyone. It is a tool I have used all my life to keep myself grounded and get through difficult times. I sometimes write letters to people I let go, but never send or give them to those people. It is my way of expressing myself as if I am talking to them, of getting closure and securing that promise to myself to love myself and put me first in my pursuit of happiness.

Trusting yourself self means embracing your essence, your truth, and allows you to be your highest self. The more you continue to listen to that inner voice and your heart, the more beauty you will experience.

Recognizing Patterns

“Finding patterns is the essence of wisdom” – Dennis Prager

One of the hardest things for any human being to do is to really dive deep inside oneself and look at patterns of behavior that cause us to be unhappy, stuck, unfulfilled, or to experience a myriad of negative feelings. This is especially true in relationships.

In my personal growth work I have focused on loving myself and breaking down barriers within myself to put me first, to give myself permission to let go of notions that I had to take care of everyone and then find time for me. But coming out of a 30 year partnership I didn’t think about my patterns.

I was listening to a relationship expert discuss people who attract the “wrong” people time and again, oftentimes emotionally unavailable people. [**It is important to note here that I do not think people are “wrong,” in that each person comes into our field to teach us lessons about ourselves, even though they may not be a person with whom we can/should become intimate]. She talked about doing the deep work to love yourself first, which I have done and continue to do, and examining the patterns that put people in these situations. I thought none of what she was saying applied to me because I have done so much work on myself, but then I thought some more and realized that I needed to look at my own patterns, because one day I would like to find a partner with whom to share my life, and there are certain things I know I will need from him; I expect he will need things from me as well, and I want to be ready to reciprocate. Lesson learned: we can ALWAYS grow!

In thinking of my patterns when it comes to relationships, I realized that I had been the same way in my long marriage as I was with the other relationships I had prior to that. In every instance I was with a person who could not give me something important that I needed, but I stayed the course and took care of them and gave my heart to them. In one relationship I loved someone so deeply, and in a way he must have loved me, but he was emotionally unavailable, unable to commit; still I savored any time I could get with him. I never spoke up and expressed what I needed, until the very end when he was moving away. I was afraid of losing what we had, but the reality is we had nothing, as he was not emotionally available. By staying in that “relationship” I lowered my self-worth by allowing that to be ok, when I deserve so much more (we all do).

In my marriage I needed to be heard and appreciated and listened to, not told what was wrong with my thought processes, or how I could do things “better.” For a long time in the final years I ignored my own needs and let resentment build up. When I finally expressed myself it all came out; my husband wanted to make the relationship work and wanted to “change,” so we tried for a year to rekindle things and make positive changes. But during that time I realized he was not capable of giving me what I needed because of the things he needed to deal with first. In turn I was not capable of giving him what he needed because I had worked hard to understand what I needed to be happy, and being in that relationship no longer served me.

All of these relationships, plus other minor ones with emotionally unavailable men, make me realize now that I do have a pattern with putting others first, ignoring my own needs, and being with partners who do not understand me nor listen to and respect me. I was also overly independent in relationships and took charge – of everything. Looking back that means the men I attracted were men who liked me being the main driver (taking care of the house, children, bills, repairs, planning investments and vacations, etc.). The new version of me wants and needs a vastly different relationship dynamic and now that I know that I know I will find it.

Coming out of victim consciousness (see my previous post on this topic for more on this) is the first step to deciphering patterns that keep us going in circles, the first step in healing ourselves so we can find the right partner. It is so easy to blame others, blame the world, circumstances, your job, the pandemic…the list is endless. But in the big picture blame is just a waste of energy and keeps you running in circles. It also can lead to anxiety or depression, or just plain nastiness.

Once we stop blaming and stop focusing on the past as a learning experience, we can truly focus on the future and the new version of ourselves – the version we can manifest once we understand who we are and what we need. When we are grounded and know what we want and what makes us happy, when we can let go of past ideas, people and patterns that stand in the way of what we want for ourselves, and when we embrace being by ourselves because we truly love ourselves, it is easy to manifest what the future holds.

My Body, My Temple

Being healthy is one of the most important and necessary ingredients to finding true happiness and living an abundant life. If you want to be happy and you are loading up on sugar and caffeine, meat, fried and junk foods and alcohol, you will not be your sharpest or leanest, nor will you be functioning at your highest level of mental fitness. I personally believe that diet can prevent all kinds of illness, and that it is also a way to escape illness (with the right direction from an expert, or course, and in partnership with your doctor).

Personally I view my body as my temple – I only put the best ingredients in it because I cherish it and my life. I eat a very clean diet – vegetarian (mostly vegan), with the occasional piece of fish (but no other meat), no fried foods, no GMOs or anything processed, no sugar (this is so important, and most people ingest way too much), no alcohol, all organic ingredients when possible, and no junk/fast food. I take many supplements as well. I read all ingredients and know which product brands are the cleanest – I only shop at natural markets so that makes it easier to find these brands. The bottom line is that I feel great – when there is an issue within my body I know it right away because I am so in tune with myself.

I know a lot of people don’t want to hear this, and don’t want to change the way they eat. I am pointing it out because there is a HUGE difference in the way your body feels when you do eat clean. Try it for 2 weeks and see how you feel. There are plenty of great protein sources out there other than meat. I am not a licensed nutritionist so my advice would be to find a good one, perhaps online if you like. Notice how you feel physically and mentally after doing this for a bit (that’s why I suggest 2 weeks minimum, but many nutritionists suggest a month). Let me know – many friends have tried it and cannot believe how they feel. It is important to not think of changing eating habits as a “diet” or a sacrifice, because that could be a recipe for failure. Rather, it is a way of life.

I know that eating healthy played a huge part in healing from my divorce. By keeping my body clean I was able to stay clear headed and process everything emotionally and mentally. My physical well being did not suffer. You may remember how I described in an earlier post about how I had pains in my body for years prior to deciding to leave my marriage, and how when I was away from it all my pains disappeared. It was a huge aha moment for me when I took a trip to Thailand with my daughter and every pain left my body (I am referring to chronic pain, not occasional muscle pains common to over-exercising or sitting/standing too long). That’s when I knew that I needed to leave my marriage (it had been a long process of decision making), and I am happy to say that I live pain free.

There are a few people whom I love very much and have been trying to help for years. I have sent books and articles and links to sites of nutrition experts and people who have cured themselves of dis-ease with food and energy healing. But no matter what I do my loved ones do not make an effort to explore further. Granted it is their prerogative, but it is so frustrating to me, because I love them and want them to be well. I know that if I had an illness or ailment I would do whatever I could to get better. There is so much out there besides western medicine philosophy. I am not saying western medicine is not important – I believe in good doctors and established medical treatments. But sometimes they may not work, and if you and your doctor think it is a good idea to interject some eastern philosophies into your healing please try it. I know of people who have cured themselves of ailments doctors told them they would die from…they did it with diet or diet plus energy medicine. Today there are also more western doctors who are embracing eastern treatments in conjunction with western, which is fantastic.

If this is a new concept to you I encourage you to start researching it. There are many great resources online and in book format. If you are going through a divorce or something else that can be traumatizing it is so important to stay healthy. This is because when you are stressed or traumatized your body goes into fight or flight mode, you produce heightened levels of the stress hormone cortisol – which increases sugar in your blood. This can lead to osteoporosis, weight gain, high blood pressure, and more. When your body is stressed illness can easily take over. Getting a divorce is stressful, even if it is amicable, and you need to take care of yourself. I know people who were so stressed when they divorced that the gained a lot of weight and developed illnesses. Now of course I cannot be certain that the weight gain and illness were caused by the stress from the divorce BUT I feel pretty confident that was the case.

I made sure that I was very healthy going into my divorce, and I maintained that health physically, mentally and spiritually. It is how I stayed sane and on my path to healing. I cried, I grieved, I had my moments…but my health is one of the major ingredients that got me through it. I am now in the best shape I have been in many years, and combined with all my spiritual work I am in a very good, happy place. It IS possible to come out of stress and trauma and be in a better place as a whole, but you have to make the choice to get there and that starts with your body, your mind and your spirit.

Abundance

One of the hardest practical parts of getting a divorce – for many people at least – is thinking about supporting yourself. For me that was scary – no more dual income, no one to help if funds were needed for something not planned. It would all be up to me. I know a few people who stay in their marriages for this reason alone…and they are miserable, literally.

As I processed what I would need to support myself completely I knew that I had to let go of any fears I had about money. This is because if I let my fears gain control over my truth then I would never have changed the course of my life. My truth is that I can do anything I want or need to do because I am abundant – we all are.

I started looking around and noticing abundance – EVERYWHERE. I knew I could have abundance in my life, but I had to get my logical mind to realize that I have all I need. I have a great job, I have clients who love me, I have more skills than most people who do my job, and I truly care about the people I help. From these things comes financial freedom, and it was just a matter of programming myself to realize there was nothing to be afraid of. I learned to trust that there is plenty of work for me, plenty of money. Others have it, so could I.

All of a sudden something just clicked, and I knew that I would be ok. The universe did not help me go through so much to get to the point where I was so healed, happy and grounded, only to lose those things because of a lack of money. I had to trust fully in this notion. The opposite of trusting that I would be ok would have been to worry about it, and worrying creates mental and physical stress. If you are stressed how can you possibly be open to abundance? You can’t. This made complete sense to me. What you hold in your mind you can create in your life, but only if your mind is relaxed and tuned into what matters. So I trusted in my heart, and I literally threw my worries away (I do this every single day).

I started telling myself that I am rich, that I have money saved for a rainy day and that money comes to me. I began to look at spending money as a way to get more money, not seeing it as choking me. I don’t spend frivolously, but I buy what I need and trust that there will be more money to continue to do so. My relationship with money has improved. I have always been conservative with finances and I still am to an extent, but if I need to buy something I don’t fret over it.

When I was married I was the one who handled all the finances, home repairs, savings, etc. I paid all the bills and budgeted for vacations and the kids’ activities, saved for college and put money into the IRAs. I got all the tax information ready each year to send to the accountant, neatly organized and tallied up. Luckily I was used to doing all this, so when I went on my own it was easy. Some people are not as lucky when they get divorced, as they never ran the financial side of a partnership. Many women in particular get into deep water because they do not know the true state of the partnership finances (especially if the divorce is contentious). But don’t be afraid of this – there are plenty of people to help you. The important thing is that you make a decision that aligns with your truth so that you can be happy.

It took time and hard work for me to feel comfortable with not worrying, with trusting the universe and trusting myself. Once my thoughts were focused on my ability to survive solo the worry melted away and I jumped off the cliff without looking down – I knew I could save myself and that the universe had my back. It was freeing and continues to be that way.

The first thing I do every morning when I awaken is to give thanks for my life, my health, my courage and ability to take care of myself, all my blessings and the abundance in my life, for the love I have for my family, friends and my dog, and for the lessons they all teach me. I ask for continued beauty in my life, for courage and guidance to get through challenges, wisdom to continuously bring me closer to god, and for a constant infusion of love in my heart so that I may spread it everywhere I go.

Metamorphosis

Do you know the most important words in English? I’ll bet they are not what you are thinking. But if you learn them and work hard to make change within yourself you will evolve into a beautiful human being full of love.

Words are so powerful and they shape our lives from the moment we are born until we die. You have likely heard some incredible speeches, read beautiful prose, listened to someone passionately pouring their heart out in support or against an idea, cause or movement, or been told you were either incredible or worse: terrible/lazy/incompetent, etc. Each one of us has been touched, inspired, moved, incensed or hurt by words.

The power or your own words, those you say out loud and those you say in your mind to yourself, lead either to happiness and accomplishment of your goals, or they lead to fear and not being able to accomplish the things you desire and know will make you happy. I know this to be true because I have been on both sides; for the last few years of my marriage I never really understood what I was doing to myself, via my own thoughts and self-talk, to sabotage my happiness.

I AM are the most potent words in existence. What you believe, so it will be. If you think you are unlucky or that you will never find love, guess what?! If you believe you are happy/deserving/wealthy/healthy, or anything else, it will be. Conversely, the wrong words and thoughts can keep us stuck in victim consciousness, and things will continue to not go our way until we change our mindset – which starts with words and the thoughts that come with them.

I have always been a high achiever, and naturally one who focuses on a goal and works hard until I accomplish it. But in the last few years of my marriage I didn’t listen to my inner voice and told myself the relationship would improve. I was unhappy and then progressively became more so over time, but instead of telling myself I needed to make changes to be happy I stayed put and did nothing. I believed comments that were made to me which made me feel badly, like it was my fault. I let myself be manipulated into believing I had problems that caused the relationship to fail. Until I woke up.

I AM are formative words that align us with god or spirit (however you envision this). When we use these words we should only do so in order to express positive thoughts. This is because what we think, we believe. I had to start focusing on what I needed and wanted, with constant reminders out loud (I AM HAPPY, I AM BLESSED, I AM PROTECTED, I AM CAPABLE, I AM STRONG, I AM DESERVING OF HAPPINESS AND LOVE…). It can be hard to do at first, but when you listen to your intuition it speaks to you. The best way to do this is to sit uninterrupted in a quiet spot and tune out everything (as much as you can). Focus on your dreams – what do you see for yourself? What do you want? Write down and constantly tell yourself what you want as if you have it now. It’s amazing what happens when we really start to tune in and think in this way.

I knew I wanted to be happy, and the first step was getting out of my marriage. I am by no means saying that others need that – everyone is different and many marriages can successfully be saved. But in my case I had to be free in order to realize my dreams, get “unstuck,” and truly be my highest self – and that could only come from loving myself. When you love someone you want what is best for them…the same goes for YOU. Don’t forget it took me many years to be able to effortlessly make my decision, and that is because I stayed in a place where I was not thriving and I was not listening to all my heart and body were telling me. Once I realized this and started focusing on what I wanted and needed, my life changed in beautiful ways. I now focus on what is best for me and what feels right…and boy have doors opened for me!

This advice applies to everything – no matter in what areas of your life you are unhappy, stuck, trapped, or unable to move forward. The proof is in the pudding, as they say. I cannot tell you how many people have commented on how my energy has changed, on how happy I am. Total strangers have told me they can feel my energy and that I seem like such a grounded person, and ask how I am so happy….because what I tell you is true!

Whatever your journey, especially if you are going through a divorce, you can be happy again, even happier than you could have ever imagined. Divorce in particular is very difficult, even if it is not contentious. Leaving a marriage is like a death – two souls that had been joined together and pledged their love for each other are no longer a “we.” Ending that is so hard, no matter what. We have been taught that marriage is forever, and although it can be tough at times you do not walk away; we have been taught that equates with failure. I disagree.

I believe people are always changing, and if you reach a point where you are not constantly morphing from a caterpillar into a butterfly (regardless of how long each change may take), you need to take stock in order to find true happiness. 🦋

The Fake Rebound

When I left my marriage I was actually looking forward to being alone. I had no plans to date or try to meet men. I knew I needed time to heal and to be with myself, because as I have said before you cannot love another until you truly love yourself…this does not happen quickly but takes a lot of deep work. Many people think they love themselves, but they truly do not. Once you are completely happy just being with yourself, with no need for another to “make you happy” (which of course if a fallacy, as I have also mentioned before), then you are truly in love with yourself. BUT the caveat is that you have to constantly work at this, just like with any relationship.

So I moved into my new place and quickly made it a home (I am this way – I need things to be comfortable and everything put in its place). For a few months prior to that there was a man who kept popping up on my “people you may want to friend” list on Facebook. I strangely felt some connection, but I did not open his profile or do anything. I was still packing, selling things and getting ready to move, and life was chaotic with my divorce pending.

After I moved I was checking messages one night and he popped up again. I called a friend, who confirmed what I thought – there was a reason for this. So I reached out to him. We chatted a few times and had a lot in common, so we met for dinner – it was not a “date” per se, but I suppose it could have been called that.

You have to understand that at that time I was literally buzzing – I was so high on life and so happy. I just came out of a dark period and I felt insanely blissed out – I felt and looked better than I had in years, my body was strong and I felt feminine and pretty (hadn’t felt that in a long time) – awakening really does that to you. Nothing could get me down, I saw so much beauty in everything and my energy levels were so high, I literally appreciated everything and everyone, nothing made me upset and I didn’t worry about anything. I had let my inner child out after she had been hibernating for years, so I felt lighter and relaxed, ready to have fun. This is how I met this man, and because he too was so spiritual it didn’t seem to bother him, but it would be the ultimate downfall. Most men would have been scared of me in this state!

I call this man my “fake” rebound. I did not want a “rebound” relationship – that is just not for me – and this never progressed to a real relationship, thus the fake status. I don’t need to sleep with someone to feel that I am worthy – I would rather save that for someone I care about because to me intimacy is sacred. There was never anything physical between me and fake rebound guy, although I’m pretty sure the attraction was mutual…but never even a kiss!

For the next month and a half we saw each other quite often, talked on the phone, did all kinds of active and fun things. But I believe this man was intimidated by me and he was definitely not available emotionally. There were many red flags, and I realized he did not respect me in some ways, which led to him lying to me – this is never acceptable, and it means someone does not value my worth.

I am glad I had this experience because it taught me what I want in a partner when I am ready. I took away so many powerful learning lessons. I do not put myself on dating sites (and never will), because I don’t like games. Friends tell me a man won’t come knocking at my door, but I know he will come into my life when the time is right – and I am fine with being with myself until that happens. Love will find me, I know this to be true.

Mostly importantly, my fake rebound guy experience reminded me that I am so worthy – I knew that but I slipped into an old pattern. When I have a life partner again he will value my worth and appreciate me. Although I have several other requirements on my list the most important is that he is emotionally available for a mature and healthy adult relationship; so many people are not…and he must like dogs (and my dog must like him) – this is non-negotiable.

I am excited for that chapter and I know it is coming, but I am also content with being with just myself (and my dog). I like who I am – a strong, independent, smart, fun, beautiful and successful woman. The man who sees this will be a lucky man. We women need to embrace who we are and stand strong in our self-worth, because we are all goddesses. Don’t ever doubt your self worth, and don’t ever change for anyone!

Stop Being a Victim

Victim consciousness is so prevalent in our society and prevents so many people from being happy. I cannot even count how many people I meet or know who see themselves as victims – bad news and bad things always come their way and they are resigned to it (“I never get a break,” “I get all the bad luck,” “He/she/it did this to me!”, etc.)

Victim consciousness is the lowest level of consciousness, and it is where a large majority of people reside. They believe things happen TO them. Until they realize that they have control over their happiness/success/achievements/financial position/etc., they will continue to live in fear and remain victims.

Newsflash: until you get out of victim consciousness you cannot thrive and be happy! Good things will NOT happen to you when you are a constant victim. Many people have NO idea that they alone have control over whether good or bad things happen in their lives, and it all evolves around our energy.

There are other levels of consciousness in between, but the ultimate goal is to be in harmony with who you are, to just be. It takes a LOT of work to get there, and I hope to do so one day in all areas of my life. But the concept is beautiful, especially if you think about what the planet would be like if people lived in this manner!

Personally I am not a victim vampire (that’s what I call people who are always the victim, as it drains my energy to speak with or be around them – I know you know someone like this), but there were parts of my life which I lived as a victim by accepting circumstances despite the fact that they were neither ideal nor made me happy. So in some respects I was a victim; unless one reaches high levels of consciousness we all do or have/will live some aspects of life as a victim.

For the last few years of my marriage I was not treated as I deserved, and I kept thinking it would get better, or that I could change it by myself. I tried feebly to do so but was shut down and had to go on offense, so I stopped trying. From that point I stopped using my voice to find ways to connect and have meaningful discussions about my concerns. Things got worse and my feelings toward my former husband began to change drastically.

I did not stand up and speak my truth for a long time, and believe me that is so opposite of who I am as a person. I think many of us give up when conversations continually become arguments or situations become too much effort, and I was just tired of the scenario. It brought me down and now when I look back at photos or videos of myself I see such unhappiness in my eyes; I carried so much pain in my physical body and I can see that too now.

After some time I set boundaries and ultimatums – we either went to therapy or it was over; we finally agreed on that and commenced a year of couples and individual therapy (and of course I continued to do much needed work on my spiritual self during that time – learning to accept, to be patient, to put myself first, to connect with my god and to let go of so much). I had to change the way I was wired to some degree, elevate my level of consciousness (this is always a process), and do a lot of soul searching. In time things started becoming more and more clear to me, and my intuition told me what I needed to be happy.

To move into a higher level of consciousness you need to be mindful (really think about your feelings and thoughts), set your intentions and act accordingly…this will help you toward awakening. In my mind this means truly loving yourself, realizing that you are the only one who can make you happy, knowing happiness is always a choice, and living your life this way without comparing yourself to anyone else. You can start with little things, like telling yourself how beautiful/smart/talented/capable/strong you are, and taking baby steps toward something that makes you happy.

I was able to survive my divorce and thrive because of my state of consciousness, because I love myself. In the darkest time of my life things were falling into place for me. Instead of blaming others for where I found myself, I accepted things were that way because they simply were, and I moved through it and found so much joy in myself.

*****

If you are looking for help in jumpstarting your spiritual growth, there are many masters who teach consciousness and how to live a more enlightened life. Michael Beckwith is one of my favorite spiritual teachers on this subject, and I like the way he explains and labels the different levels and guides how to begin your growth work. You can find him and his teachings on the internet.